Because I? Am a loser. A LOSER OF 15 POUNDS. Four weeks into the MamaPopLoser challenge, and I have dropped over a full-sized baby's worth of weight. That means I am halfway to my MPL goal, and 25 away from my ultimate goal. And man, oh man, does this ever suck.
No, I'm serious. It sucks ASS. I crave bread all day. Mounds of pasta. My mom's mac and cheese. These are the sugarplums that dance in my head.
I think back to the Great MamaPop Vegas Summit of 2009, during which I ate the most amazing meal of my life at Thomas Keller's restaurant at the Venetian Hotel with a gaggle of other MamaPop writers. It was French food to the nth degree, and I had pate, and escargot, and duck, and dessert…I don't even remember dessert because I believe I had lost all brain function at that point.
Of course, at the MamaPop Vegas Summit Dinner of Awesome, I was wearing a size 4 dress. OH. IT IS TO LAUGH. So this year, instead of getting our decadence on in Vegas, we're all dieting. It's a CHALLENGE. A QUEST. And we take it very seriously.
But I can talk to y'all about the reality of it, can't I, my beloved little squirrels? I can talk to you about how I dream of crocks of French onion soup, DRIPPING with cheese, and, well, cheese in general. I've gone about 95% vegetarian, save for Sunday night dinners at my parents' house, and now I eat things like "soysage" and "quinoa" and "tree bark" instead of what I really want, which is to have my evil way with a menu at a French restaurant, and damn the consequences.
I like my steak rare, thank you very much.
I've learned a lot over the last month. I learned that I REALLY hate exercising, and will come up with every single excuse ever invented in order to avoid it. I learned that Stewie likes celery. I learned that a person CAN live without Diet Coke and still have a smidgen of will to live. Many lessons I have learned, young grasshoppers. Many lessons.
I substitute eating with watching Food Network (which I finally got back on my cable system without anyone getting Cut The Fuck Up) and the Travel Channel, which features such incredibly delightful shows such as "Man Vs. Food" and my beloved Anthony Bourdain's "No Reservations." It's food porn, people. I make no excuses for it. I watch food porn. And I eat celery.
So is it all worth it? This madness I am putting myself through? Yes, because frankly, I'm vain, and I wasn't happy with the way I looked, and I was eating like a particularly indulgent frat boy towards the end there, and all of that will never do. So I persist, and I have my merry band of writers along on the journey with me.
Four weeks in. Fifteen pounds lost. I have yet to begin to fight.