Me (frantically begging all and sundry for an invite to Google Wave): I'll do anything! Who wants a cat?
Common Sense: What on earth is Google Wave?
Me: It's the newest thing! It's AWESOME! It's the future, man!
Common Sense: But what IS it?
Common Sense: You have NO IDEA what Google Wave is, don't you.
Me: Well, no. But I know I WANT IT.
Common Sense: You don't know what it is…
Common Sense: But you're willing to give away your pets and possessions in order to get it.
Common Sense: Well that's incredibly logical.
Me: I also want a Snuggie.
Common Sense: Of course you do.
Me: I KNOW what a SNUGGIE does.
Common Sense: Good Jeebus in the Pack N' Play, I HOPE you know what a Snuggie does.
Me: Then I don't have to turn on the heat!
Common Sense: Oh man, are we going to tell that story?
Me: It explains my PTSD when it comes to turning on the heat.
Common Sense: Okay, fine, tell the story.
Me: Okay. So when I was in grad school I lived at 9 Ashford St. in Allston, MA. And 9 Ashford was a notorious house for years, decades, probably, as the home of good for nothing punks and it also should have been condemned about 20 years prior to my living there. I lived with my ex on the top floor, and we had oil heat. Supposedly. Because there was never any money to get oil, and even if there was, there was no way the heat was getting all the way up to the top floor. So we froze. And we liked it. Because that? The destitution and the frozen extremities? Was VERY PUNK ROCK. So now, even though I can turn my heat on whenever I so desire, I never do, because I remember Ashford St., and how you can always put on another layer of clothes. And I have post traumatic stress disorder about roommates arguing about getting oil for the heater, which we never did, and we were cold. The end, now give me my Snuggie.
Common Sense: That story is so delightful. You should talk about Ashford St. more often.
Me: DON'T TEMPT ME.
Common Sense: So to sum up, please. You want a Google Wave, whatever on earth that is, and a Snuggie.
Me: And a new psychiatrist.
Common Sense: We're not telling that story today.
Me: Then yes, that's what I want. GET SANTA ON THE BLOWER!
Common Sense: You're getting coal.