The real happiest place on goddamn earth is the corner of Main Street USA at Disney World during the fireworks, and I'll tell you why.
I went to Disney World for the second time in my life when I was 30. I was skeptical of the Big Fun that would happen, to say the least, but damn if I didn't fall hook line and sinker for the Mouse and his minions. I love Disney World, and I'm not afraid to admit it.
But what do I love more than Disney World? SMOKING AT DISNEY WORLD. You still can smoke in veeeeery limited areas at Disney and Epcot, and let me tell you, I searched out those places like I was freaking Columbus discovering the New World. I can tell you ALL the smoking corners and hidey-holes in the Magic Kingdom. I found ALL of them. Hidden Mickeys nothing, I can draw you an elaborate map of where you can light up. PHOTOGRAPHIC MEMORY, PEOPLE.
Anyway, the reason my punk ass found that corner of Main Street USA was because it was the end of a very long Disney day, my feet were KILLING me, and I just wanted to leave. But even more than that, I wanted to smoke. And I didn't have a working lighter. This was a massive crisis.
Luckily, I wasn't watching the fireworks, and instead saw a cute Disney Team Member putting chairs, etc. up for the night. No one was looking. I made my move:
Disney Team Member: Um, hello.
Me: I need a light.
Me: You heard me. I need to smoke, and I need to smoke NOW. Gimme your lighter.
DTM: I…don't have one.
Me: KING OF LIES.
DTM: I could be fired for that!
Me: No one is looking. PLEASE help a sister out. I've been here all day, the sensory overload is going to drive me directly to the lunatic asylum if I don't get a smoke in. PLEASE, you KNOW you have matches. You people HAVE to smoke, how else could you stand it around here every day, SHOW ME THE GOODS.
Me: Not playing around here, Buster.
The DTM then looked around, convinced ol' Walt himself was going to pop up and fire his ass, and gave me a light. I HAD WON. I had CORRUPTED a Disney Team Member. I was AWESOME.
And I had a cigarette. So there was no bloodshed that night. And we all lived happily ever after.
*except the DTM, who probably got fired. Oops!