So it's pouring today, and I got up crazy early, so I decided to zip to the grocery store really fast and then tuck in for a rainy day at home. This was the first mistake.
Since it was only 8 am, I shrugged off getting dressed, throwing my trenchcoat over my pajamas (a shirt with a monkey on it and yoga pants) slipped on the Pink Shoes of Shame (shut up) and grabbed my bag, tripping over various cats, and left the house. This was the second mistake.
By the time I got to the car, I was soaked. I should have just turned around and gone back to the apartment, but I persisted. In the car, I turned Amanda Palmer on full blast and braved the (gushing) rain to go to the damn store. The cuffs of my pants were already soaked through, and my bare feet were squishing around in the Pink Shoes of Shame. This was the third mistake.
I drove to the store in the middle of rush hour, in the pouring rain, forgetting, of course, that this is New Jersey, and when it rains, everyone forgets how to drive. I ride the brake the whole damn way to the stupid store, chain smoking and swearing copiously, narrowly escaping death by idiot drivers the entire trip. I do not, however, turn around and go home. This was the fourth mistake.
At the store, I find a parking space and attempt to get out of the car. My trenchcoat is twisted around my legs. Swearing at the top of my lungs, I decide FINE I just won't WEAR the coat, I mean, I'm drenched ANYWAY, and shrug it off as I get out of the car. Now, for those of you playing along, I am in SHEETS of rain, in a monkey-adorned shirt and sopping wet yoga pants. And the Pink Shoes of Shame. This was the…well, you get the idea.
I walked purposefully to the store, purchased my goods, and returned to the car. Halfway to the car, my foot, which, remember, is bare in the Pink Shoes of Shame, slips OUT of the PSoS. Narrowly avoiding being hit by an SUV, I hop around, trying to locate where my shoe went. It's stuck inside the drenched cuff of my yoga pants. I plunk down my shopping bag, and lean over to yank the shoe out of the pants.
I'd like to remind you all at this point that I've lost almost 15 pounds as of late, and my clothes aren't fitting like they used to.
Also, I wasn't wearing underpants.
Now do you see where this is going?
Yep. I bend over to retrieve my shoe, and my pants. Fall. Down.
And THAT, friends, is how at 8:25 AM on January 25th, I mooned the parking lot of ShopRite.
HAPPY FUCKING MONDAY, Y'ALL!!!!!!!!