As many of you know, I leave tomorrow for BLOGHER. Woo! Yay! So I thought I was all set, with my steampunk outfits and eleventy pairs of shoes, when this happened. Ladies? Yeah, you see what I mean:
Of course, I had to have a little conversation with my bra, and I captured it all on Twitter:
@missbanshee: Zomg, underwires have JUMPED out of bra. Mass underwire suicide. Almost put eye out. CRISIS IN THE UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!!
@missbanshee: Get back in my BRA, underwire!!!
@missbanshee: It's official, bra has gone to meet the choir invisible. This is an ex-bra.
So what did i have to do? Other than whine? I had to go buy a bra. Now I hate bras, to be quite honest. I rarely wear one, actually. Yes it's true, if you meet me, there is a 75% chance the girls will be breathing free, since I just…I really hate bras. I'm small enough that I can manage the no-bra, and believe me, I take full advantage of it. But I'm going to BlogHer, dammit, and only grownup girls go to BlogHer, and DAMMIT I'M A GROWNUP, I WILL BUY A BRA.
So I go, scowling, to Kohl's to buy a stupid bra.
Me: I need a bra. Black. With non-suicidal underwire. That's all I request of you, Kohl's.
Kohl's: Here's a twee little blue gingham bra that matches nothing, but is so cute, omg.
Me: NO. Bra. Black. Underwire. Size 36B. This is all I need from life.
Kohl's: Here's one so big you could wear it as a toque.
Me: HA! Okay, NO. Bra! Black! 36B!
Kohl's: Sorry, we don't carry that.
Me: Not…in black? Well, I guess a lacy one wouldn't be TOO bad…
Kohl's: No. We don't carry anything you're looking for. Nothing. Not in your size, not in that color. Nope. Sorry, beesh.
Me: I CANNOT GO TO BLOGHER WITHOUT A BRA. I AM A GROWNUP.
Kohl's: No bra for you. How about one that isn't nearly your size, but is conical in shape? You could look like MADONNA!
Me: Listen, asshole. I know I said I would be a grownup, but if you don't show me a bra, color: Black, size: 36B, with an underwire IMMEDIATELY, I will FLING myself on the ground and throw the biggest braless temper tantrum EVER. I WILL CLEAR THIS STORE, BITCHES.
Kohl's: Well, we don't want that.
Me: Show me the goods.
Kohl's: FINE. Here's exactly what you were looking for. We were hiding it. Just for funsies.
Me: DONE! *flees store, almost accidentally shoplifting bra*
Kohl's: You'll be back. We're not telling you that you forgot to get Spanx. HAHAHAHHHAHAHA!
Kohl's: Nothing. Carry on.
Me: Okay! Yay! Mah bewbs have a carrying device! ON TO BLOGHER!!!!!!
what? that's the end. you didn't think I'd post a pic of me in a bra, did you? Silly monkeys.
Talk to y'all after BlogHer!!!!! MWAH!