I got an email from a male friend the other day with a picture attached. He wrote "Is this you? This really looks like you." Before I looked at the picture, I was about to write "yeah, it's probably me, I've taken thousands of pictures of myself for the Year in the Mirror thing, it's no big." or perhaps "Nah, it's not me, but thanks for Googling me, weirdo" But then I opened the picture.
Y'all? It was porn. Porn! And the girl? Well holy Chrizzie on a pogo stick, it really DID look like me. It WASN'T, of course, but damn if I don't have a tattooed, black-haired doppelganger wandering around the offices (do porn places have offices?) of Suicide Girls with MY FACE! Hey! Hey, that's MY face, not yours, give it back, and put some trousers on!!!!
Okay, FINE. I WISH I looked like this girl. Flat belly, cute butt, MY FACE. And Suicide Girls, for the uninitiated, is not some wacky cult where everyone offs themselves, but a really cool group of "non-traditional" pin up ladies that I really dig. So if some chick was going to go and have MY FACE, I'm glad she did it for the SG and not some gross crappy porn site.
So I got to thinking, should I email Suicide Girls and try to meet this chick? Why not? I mean, we've got so many things in common – nose, eyes, cheekbones…we're practically twinsies and we we don't even know each other! So I came up with this letter:
Dear Suicide Girl Who Looks Like Me:
Hi! You don't know me, but glance at the mirror and you'll get a good idea. I'm Miss Banshee, and you have my face. Or maybe I have YOUR face. How old are you? I'm 32. I have a strong suspicion that you are younger than I am, more or less because that flat belly you are displaying? Yeah, enjoy that. Cause once you hit 30, it'll never be the same. Also, our bellybuttons are different. May I suggest getting yours pierced? It's super cute, and that will make us even MORE alike!
Anyway, I hope that you get lots and lots of fan mail talking about how HOTT you are, cause that would make ME feel really good, and since I'm not posing for ANYONE in MY underpants, I'd like to live vicariously through you, if you don't mind. Do you get fan mail? Is a lot of it from prison? You must live such an exciting life! Me? I work from home in my jimjams, most days, so yeah, let's concentrate on you.
Now, having my face is a responsibility that I implore you to take seriously. I have no quarrel with the Suicide Girls, in fact, I think they're totally kick ass. But that's it, missy. Don't go getting into all that other porno crap, please. That's dirty, and have you seen those guys? You'll get a germ for sure. And I don't want my doppelganger to be swarming with germs. That's just icky.
Okay bye, Not-Me! Have fun, be safe, use a rubber, and if anyone emails you asking if you're Miss Banshee, just direct them to this site, wherein there are no pictures of me in my underpants, but there ARE lots of other things. Like gummi clams and cats.
Miss Banshee (the not-you)