I come to you today to talk about a scary subject for me, because it inevitably becomes a spiral of self-loathing and franticness that makes it impossible to do anything but rock back and forth and cry hysterically.
I'm talking about paranoia, and I'm chock full of it.
Now, I am (luckily enough) not a person with paranoid schizophrenia, so I don't think the government is bugging my phone, or that witches live in my head. No, my paranoia is more reality-based, in that I find myself questioning everything I do or say, the voice in my head telling me
"No one cares, no one wants to hear your shit, everyone hates you, you should just shut up, you wretched waste of a person, you are disgusting, so selfish, so self-centered, so BAD. Everyone hates you, you know. Everyone. And if they don't hate you know, you'll do something to make them hate you because you are such a fucking waste."
And merrily we roll along.
I had someone on Twitter smack me down the other day, saying that I was an attention whore, that my need for validation was pathetic. I almost threw up. Because that's what the voice in my mind says, all the time, and hearing it from an outside source…well that's a constant fear (terror) that I have all the time. I was being validated, all right, validated in all the ugliness that lives in my mind and my heart.
I don't blame anyone for my paranoia. No one else out there is doing anything, my rationality says, to encourage or enforce what my brain says to me.
(I had to stop and cross myself right then cause I heard sirens, and if I don't cross myself, something bad will happen)
Anyway, I don't blame anyone. When I'm on an email conversation, as I was last night, and friends of mine are chatting back and forth, I sat there looking at all the messages and I started hysterically crying. Not because of anything anyone said, but because that voice was telling me this:
"You don't belong. No one likes you. Your feelings, your opinions, are moot. No one cares. You might as well not even exist, and why should you? You're a bad person, a pathetic attention whore who deserves to sit alone in your apartment every day and night totally isolated, because who in their right mind would want to be around you?"
As I write this, the voice is screaming at me that this is all just a pathetic cry for attention. It's not, it's all I can do just to explain why sometimes I go into hiding completely, or I run from social events, or why sometimes I can't stop crying and no one knows why. It all comes down to the flashing lights on the billboard in my mind:
"No one loves you, and no one ever will. Because you don't deserve it."
So when i write these rambling blog entries, and I sit here writhing in self-loathing that A: no one will read it, B: no one will care C: people WILL read it and be so put off by my unbelievable amount of narcissism that they'll write all over the internet that I suck, or whatever my brain has decided to torture me with today, that's what I am thinking.
And now it is, of course, time for apologies.
I'm sorry I whine and moan and complain. I'm sorry I'm an attention whore. I'm sorry that I take what I have for granted and nothing is ever good enough. I'm sorry that I'm a bad, bad person. I'm so sorry.
And that? This whole entry? That's paranoia. That's what goes on in my head 24/7.
I just wanted to write it down, in case I'm not the only one. If it happens to you too, I want to give you a huge hug and tell you everything is going to be okay. That you're not the only one. And I'm here to help you in any way. Hell, if I can't help myself, I sure as hell should be helping other people, right?
Oh god, I'll shut up now. Please don't be too disgusted.
This is paranoia. That hateful, cruel bitch, paranoia.