Lookin’ Like Miss Banshee With Your Pants On The Ground

Ah, the endless saga of Miss Banshee's pants. I have a few things to say, as you roar "NO ONE just LOSES their PANTS in PUBLIC like you do, it's ABSURD and also INDECENT, what do you have against UNDERPANTS."

All will be explained, my beloved little squirrels. All will be explained.

Now. Listen. I don't intentionally go out and have my pants fall off. The situation goes like this: I have exactly zero pairs of pants that fit me properly right now, due to MamaPopLoser and the 18 pounds that I have lost doing said program. I still want to lose more, so buying new pants seems a little pointless. So I have three options.

Option One: Wear my Fat Pants, and a large belt. This was okay FOR A WHILE. Then it started to get a little ridiculous, and eventually unacceptable, as I do not look CUTE in my fat pants, and since I have no ass or hips (seriously, built like a 12 year old boy over here) the pants would be an OCEAN of denim around my non-existent ass, and that's not attractive at all. Also, I put on the Fat Pants the other day and they immediately dropped to the floor without any provocation. So the Fat Pants are hereby RETIRED.

Option Two: Wear my old pants, which might not be exactly large enough. Oooof. This is what i usually do. Which is WHY I am always in PAJAMAS, because it's either the Pants Large Enough For The Whole World, or the Teeny Tiny Pants That Stop All Blood Flow To My Lower Half. The issue with THESE pants is that I gain all my weight around my midsection, leaving my pitiful chicken legs, no ass, and no hips skinny. So what do I do? I wear the Skinny Jeans, which fit my legs just GRAND, fit my ass NO PROBLEM, but I have OUTRAGEOUS muffin top, and that, my friends, of course will never do. Not cute.

Also! ALL my skinny pants are ULTRA LOW RISE. THIS means that they do not cover my non-existent ass. I have no hips to keep them in place, and therefore when I do outrageous things like bend over, or lean to the side, (crazy!) the pants stay in place, but my ass removes itself from the pants, for all the world to see. And NO, I'm not going to wear underpants, because the STUPID JEANS are SO LOW RISE that the ENTIRETY of the underpants will be ABOVE the waistline of the pants, which…The world does not want to see my Paul Frank monkey underpants. So I go commando. And moon A LOT OF PEOPLE. Concerned that I will eventually get arrested for indecent exposure, I wear a LOT of very long tops with the stupid outside-sort-of-ass pants.

OPTION THREE! Suck it up and buy new pants. This did not go well at ALL. Let me recreate the conversation I had in every store at the mall I visited that day:

Me: I need NON-low rise pants.

Salesperson: Impossible.

Me: Please. My ass? IS EVERYWHERE. 

Salesperson: We only have low rise.

Me: But…I thought they went out of style! Rachel Zoe said they were OUT! I just need pants that cover my entire flat pre-pubescent ass, HELP A SISTER OUT.

Salesperson: Sorry. Try Sears. Or LL Bean. Or anywhere else that sells Mom Jeans, cause that's what you're describing.

Me: DEATH BEFORE MOM JEANS!!!!!!!

Salesperson: Then you are shit out of luck, lady.

Then I hitch my pants up and stalk out of the store. This happened Every. Time. I wanted to support the economy! I wanted to give back to the country by purchasing goods with real American money! I wanted MY ASS TO BE INSIDE PANTS. 

No such luck.

So I just have to keep losing weight to get back into the pants that used to fit. And until then? It's skirts or pajamas. Or, more likely, my ass, saying "Hello, world!!!!!" wherever I go.

I leave you with a photograph of happier days, when my ass was secure and so was I. As Jebuddah as my witness, I will look like this again.

Pants
 


Comments

Lookin’ Like Miss Banshee With Your Pants On The Ground — 14 Comments

  1. Holy crap, lady, 18 pounds is awesome!
    As for the pants, you can try what I did when I was very newly pregnant: wear the skinny jeans with a ponytail holder looped around the button so they aren’t so tight on your stomach (hence, less muffin top-ness). Or, try Kohl’s. I found normal-waisted, non-mom-ish looking jeans there. Good luck!

  2. How did I get here? Lost your pants? That’s just wrong? Whee’s the red hand telling me this site is: ACCESS DENIED? Helping out my kid report on Banshees and I get this. About the pants,just wear a long t-shirt. Disgusting. My whole day is now ruined.

  3. Hey, Mr. C Butterfield, just wow did you have a big ole bowl of douchearoni and cheese today for lunch???Leave Miss Banshee alone before she sics Lulu and Stewie the wondercats on you humorless asshat. Leggings under a skirt with Doc Martens would work well for ya Miss B

  4. 18 pounds. I just….am in awe of you. I’d lost 12 but this weekend put 1-2 back on thanks to chocolate, damnit, but I’m still using you as weight-loss inspiration!

  5. Levi’s makes a ton of different cuts. When not acting as an incubator, I have the opposite problem with jeans – small waist, big butt and thighs. Levi’s are the only jeans that had a cut that fit me. Just an FYI, even if you have a big butt, you still get plumber crack with low rise. It is just the way it is. Levi’s mid-rise cuts are still a couple of inches below the bellybutton but are high enough not to sag when you bend. You could probably do a mid-rise skinny jean.

  6. I haven’t read the comments to this may be a reiteration of something else someone has said…HOWEVER…being an incredibly schrinking person this year…I have had my share of pants issues and have bought MANY interim sized pants of various sizes…and Eddie Bauer’s pants are what you want. I am now too small of a size for the store BUT the pants were AWESOME. Totally cool cuts…not like the mom pants of yesteryear that they used to carry. They had a hipper upgrade somewhere along the line and the prices are good…the quality is great as is the thickness of the fabric compared to THE GAP these days. I’d try it. They have tons of styles and sizes and I wish they carried my current turn sideways and I’m invisible size. I think I’m on my way back up though so I’m sure I’ll have more to contribute soon. I’m like a yoyo. Hugs!

  7. I like the skirt idea. I love skirts, and I wish it were socially acceptible for me to wear them. 😛
    And I love that Cornelius Butterfield rants about finding your blog and reads it despite knowing it’s not what he wants, and then he offers you advice. Amazing stuff, that!

  8. What you need are scoop-y style jeans…as in higher in the back but lower and not all mom jeans-y in the front. Levi’s makes some (can’t recall the numbers but I can find out if you promise to love me for ever and ever) as do some of the more spendy brands. I’m fairly certain scoop-y isn’t the correct terminology but whatever…higher in the back jeans. They are far superior says the woman who is pretty sure she showed her buttcrack to a ton of passersby at Target a couple weeks ago while wearing her lowest lowrise jeans and squatting down to inspect socks.

  9. I like your furniture. Regarding your non asshiptitty self… I hereby bequeath you my tits. I have no real ass or hips either… well I do now cause I weigh almost 300 pounds but they aren’t nice, just flesh. The tits however can be worked with.

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