Conversations with The Scotsman are always entertaining as hell, because he's a lovely person, and I enjoy talking to him. However, he has…how do put this. The Scotsman has OPINIONS. Opinions that he needs to SHARE. At GREAT LENGTH. While he's DRIVING.
Mea culpa, let me preface this by saying people? Get off the phone when you're driving, please? It's SO dangerous, and I don't mean to get all Opie Winfrey on your asses, but put down the phone and drive. Okay, PSA over.
So anyway, the Scotsman drives a LOT for his job down in ol' Virginny, where he resides, and he calls me from the road a great deal, because I am an AWESOME conversationalist and also very pretty. No, it's really because I let him rant AT LENGTH because I find it hilarious.
We've covered MANY subjects, mostly to do with the fact that I am a lily-livered, blue-bellied, pinko Socialist liberal whinypants who lives for double standards and political correctness and the War of Northern Aggression is still a sore spot and many, many other things that he, a proud Southern man, finds wrong with me. Also I'm clumsy and should wear protective gear or at least shoes for the loveagod.
Lest you think The Scotsman is an unkind person, let me reassure you that he is far from it. I tease him just as much, and we make each other laugh a LOT. So all is well on the good-natured-ribbing front.
UNTIL I TOLD HIM ABOUT "TWILIGHT."
This? Was a mistake. You see, The Scotsman has very, very, VERY FIRM IDEAS about how a vampire should behave, dress, and conduct his or herself. The Scotsman's vampirey hero is this Southern gentleman from the the film "Near Dark," as portrayed by actor Bill Paxton:
That's a pretty hardcore vampire right there. But then again, the Scotsman is a pretty hardcore dude. Oh, wanna see what he looks like? Sure! Here's a pic.
I keep telling him they'll never let him into the Service with that haircut, but then he starts rambling about how they can take our lives, but they canna take our haggis and whatever.
ANYWAY. VAMPIRES. What a lovely subject to have a conversation about. I LOVE vampires. So I started to describe Edward Cullen from "Twilight." Here's Edward.
and here's Edward doing what he does best. SPARKLING.
And here's where we came across a problem. You see, The Scotsman has no TIME for vampires who sparkle. He wants vampires who are DIRTY and VICIOUS and NOT VEGETARIAN and don't use HAIR PRODUCT and also NEVER EVER EVER SPARKLE. That, he bellowed, is emo crap, and he just won't tolerate it.
This turned into an exquisite rant wherein he used a lot of very bad language and threatened to drive into a fuel tanker out of disgust at the idea of sparkly Emo vampires who use a lot of hair product. Dudes, he was MAD. It was great. Heehee!!!!!!
But I have a solution to all of this. I'm going to introduce him to the Buffyverse, and especially my man Spike, otherwise known as William the Bloody. I think Spike is a happy vampirey medium we can all agree on, don't you? Yes.
Ahem. This entry has taken a turn. I'll be in my bunk.
(oh, and ix-nay on the "soul storyline" for Spike in the comments, dearest readers? We're talking Unsouled Spike Hottypants today. And I'd never hear the end from The Scotsman.)
So what have we learned today? We've learned that The Scotsman loves a good rant, still isn't over the Civil War, likes badass vampires and will risk life and limb to BELLOW to me about how much he hates the following:
- glittery vampires
- pinko liberal blue-bellied whinypants socialists. (Except for me, of course, because I'm all those things and also vair, vair cute, OBVIOUSLY.)
Okay, that's it. Go out and play!