Hie Thee To a Nap; or, A Heartfelt Apology

Oh, my beloved little squirrels, I was cranky last night! I was over-tired, and I was taking things Too! Personally! Whereas I should have brushed them off. My feelings were hurt, man, and I was toooooooooo sensitive. Thankfully I had Amber to IM and when I told her of the situation and was all "THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!" she, who knows me so well, told me to go to bed. That I, like an overtired toddler, was getting petulant and cranky, and needed some sleep. She was completely and totally right. 

It's strange, how my bipolar manifests itself sometimes. I had been just fine, writing an article for MamaPop, watching teevee, and suddenly and without provocation, my mood just slammed down into the garbage disposal. I was angry, I was pissed off, weepy, etc. I wanted to break all my plates and yell at everyone (that's everyone in the world, no one had ACTUALLY done anything to me) that they sucked and I was taking my ball and going home. It was ridiculous. 

But it wasn't, because, as my shrink has said to me on several occasions, no emotion, no FEELING is ridiculous or stupid, whether you have a mental "disorder' or not. It's how you deal with those emotions that is important, vital, and sometimes lifesaving. Also it saves you money on broken plates. 

So I took my cranky ass to bed, got about 6 hours of sleep (pretty damn good for me, I don't sleep much) and now I'm up and simply grateful I didn't do or say anything rash. Stuff like this happens to me a lot, and there are days I think I should put a post-it on my bedroom mirror that says "BEFORE YOU DO SOMETHING RASH: ARE YOU OVERTIRED?" because that's often the case.

I could get into defending and reasoning behind my foul mood (I've been working too hard, people are really inconsiderate sometimes, it's almost the end of the month and I'm out of money) but those are situations that people deal with every day. And I'm not going to blame bipolar, or anything, really. I short-circuited last night, and the widdle cranky baby needed a nap. It was as simple as that. 

But then I woke up to something this morning that gave me pause. I had received a Tweet in response to what *I* thought had been a lighthearted comment that…well, I'll just show you. 

 Twitterfollowers
Ha ha, right? At least I had meant for it to be funny, in order to mask the real meaning, which was that my feelings were hurt that there had been what seemed to be a mass exodus from my follower column. In fact, my friend Laroux and I had a good laugh about it, deciding it was because of Stewie's stance on health care, and sure, I was sullen, and the voice in my head was having a a field day saying "HAHA PEOPLE HATE YOU"  (and there was also, thankfully the reasoning of friends who are, ya know, rational and sane unlike me,  saying that it was just some people on Twitter, man, don't let your lack of self-esteem make mountains out of molehills, jeez, woman, you need a nap) and I went to bed. 

With the sun this morning (and my fistful of meds) came more perspective, and I had totally let the situation go, because, let's be honest, it was never a big deal to begin with, baby needed a nap. Then I received a message, which said the following re: the above tweet:

"@missbanshee Can't speak for others, but recent posts had me fearing first live-tweet of suicide. Honesty is great, but: yikes."

WHOA. THERE'S something to wake a person up. So I wanted to make this abundantly clear to everyone. I get in dreadful moods. My mood swings are WICKED. It's my illness, sure, sometimes it's just a bad day, or a bad week, or a bad month. And writing on the internet is really my only outlet other than a weekly trip to my shrink. SO. If I have ever, EVER concerned ANYONE with the concept that I could be suicidal? I apologize from the bottom of my heart. What a horrible thing to deal with. I'd unfollow me too. I'm okay. I have bad days, I say stupid things, I might even go after inanimate objects from time to time, but seriously? I'm not suicidal. And if I scared anyone, you have my deepest, most heartfelt apologies. 

Days are tough, and nights are worse, but I'm not going anywhere. Promise. And to the person who wrote that message? Thank you. Thank you for the perspective I needed when I put my special brand of crazy on the internet. I forget that there are people who actually care. I needed that punch in the arm, man. And I thank you so much for whacking me with the honesty stick. 

You're not getting rid of me, folks. I used up all my 9 lives in that coma. I'm sticking with this one. I'm too curious about life not to. 

xoxoxoxoxo,

Danielle, (out of the tower for this one.)


Comments

Hie Thee To a Nap; or, A Heartfelt Apology — 17 Comments

  1. I also have bipolar disorder and my psychiatrist said without enough sleep, crisis is inevitable. In fact, he insists on a tiny dose of Seroquel at bedtime to ensure I will sleep no matter what. (Re: Seroquel: It is officially an atypical anti-psychotic that is occasionally used for BD, but in my case he is using it off-label for sleep. He feels it is safer (not addictive) than regular sleep meds).

  2. Damn, I always miss these nighttime kerfluffles and I’m RIGHT THERE half the time. Twitter seems so nuts I guess nothing seems remarkable.
    Do people really mean, literally, what they say on Twitter. I like it primarily because it is a forum for fabulism, twisted humor and exaggeration.
    It’s strange to me how quickly these internet things that I never care about somehow acquire sharp edges for my ego. So I understand about how losing followers could be a bummer.
    I never feared for a live tweeted suicide. Don’t apologize for your mood swings. Don’t even apologize if you WERE suicidal. I think this person is missing what makes the internet interesting–all these voices, all these different lives. But it is true that we can just pick and choose what we like–that’s another thing. I sometimes just don’t want to read anything about cute/funny little kids even though I have cute/funny little kid because I dunno…it bores me. Some mommyblogging also makes me anxious in my parenting. So I avoid it. And this guy/gal doesn’t want to read about strong feelings. So be it.
    I always tell my cute little kid the whole ‘different strokes for different folks’ thing. Some people will not want to be your friend. They won’t even get you. That’s just how it is. It doesn’t mean you are better or worse. It just is. I don’t add the part that Hitler had a lot of friends! More friends than Winston Churchill, I’ll bet. (Well, someday I will…but she’s only 5 and not ready to hear about Hitler yet.)

  3. Thanks for the reassurance. We do love you and would miss your wit and honesty. Glad to know you’ll be around for the long haul.

  4. Sorry to hear that you are having a rough go of it right now. I’m not on twitter so have no opinion of it but just glad to hear that you’ll be treating us to your special brand of crazy for a long time to come.
    And naps. They are good. I am jelus.

  5. I love you so much, and am continually awed by your strength and character.
    And I agree: Stewie’s healthcare opinions are CONTROVERSIAL.
    You are my hero.

  6. If you can take another whack with the honesty stick…I’ve been considering unfollowing you from twitter because there are SO many self promotional tweets recently. I get letting twitter know about a new blog post…but it seems like it’s happening an ass-tonne and it’s a bit infuriating.

  7. “Honesty Stick” I wish you had given an actual email so I could reply in depth. I know I self-promote a LOT. It’s a flaw. I’m working on it. I’d say more, but this isn’t the forum. Thank you for your honesty, I just wish you had identified yourself so I could discuss this to a person and not a fake email.

  8. I thought your tweet was funny when it came up… especially because I wouldn’t think that people who would follow you in the first place would be such dedicated DWTS or New Moon fans that they’d unfollow b/c of your funny recap. Maybe you’re getting unfollowed by spammers? They go away in large bunches sometimes.
    Also… I notice the repeated tweeting of blog entries, which only bugs me b/c I get excited and click thinking it’s something new and then realize I’ve already read it. πŸ™

  9. If you see a shrink and take meds, and still feel this way, it seems you aren’t taking the right meds. Meds are suppose to level you out and keep you from reacting that way to life. Ask your doctor about Geodon. Its a miracle drug.

  10. I tend to disagree about the self promotion. If you don’t promote yourself, who will? You shouldn’t feel bad about it. I follow a fair number of people on Twitter all with their own things they share (their own blogs, other links, and so forth) I lose track of stuff sometimes. Other times I gloss over the first time I see one of your self-promotional tweets. If you don’t self-promote again, I won’t see it. I’m sure this is the case with people other than just myself. Especially, if you follow someone who will tweet about 10 things in a row every 10 minutes like Kevin Smith. Stuff gets mixed up and lost.
    Please keep self-promoting on twitter, I’m sure I’m not the only person who would miss stuff, if you didn’t repeat yourself.
    Again, I ask, if you don’t promote yourself, who will? Keep doing it.

  11. I really didn’t mean it bothered me that much– certainly not to make me think it’s obnoxious. I just want you to do nothing but write blog entries all day and entertain me because my job sucks. πŸ™‚

  12. OK, let me add my whatever
    1. I don’t think you overtweet.
    2. Totally listen to these people I guess. Maybe I’m overly tolerant?
    3. You seem to want to please others. But that will drive anyone crazy. People cannot be pleased. I’ll email you an Aesop’s fable about that at some point.
    4. Everyone self promotes on Twitter. Geez. All the bloggers are all like ‘read my blog post!’
    People, learn to skim.
    But that might be a good idea to label your tweets with the blog post title so you don’t get anyone all excited.
    Gosh, maybe I overtweet. I did my first self promotion tweet ever the other day. I’ve never done that. I don’t even put my blog URL in comments.
    Anyway, maybe I’m being a crank but MS. BANSHEE YOU ARE FINE JUST THE WAY YOU IS. Seriously, you are. Not that anyone every believes that about himself or herself. But still, Stewart Smalley had some wisdom there. DOGGONE IT PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

  13. As a fellow bi polar artist, that is what makes you so special, no friends lost here! Worshiping you always!
    True Passion for life is rare, it inspires or destroys, it generates either good or bad, the choice is yours. Either way its view on what happens, its only your interpretation!
    LOVE YOU Girl!
    c

  14. Dear Miss B,
    Not bipolar as far as I know, but I do have the sleep problem too. Not enough and I get paranoid and nasty. Glad you’re tweeting, and you make me smile. Thanks and keep it up!

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