Coffee Conspiracy

Okay, so I was sooooo giving ass-vice to a fellow writer in a rut the other day. I was all 'Blah! Writing is easy, you just start doing it and a topic will come to you, yay! Also? Unicorns and glitter!!!"

Well I'm paying the price for being so cavalier. I'm totally blocked. I feel like I've acquired writing ADD, as in I start writing and I get distracted by the teevee, or one of the cats, or I suddenly want to make popcorn or something.

Oooh. Popcorn. Be right back.

ANYWAY. Yes, I have been easily distracted as of late. There are only so many stories I can tell about falling down, people making fun of me for falling down, injuries I have sustained whilst falling down…It gets a little repetitious. So! WHAT TO TALK ABOUT???


It's only November 29th, and I am already sick to freaking death of any and all commercialization of Christmas. BUT! Oh!!! I KNOW WHAT TO WRITE ABOUT!!!!!

Okay, remember that old commercial for Folgers coffee. When "Peter" comes home for Christmas? You remember. Okay, fine, here it is. 

NOW. I have so many questions! Where, exactly, has Peter been? Was he at college, even though the actor is clearly in his early 30s? Was he in white-collar prison, perhaps from a cocaine bust at his office? I mean, it WAS 1985. Was he on a Peace Corps trip to Africa?

Wait. A Peace Corps trip to Africa? Whereever would I get that idea? I mean, that's stretching it a little bit, even for a festive holiday commercial, right? WRONG, MY FRIENDS, because here in 2009 we have a new! Updated! Peter's home! And guess where he's been??? That's RIGHT, a Peace Corps trip to Africa!

*sidenote* I can't find the new commercial online, but I HAVE found MANY people online who do not find making fun of the Folgers commercial funny. So, um, I'll tread lightly on the new spot. The Peace Corps is a magnificent organization, coming home is touching, blah de blee, have some coffee. End sidenote*

What about Peter?!?!? That commercial ran forEVER in the 80s and 90s! Find the damn actor and have it be about HIS ungrateful children coming home for Christmas with a big bag of laundry and a girlfriend with a chest tattoo! That would be AWESOME for those of us who hate the holidays. Or better yet, let's show Peter and his life partner Chad living the holidays UP in a tropical locale while his family dilutes their Folgers with Jack Daniels and everyone pretends to like each other over a turkey dinner! I like that idea. 

Get Folgers on the blower! And somebody find Peter!!!!

edited to add: ZOMG, someone DID!


Coffee Conspiracy — 4 Comments

  1. I think you need to start tracking down the stars of former TV advertisements. What’s the “Stork chocolate Riesen please, Mrs. Lange” guy up to?

  2. I have more questions. Was that VW Bug a taxi or a friend dropping Peter off? Because he didn’t sound very friendly to the driver, just polite. Why does Peters sister smell the coffee? Little girls don’t smell coffee. They could care less about coffee. I think her name is Cindy BTW, even though they don’t tell us that. This is probably the fault of the Brady Bunch. Who’s that person they show waking up first? Is this another sibling? If she is, she probably has issues because nobody paid any attention to her did they? Nope! Why do Peters parents look about 40ish when as you said, Peter is clearly in his 30’s?

  3. totally creepy, thirty year old pretending to be Peter, older brother…good guy, not the pedo we think he is.
    Although this commercial makes my mother cry for reasons I may never choose to understand.

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