Well, it's November, and that means we're tits-deep in Christmas commercials. I hate them. I hate Christmas. I hate everything about the holiday season, and that's a fact. Call me a Scrooge, whatever. I hate it all, and I'll tell you why.
I hate Christmas because….Because….I don't know. It always leads up to an expectation that is never fulfilled, and is SUPER DEPRESSING. And the MUSIC. It's enough to make a person stab themselves in the ear canal. Lemme 'splain.
Back in the day, I was a singer. That's all blown to shit now because my intubation when I was in the coma destroyed my voice, but before then, I was a singer. And LAWD did I sing. All the time! You couldn't shut me up for love or money. And because I was a singer, and went to an all girls Catholic school, I was in choir. And we sang. AH MAH GAH did we sing. We sang until the fucking cows came home. And boy oh boy, did we sing for Christmas. And that's when the hate took root.
You have to understand, when I was in Catholic school, I looked like this:
and I sang the songs. BECAUSE I WAS TERRIFIED. Terrified of what the nuns would do to me if I DIDN'T sing. Goddamn, look at my chicken legs. Pitiful.
So yes, I sang Christmas carols and never ever got anything I wanted for Christmas, because my mother is very practical, and would take me to the mall to get clothes and then HIDE THEM FROM ME and that was Christmas, the end. And I still looked like a deer in headlights.
So fast forward 20 years. I'm 32. I can't sing anymore. (Huge very very sad post about that DELETED) and now they're playing Christmas carols three hours after Halloween. And it gives me a twitch. Because I hate Christmas. I hate the buildup, like for some reason I'll get the Barbie Dream House this year even though I'm in my 30s, when in actuality, I'll get a sweater. Again. Christmas is a buildup that results in NOTHING. And I hate it.
Jeebus, this is the most depressing post ever. I'm sorry, I'll be back later to bring the funny.
(I still hate Christmas)