I am KRYPTONITE to electronics. Seriously, there isn't something you can plug in that I can't break simply by looking at it. It's my X-Men power. I break things WITH MY MERE PRESENCE. It's awesome, really it is. So this is what I've been dealing with for the last, oh, month or so.
Me: Worky worky worky on computer.
Computer: *sighs* *dies*
Me: What what what????? *reboot*
Computer: I'm just going to do it again, you know.
Computer: That would be telling.
Me: Okay, smartass, I'm calling my brother, he'll fix you.
Computer: Your brother's asleep, it's 7 am and he doesn't have to work today. Call Dell. I'll stay on long enough for you to get the number.
Me: Gee, that's awfully generous of you, thanks.
Computer: I live to serve! And break.
Me: Okay, calling Dell.
Lovely Woman In India: Thank you for calling Dell! How can I help you?
Me: My computer keeps shutting off. For no reason.
LWII: Is it plugged in?
Me: *dripping with politeness* Yes, it's plugged in.
LWII: Well since you still have a warranty, I can go ahead and remotely access your computer and see what's going on.
Me: You're gonna what?
LWII: I'm going to control your computer.
Me: FROM INDIA???
Me: Well. Isn't that…neat. OKAY! Go ahead, fix my computer from India!
*the computer starts doing things on its own. The cursor moves. Programs are started. I stare at the screen in awe.*
*much time passes*
LWII: Okay, there's nothing wrong with your computer.
Me: EXCEPT ME!!!!!! I DID IT!!!! That's what I didn't tell you, I BREAK computers! I don't mean to, its just HAPPENS. I can't help it! I don't MEAN to break them!
Me: Not that I don't totally appreciate you doing whatever it is you did, I just…OOH IT HAPPENED AGAIN IT SHUT OFF.
LWII: I did that.
Me: Oh. You could warn a girl.
LWII: Okay, let's turn it on again.
Me: Okay, THAT I can do. I can turn it on, it's this button right here.
LWII: Okay, so we are connected again. Wow, you have a LOT of things on your desktop.
Me: Oh, I work on the internet, I keep all my pics there. It's totally stupid and wastes a lot of space, but what can I say? I gotta be me.
LWII: Okay, so now I'm going to do something really complicated to make sure all your hardware is working. I need you to do one thing for me.
Me: Anything! Just FIXIT!
LWII: Don't. Touch. The. Computer.
Me: *jumps off couch, scurries into kitchen* I am nowhere near the computer!
*I sneak a peek at the computer, which is going along by itself like a GHOST is IN MY MACHINE, but I know, rationally, it's just the lovely woman from India, doing whatever the hell it is people do to fix computers idiots like me break.*
LWII: Okay! All your drives are updated. It shouldn't happen again.
Me: Oh, it will.
LWII: Then you can call back! Here is your reference number. Do you have a pen?
Me: I have an eyeliner!
Me: I have a pen, yes. *gets reference number* Okay, so you promise it won't shut off again?
LWII: It shouldn't, there aren't any problems with it.
Me: EXCEPT ME.
Me: Oh. OH YOU LAUGH. But you just spent TWO HOURS with me on the phone sending your SPIRIT GUIDES into my Dell to fix it, and after all this, you say that there's nothing wrong with it, so the problem has to be ME.
LWII: Or a fan.
Me: A fan?
LWII: A fan might be broken and overheating the computer. If it shuts down again, call back and we'll see what we can do.
Me: Well, and please don't take this the wrong way, ma'am, you've done an extraordinary job and you're absolutely delightful to speak to, but I'm calling my brother if this happens again.
LWII: Your brother is a computer technician?
Me: My brother is MacGyver.
Me: My brother can fix anything. I'm calling him. But not now, he's sleeping.
LWII: Well…good luck, and thank you for choosing Dell!
Me: I DIDN'T ASK FOR THESE POWERS.
Me: IT'S A CURSE!!!!!!!!!!!
LWII: Time to go! Goodbye!
So now I'm writing this, staring suspiciously at the computer like it could EXPLODE AT ANY MOMENT, and waiting for it to be mid-afternoon so I can call MacGyver and he can yell at me for breaking my computer.
How's YOUR morning going?