AMG, are we all still here? Seriously, this movie, man. Between the shirtless youngsters and Kristen Stewart's "acting" and WHERE IS SERGEANT GLITTERBRITCHES it's been FOREVER since we saw him in non-ghostly form, and I miss Alice, and endless montages of fixing motorcycles…I'm getting tired. But we must press on! And give thanks for small favors, like shirtless youngsters and whoever got rid of Jacob's wig, because that was the most atrocious thing I've ever seen and it was IMPOSSIBLE to do anything but laugh when he was onscreen, so now he's all shaved and angsty and on we blindly stagger.
Bella dreams. She's in the woods. She's scared. Quick shots of Edward and Jacob. She's conflicted. She looks stoned as hell. She FINALLY figures out the wolfy secret. Waking up, she goes to Jacob's house, where he is sleeping. All the other wolfy boys (Shirtless, drink) are in the yard. Bella yells at them. They laugh. She slaps one. He wolfs out. Bella runs, Jacob (shirtless, drink) runs out to the yard and wolfs out too. The two wolfies spar. Bella looks mildly concerned. Someone ACTUALLY SAYS "guess the wolf's out of the bag" which, dios mio, and Sam tells another shirtless but non-wolfed dude to "take Bella to Emily's place." Bella and two dumb joke making shirtless guys (DRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINK) go to what we assume is "Emily's" place, and one of the dumb guys warns Bella not to stare at Emily, cause it pisses Sam off. Bella's all "whatever."
In the house, Emily fixes what appears to be breakfast for 30 people. Nope, it's just for the wolf boys, they grow so fast yanno. Bella hangs in the doorway, looking bored. Emily faces her, and we see that she has a massive claw scar down one side of her lovely face. The dumb guys introduce her as "Bella Swan, who else?" because as we all well know, EVERYTHING IS ABOUT BELLA. Emily's all "aaaaaaah, the vamp girl, and refrains from rolling her eyes because she's a lady. Bella bitchily counters with "You're the wolf girl" and Emily says she's engaged to one. Emily, because she's a lady, offers Bella a muffin, and asks how Jacob got around the whole "secret keeping wolf thing." Bella assures Emily that Jacob didn't say anything, and the two idiot boys natter on about nothing. They hate vamps. Bella's unimpressed. Sam enters, says Bella's "good with weird" and smooches Emily. Now everyone in the pack is here, and shirtless, drink, and Jacob drags Bella off to explain that he has the gene to be a werewolf. She asks him to you know, stop being a werewolf, and he awesomely says she's a hypocrite. He's not the "right kind of monster?" She calls him a killer. He says they only kill vamps, and that the Cullens have a treaty with them that if they stay vegetarian, the wolves will leave them alone. I just noticed that Jacob is wearing a shirt. Tragic, that. Jacob assures Bella that they've killed Laurent and now they're after Victoria. Bella, because everything is about her, says Vicki's there for her. Jacob excuses himself, he's got a vamp to kill.
Alice email: Bella's all alone. Jacob is hunting Vicki, Charlie is hunting the wolves, she (Alice) is gone, and of course Sparklepants is gone too. Soooooooooo she's miserable as usual. Bella's determined to see Eddie again, and there's only one way to do that! Get in daaaaaaaaaaaaaaanger, and she's going to do just that. But not before we have a montage of Vicki killing Charlie's fishing buddy and the wolves going after her. They lose Vicki when the swan-dives off the cliff and swims away.
Who else is at the cliff? Bella, of course, who is gonna jump so ghost Eddie will come to her, which he does, but she jumps anyway. A wave hits her in the face and she goes down. Oh shit, there's Vicki, coming after her. Bella bonks her head on the cliff and knocks herself out, and then
THE MOST HILARIOUS THING HAPPENS.
So Bella's out cold, and sinking to the ocean floor, and Ghost Edward is right there, no expression on his face, totally upside down and it's the most ridiculous visual ever because it's supposed to be dead serious and you know RPatz has some Teamster holding him by his ankles.
We see hands yanking Bella up, and it's Jacob, shirtless, drink your drink, and he's doing that "breathe! Breathe!" thing instead of yanno, giving her mouth to mouth. (this only works in movies.) A shirtless wolfboy yells that fishing buddy is dead, heart attack, as we see Victoria bobbing evilly in the water.
In the truck, Bella snuggles up to Jacob, who's always warm (GET IT? NOT LIKE EDWARD WHO IS ALWAYS COLD IT'S A COMPARISON) and Jacob tells the story of Sam getting out of control for a second and scarring Emily for life. What if Jacob did that to her (please do)? They come close to smooching, but they don't. Again. Angst.
Jacob can smell a vamp. It's Carlyle's car! No, says Jacob, don't go! She's gonna go. Don't do it, he begs. She does it anyway. AND IT'S ALICE!!!!!! And Alice is shocked that Bella's alive, since she had a vision of Bella jumping off the cliff. "it was fun?" Bella stammers. Alice calls her an idiot. I love Alice so much. She scrunches her nose and says Bella smells like a wet dog. Bella immediately spills that werewolves are her new besties. Alice says they're bad. Enter Jacob! Perfect timing. Alice is offended. She'd never hurt Bella. She didn't envision Victoria or Bella getting saved cause the wolves are blocking her visions. She flounces out "until Bella puts the dog out." HA. Awesome.
Jacob wants to know how many Cullens are back. It's just Alice, and she's staying. Alice doesn't even know where Edward is most of the time. Bella snarks that Jacob should get back to his dogs, and he angsts that he keeps breaking his promise not to hurt her. They almost kiss. Again. Saved by the ringing phone! Jacob answers, and says Charlie isn't there, he's arranging a funeral.
Cut to Captain Sparkle crushing a cellphone.
Alice bolts in, saying she had a vision of Edward going to the Volturi to kill himself now that he thinks Bella's dead. Don't go, says Jake. I have to go, says Bella. Back and forth. Alice looks awesomely bored. She and Bella zip off to Italy to stop Edward before he does something stupid.
Continued in THE FINAL CHAPTER!