Hello, pathetic humans. It is I, Lulu. Look deeply into my eyes and relax. That's it. Your will is now in my hands. Isn't that easier than thinking for yourselves? Of course it is. Now, aren't I pretty? The answer is yes, of course. The humans agree and no one gets hurt.
I am here to clear my name, as I have been reading the human female's tweets and Facebook updates, and I have found that she has been so bold as to incriminate me, Lulu. This of course is shameful, these blatant lies. So I have taken it upon myself to tell you what's been going on around here instead of entrusting your simple, soft human minds to the human female.
She can't be trusted. But you trust Lulu, don't you? Of course you do.
So what is the human female lying about? WELL. She stated on a friend's status update that I, Lulu, jammed a claw into her face the other day while patting her cheek. Patting her cheek! Like I'm some desperate slut looking for attention and head scritches! Obviously this is a LIE. I was NOT looking for head scritches, I was SLAPPING HER across the face because she was eleven minutes late in feeding me! And if she's so lazy that she neglected my manicure/pedicure and I hooked a razor sharp claw into her face? Well I can't be blamed. I am but an innocent bystander.
She also has neglected to inform you that I do the same thing to her when she attempts to slumber away in the mornings. Listen, human. I am up bright and early with the sun in the mornings, and I expect to be fed and complimented IMMEDIATELY. No, I don't care that it's only 5 AM. I sleep for 20 hours a day, you will sleep according to MY schedule, and awake when I insist on it.
They're not LOVE PATS. They are backhanded SLAPS. It's the only way the human learns.
Lest you think I am an unforgiving mistress, when I am properly cared for, fed, and complimented, I will deign to sleep next to the human female while she writes. I will be near the human out of the kindness of my heart! I am so kind! So GENEROUS.
And if that wretched wench tells you that I snore like an outboard motor, I'll steal her breath in her sleep.
That's enough for you from me, Lulu. Carry on, and behave in a way that is proper and to the benefit of me, your lord and mistress.
PS: I don't snore.
PPS: Or give cheek pats.
PPPS: I hate you. Stop laughing.