My darling friend Larissa made the grave error of informing me that James Van Der Beek, or "Dawson" as you probably remember him, is on Twitter. Coincidentally enough, *I* am ALSO on Twitter! Given my long and sordid history with The Beek, chronicled here in my MamaPop article about him, I felt that it was only right that he and I become Twitter buddies. What has followed has been a one-sided conversation that has taken some pretty disturbing turns.
So in honor of Valentine's Day, I have decided that I am going to keep "talking" to The Beek on Twitter until he replies with words of adoration. Or any words at all, actually. Or I get the restraining order. Whichever comes first. (probably the restraining order.)
Let me give you a smattering of the insanity I've been sending him, and please, PLEASE realize that this is all in good fun? I tease because I love.
missbanshee: Hey. HEY! Hey @vanderjames! It's me! Don't you want to talk to me today?
missbanshee: So @vanderjames, I don't watch #Mercy because that show kinda sucks. But I will watch it for you, James! Anything for you!
missbanshee: I think I'm going to start sending @vanderjames locks of my hair.
missbanshee: Oh @vanderjames, I know you're reading these. Good look with the new haircut, much better than the rotted hay bale you sported on The Creek.
missbanshee: Oooh! I bet @vanderjames knows what happened to Monica Keena's lips, she was on the Creek! Hey, Beek! You there? Collagen FAIL, right?
missbanshee: Good morning, @vanderjames! Did you dream of me last night? I dreamt of you, as I do EVERY night! Kisses!
And on and on and on. I'm really doing this. I'm really harassing a C-list celebrity for my own amusement, and also because I lost a LOT of brain cells playing the Dawson's Creek Drinking Game back in college, and I really can't be held responsible for my actions any more.
I know that Twitter is a privilege and not a right, and that I'm using it for evil instead of good, but I CAN'T STOP. Every time I see his profile pic and his non-wonky eye is looking right at me? I'm like the jock in high school stuffing the kid in the beret in a locker. Oooh, wait, I have to tweet…
missbanshee: Yo, @vanderjames, I hope you don't mind that I told the internet you wore a beret in college without a hint of irony.
The way I see it is this. He's either going to totally ignore me and hope/pray that I go away (I won't) OR he'll get a damn sense of humor and respond to me. Maybe he's reading this right now! Everyone wave to The Beek!!!
I DO hope he's not making THIS face:
And just in case you thought I was making this all up, here's proof:
I'm going to prison, aren't I?