Oh, my beloved little squirrels, I was cranky last night! I was over-tired, and I was taking things Too! Personally! Whereas I should have brushed them off. My feelings were hurt, man, and I was toooooooooo sensitive. Thankfully I had Amber to IM and when I told her of the situation and was all "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" she, who knows me so well, told me to go to bed. That I, like an overtired toddler, was getting petulant and cranky, and needed some sleep. She was completely and totally right.
It's strange, how my bipolar manifests itself sometimes. I had been just fine, writing an article for MamaPop, watching teevee, and suddenly and without provocation, my mood just slammed down into the garbage disposal. I was angry, I was pissed off, weepy, etc. I wanted to break all my plates and yell at everyone (that's everyone in the world, no one had ACTUALLY done anything to me) that they sucked and I was taking my ball and going home. It was ridiculous.
But it wasn't, because, as my shrink has said to me on several occasions, no emotion, no FEELING is ridiculous or stupid, whether you have a mental "disorder' or not. It's how you deal with those emotions that is important, vital, and sometimes lifesaving. Also it saves you money on broken plates.
So I took my cranky ass to bed, got about 6 hours of sleep (pretty damn good for me, I don't sleep much) and now I'm up and simply grateful I didn't do or say anything rash. Stuff like this happens to me a lot, and there are days I think I should put a post-it on my bedroom mirror that says "BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING RASH: ARE YOU OVERTIRED?" because that's often the case.
I could get into defending and reasoning behind my foul mood (I've been working too hard, people are really inconsiderate sometimes, it's almost the end of the month and I'm out of money) but those are situations that people deal with every day. And I'm not going to blame bipolar, or anything, really. I short-circuited last night, and the widdle cranky baby needed a nap. It was as simple as that.
But then I woke up to something this morning that gave me pause. I had received a Tweet in response to what *I* thought had been a lighthearted comment that…well, I'll just show you.
Ha ha, right? At least I had meant for it to be funny, in order to mask the real meaning, which was that my feelings were hurt that there had been what seemed to be a mass exodus from my follower column. In fact, my friend Laroux and I had a good laugh about it, deciding it was because of Stewie's stance on health care, and sure, I was sullen, and the voice in my head was having a a field day saying "HAHA PEOPLE HATE YOU" (and there was also, thankfully the reasoning of friends who are, ya know, rational and sane unlike me, saying that it was just some people on Twitter, man, don't let your lack of self-esteem make mountains out of molehills, jeez, woman, you need a nap) and I went to bed.
With the sun this morning (and my fistful of meds) came more perspective, and I had totally let the situation go, because, let's be honest, it was never a big deal to begin with, baby needed a nap. Then I received a message, which said the following re: the above tweet:
"@missbanshee Can't speak for others, but recent posts had me fearing first live-tweet of suicide. Honesty is great, but: yikes."
WHOA. THERE'S something to wake a person up. So I wanted to make this abundantly clear to everyone. I get in dreadful moods. My mood swings are WICKED. It's my illness, sure, sometimes it's just a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad month. And writing on the internet is really my only outlet other than a weekly trip to my shrink. SO. If I have ever, EVER concerned ANYONE with the concept that I could be suicidal? I apologize from the bottom of my heart. What a horrible thing to deal with. I'd unfollow me too. I'm okay. I have bad days, I say stupid things, I might even go after inanimate objects from time to time, but seriously? I'm not suicidal. And if I scared anyone, you have my deepest, most heartfelt apologies.
Days are tough, and nights are worse, but I'm not going anywhere. Promise. And to the person who wrote that message? Thank you. Thank you for the perspective I needed when I put my special brand of crazy on the internet. I forget that there are people who actually care. I needed that punch in the arm, man. And I thank you so much for whacking me with the honesty stick.
You're not getting rid of me, folks. I used up all my 9 lives in that coma. I'm sticking with this one. I'm too curious about life not to.
Danielle, (out of the tower for this one.)