*Hand* *Staple* *Forehead*

OH my precious little squirrels! I am running on about three hours of sleep, so please forgive me if this is a bit rambling or totally incoherent or something. I had Quite A Day yesterday, would you like to hear all about it? I KNEW YOU WOULD! 

*Flings self onto imaginary fainting couch, sighs dramatically*

So yesterday SEEMED fine, up until about 7 or so PM. I had lunch with a lovely friend of mine, and I was pleased with what I had written that day (I'm sorry if I freaked anyone (Amber) out with the blog yesterday, it just goes to show why READING TO THE END OF THE STORY BEFORE WIGGING OUT is so very important. I didn't write any poetry or need any 12 Step meetings, everything was just. Fucking. Peachy.

Well then I took a nap. Passed right the hell out, which sounds DIVINE right about now, see above re: three hours of sleep. Woke up at 7 pm to what can only be called a Shit Ton of email, none of it good, so I started to freak out. I don't deal with other people's pain and or pissed-off-ness (that IS a word I just made up) very well, being that I am EXTREMELY empathetic, YOUR pain is MY pain and man, I wish I had just stayed asleep, cause SEEEEEERIOUSLY. 

So I was feeling all empathetic and sad, and realized that the goddamn Bachelor was not its usual two hours of nightmarish torment this evening OH NO it was THREE hours and I was running an open thread on MamaPop, IMing with at least four people, all of whom had some kind of life-altering crisis at hand, trying to keep up on Twitter, AND composing a recap of the show in my head. All at the same time.

This is too much for my poor brain to handle, y'all. I was spiraling. I made a (bad) joke on Twitter to Mr. Roger Ebert (sir) and it fell flat as a badger run over by a tank, making me feel like a first class asshole (see, this is what happens when I multitask, I do everything, sure, but it's all done poorly) I was NOT being the best friend anyone could have re: the IM conversations because my brain was so full, the STUPID SHOW was still on, I'm doing the open thread, and the whole time, THIS is what is going on in my head. Please allow me to transcribe:

"Idiot. Moron. Asshole. You're doing everything wrong. Everyone hates you, you know. Everyone. You're useless. No one can stand you. You're such a loser. You're a bad person. Bad things happen because you deserve it. Because you're a bad person. All the negativity swirling around in the world right now is YOUR FAULT, so you better feel every iota of that pain, because you deserve it."

Now, let me make this perfectly clear. This "voice" as we will call it, is ALWAYS saying that. It's just that it was ESPECIALLY LOUD last night. So my brainpan was A LITTLE FULL.

Of course, as the night wore on, and I started writing, now I had to be funny. Dance, monkey, dance! I was exactly what I described in my Sad Clown entry, writing the Funny as I sobbed my brains out. OH, that was SO MUCH FUN.

I finished around 4 AM and went to bed. My iPod was dead. Of course it was. I can't SLEEP without my iPod on because that goddamn voice is so LOUD at night that I need a Harry Potter audiobook to keep my brain occupied as I finally, blessedly, pass the fuck out. Not tonight. Um, this morning. A little while ago.

So now I'm up, I've slammed the last of my energy drinks (I got some for the writing marathon last night) taken my pillzies, and hoping that today goes a little smoother. And now, much to the delight of all and sundry, THIS BLOG ENTRY IS OVER, GO PLAY. 

Bachelor recap goes up at MamaPop at 11 am ET. I read it over, and I did manage to bring the funny, although the fevered psychotic rant I wrote in the style of Dostoyevsky didn't make the final cut. It seemed brilliant at 4 am, and completely incoherent at 7 am. So out the windee it went. 

I'm so tired. Can you tell?



*Hand* *Staple* *Forehead* — 6 Comments

  1. Probably not helpful, but just thought I should delurk to say that I like your blog and your tweets and I think your “voice” is full of crap. That is all.

  2. Tired or not, you are amazing. Also I think your “voice” and my “voice” might get along famously… Maybe they could go on vacation together sometime AND LEAVE US ALONE!?! Just a thought….

  3. Like Rachel, I’m delurking to do battle with your Voice re: Roger Ebert. I used to hear that very same Voice, but I’m one of the lucky few whose antidepressants seem to work. Feel free to abuse me for the unfairness of it all.
    But hey, did you read the piece Ebert tweeted about Will Leitch, who was at one point sick of Ebert’s fat fucking face?
    I think you’d have to do a lot more than dis Billy Bush to piss off Mr. Ebert, Sir. Especially since he links to your blog so often. I’m not an expert or anything, but I’m pretty certain that once you’ve earned Ebert’s respect, unless you drop your pants and slap your ass tauntingly in his face while singing the praises of Disney Corp. and Sarah Palin, you’re not going to alienate him.
    Or me! I think you are a lovely lovely person, and a total badass to boot.

  4. Methinks the mean, evil voices should STFU!!!! I hope today is a better day for ya kitten. Don’t worry about pissing off Mr. Ebert or any of your faithful readers, not gonna happen!! Now go frolic with Lulu and Stewie, kitty luvs make Banshee better!!!!

  5. Umm… so… I read your blog and your tweets all the time. And I have those “You suck. You’re so stupid. I hate everything. I can’t believe I said that. Everyone thinks you’re an idiot.” voices all the time too. But… Uh… until I read your post up there, I didn’t think it was a big deal and I guess it’s not until I have the times when I feel like I can’t handle it anymore and I bet a lot of that is because I have those voices. Mostly, just… Thanks for being so honest. It helps to know that someone else is out there doing something about it. I think you’re fantastic.

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