Are You Making Fun Of My Headgear?

I have…dental issues. My front six are all crowns, due to them never forming right when I was a kid. I've had braces, headgear, crowns, fillings, etc etc etc. My mouth is a goddamn nightmare, and there doesn't seen to be anything I can do about it. 

So in the last week, due to regular stress and then my frantic worries about Anissa (I love you so much, girl) I've been clenching my jaw in a fierce way. So much so that I developed ripping headaches and a stiff jaw. 

My last Twitter conversation with Anissa? Sweartogod, she was all "You need a better excuse for a sore jaw, dude." I called her a dirty birdie. Love that girl.

So I dug through some unpacked moving boxes and found my retainer! It's a mouthguard I can wear so my jaw doesn't clench. Very lovely, very expensive device that I got a million years ago and forgot about. But now! Relief! Huzzah!

Until this conversation with The Scotsman.

Scotsman: A…a retainer?

Me: Yep!

Scotsman: You're 32 years old.

Me: Yep!

Scotsman: What's next, a helmet?

Me: Hey! Shaddap, you. I don't need a helmet. A helmet for fuck's sake. Please.

*a few hours later*


Scotsman: What???! What happened?

Me: I fell down. Boom.

Scotsman: You…you just fell down. With no provocation. 

Me: Fall down. Go boom. BLOOD!

Scotsman: Weren't you wearing your helmet?

Me: You're hilarious. I'm beside myself laughing, no really. Ha.

Scotsman: You realize that you were there, in the safety of your own home, wearing PROTECTIVE GEAR LIKE A HOCKEY PLAYER and you still managed to hurt yourself. 

Me: I am NOT wearing protective gear! A RETAINER is not the same as A HOCKEY HELMET.

Scotsman: Well, if it makes you feel good to think that…

Me: Enemy of joy.

Scotsman: …You go right ahead and think that.

Me: So full of hate. 


Me: Sorry, I fell down again. You were saying?

Scotsman: I give up. Protective gear in your own home. Damn, woman.

Me: Ow.

So I wear a retainer! SO WHAT?!?!?!? It's just to protect myself. From….myself. Okay, you know what? Y'all can go stick it. Bite me, man. Sheesh.



Are You Making Fun Of My Headgear? — 3 Comments

  1. Please, please, please–will you clue me in Miss Banshee? WHO is “The Scotsman” and when, in the name of Jeebus in the snuggli, did he appear?? I need to know!
    No retainer for me, but I have an awesome “Night Guard” that I SHOULD be wearing all the time (except when I’m eating) and don’t. No wonder my neck and jaw are in a veritable symphony of spasms!! Back to being a good girl and popping that baby in– also back to massive night drooling– Sexy!!!
    Love from Nadine

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