Me: What in the name of pants are you doing?
Stewart: STEWIE HAVE TANTRUM!
Me: You look like Jabba the Hutt having a seizure.
Stewie: Stewie wanna write BLAWG. Mama TOO DEPRESSING LATELY. Need Stewie to bring LIGHT AND JOY to interwebz.
Me: Well fine. What do you want to say, I shall transcribe, since you're…doing whatever it is you're doing over there.
Stewie: MAMA. How come you not a MOMMYBLOGGER?
Me: I'm not a Mommyblogger because I'm not a mother, dippy. Also, they hate that term, stop using it, you're going to get me in trouble.
Stewie: But you MY mama!
Me: In a way, yes, but there really isn't a niche on the internet for 32 year old shut ins who treat their cats like children.
Stewie: WHY NOT.
Me: Because that would be tragic.
Stewie: MAMA! SPEAKING OF TRAGIC.
Me: Listen, I said I was sorry, okay? You needed your yearly shots. We HAD to go get them done. You'd wither and die of some disease if I didn't take you. And I can't take that kind of guilt.
Stewie: Lulu STILL pissed at you bout DAT.
Me: Sigh. I know. Your sister can really hold a grudge. Luckily, you forgave me.
Stewie: STEWIE FORGOT.
Me: Well, sweetheart, that's because you're my special little guy, and you have the brain capacity of pudding. That's why we love you so much. You're dumb as a bag of hair.
Stewie: STILL CUTE THO.
Me: Yes, still cute. Always cute. Could you…what are you doing?
Stewie: MAKIN' BIZKITS.
Me: You're kneading my stomach. WITH YOUR RAZOR SHARP CLAWS.
Stewie: Makin MAMA bizkits.
Me: You're ventilating me, is what you're doing. Also? OW.
Stewie: Stewie SHOWING AFFECTION.
Me: Well it's causing me pain. Which, come to think of it, is exactly how most of my ex boyfriends "showed affection." Curious, that.
Stewie: Stewie think you going off on a TANGENT.
Me: Yes, you're right, and if there's anything sadder than a woman writing in the guise of a morbidly obese cat, it's a woman doing that as an excuse to whine about her ex-boyfriends. We are DONE HERE. Blog OVER.
Stewie: OKAY HUMAN BEANS, BLOG OVER. GO OUT AND PLAY!
Me: Well this has certainly been literary genius. Sigh.