BOOBS! Now That I Have Your Attention…

As many of you know, I leave tomorrow for BLOGHER. Woo! Yay! So I thought I was all set, with my steampunk outfits and eleventy pairs of shoes, when this happened. Ladies? Yeah, you see what I mean:

Yes, that's my bra. And that's the underwire. ESCAPING.

Of course, I had to have a little conversation with my bra, and I captured it all on Twitter:

@missbanshee: Zomg, underwires have JUMPED out of bra. Mass underwire suicide. Almost put eye out. CRISIS IN THE UNDERWEAR DRAWER!!!

@missbanshee: Get back in my BRA, underwire!!!

@missbanshee: It's official, bra has gone to meet the choir invisible. This is an ex-bra.

So what did i have to do? Other than whine? I had to go buy a bra. Now I hate bras, to be quite honest. I rarely wear one, actually. Yes it's true, if you meet me, there is a 75% chance the girls will be breathing free, since I just…I really hate bras. I'm small enough that I can manage the no-bra, and believe me, I take full advantage of it. But I'm going to BlogHer, dammit, and only grownup girls go to BlogHer, and DAMMIT I'M A GROWNUP, I WILL BUY A BRA.

So I go, scowling, to Kohl's to buy a stupid bra.

Me: I need a bra. Black. With non-suicidal underwire. That's all I request of you, Kohl's.
Kohl's: Here's a twee little blue gingham bra that matches nothing, but is so cute, omg.
Me: NO. Bra. Black. Underwire. Size 36B. This is all I need from life.
Kohl's: Here's one so big you could wear it as a toque.
Me: HA! Okay, NO. Bra! Black! 36B!
Kohl's: Sorry, we don't carry that.
Me: Not…in black? Well, I guess a lacy one wouldn't be TOO bad…
Kohl's: No. We don't carry anything you're looking for. Nothing. Not in your size, not in that color. Nope. Sorry, beesh.
Kohl's: No bra for you. How about one that isn't nearly your size, but is conical in shape? You could look like MADONNA!
Me: Listen, asshole. I know I said I would be a grownup, but if you don't show me a bra, color: Black, size: 36B, with an underwire IMMEDIATELY, I will FLING myself on the ground and throw the biggest braless temper tantrum EVER. I WILL CLEAR THIS STORE, BITCHES.
Kohl's: Well, we don't want that.
Me: Show me the goods.
Kohl's: FINE. Here's exactly what you were looking for. We were hiding it. Just for funsies.
Me: DONE! *flees store, almost accidentally shoplifting bra*
Kohl's: You'll be back. We're not telling you that you forgot to get Spanx. HAHAHAHHHAHAHA!
Me: What?
Kohl's: Nothing. Carry on.
Me: Okay! Yay! Mah bewbs have a carrying device! ON TO BLOGHER!!!!!!

what? that's the end. you didn't think I'd post a pic of me in a bra, did you? Silly monkeys.

Talk to y'all after BlogHer!!!!! MWAH!


BOOBS! Now That I Have Your Attention… — 10 Comments

  1. I hate bra shopping… at my size, it’s a nightmare! And I’m one of the unfortunate ones that could NEVER go braless in public. Ever. Ever. Ever.

  2. I’m one of the people who *could* go braless – I wear a B-cup because of my pride, but if you were to yell into my bra, you’d hear an echo. (It’s empty, is what I’m saying.) Thing is, I never go without a bra because I want the extra padding. All I own are super-padded push-up bras. Sad.

  3. I absolutely love bra shopping and might possibly be the only woman in existance that does. I do however feel your pain with the escaping underwire. Once I decided to f it and wear the dying bra anyway; almost had a shish-ka-titty! It was awful.
    Have fun at blogher.

  4. man, all my bras are so big that i could use them as bags when i go grocery shopping. and i had THREE wires snap while i was WEARING the bras IN THE SAME WEEK. i can’t even buy my bra’s at kohl’s — i have to buy them at like home depot, because they’re made out of scaffolding.

  5. Not to sound all uber-matronly or anything (and in what I believe is my first comment, no less), but I used to hate bra shopping…until I discovered JCPenney.
    OK, I didn’t “discover” JCPenney but I do shop for bras there. There is always a nice saleswoman who knows what she’s doing. She measures you (I am a D, not a C! Who knew? Not me!) and asks what you want (for example, black with non-suicidal underwires) and then brings you bra after bra after bra (you don’t need to get dressed and undressed a billion times) until you find what you need. Plus, the bras are always on sale.
    I heart JCPenney.

  6. I am probably one of the women who should always be wearing a bra, but I don’t-I let the sisters breath easy. The last bra I bought cost me $200, yep you read that right. I am a double FF and my size is impossible to find in a typical store,buying a corset was easier. My thoughts on this conundrum is the hell with it-I don’t need to impress anyone, if you don’t like it then don’t look.
    I have found other ways to support my girls.
    There are occasions when I dig out my $200 bra and wear it, can’t afford to have wasted the money.

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