I'm making myself write, because if I don't, I'll just go back to bed again, and I'm so tired of feeling tired and out of it and just…fuzzy in my brain that I really don't know where this entry will go, but I'm just going to keep writing and see what happens.
I feel like I've completely lost a week of my life, which basically I did. The onset of the haze the Zyprexa put me in came slowly – I was kind of out of it when I went out with my friends in NYC the other night, and I kept tripping over my own feet on Sunday, but it wasn't until Monday that something inside told me, as I walked into yet another doorframe, that something was really wrong.
I feel like I've been zonked forever. I can't believe it would have just been a week on the damn stuff today, had I not stopped it last night.
People tried to warn me, without frightening me too much, that this crap was going to mess my LIFE up, but I'm not one to mess with prescriptions, so when the doctor said "take this" I took it. In retrospect, I've got to be more cautious in what I research and how much I trust in what doctors say.
It's shocking to me that I have become so lackadaisical in my distrust of doctors. I never really trusted them, and my issues with paranoia and a lot of bad experiences kept me very wary of doctors for most of my adult life, but when I was in the hospital, once I was out of the coma, I HAD to depend on the medical staff for everything, (my hands were tied down for much of this time, due to the penchant I had for pulling out my breathing tube) and between that and rehab, I learned to defer to doctors.
To tell the truth, I WANTED to believe what doctors told me. "Take this and you'll feel better." Who doesn't want that kind of reassurance, right? I've been faithfully taking meds for my bipolar since I entered rehab, and never have fought them, messed with the dosage, or gone off of one without the consent of my doctor. I'm really good with meds, taught by the techs at rehab who doled out the pills every day, because we obviously weren't to be trusted.
But now, who can I trust? If not doctors, than who? My therapist is on vacation for another two weeks, and my meds doc is a colossal asshole, so where am I going to go to be told what to do?
I can't believe how dependent I've become on other people, people "in charge," people who give the orders and I just follow like a dependable little worker bee.
This is a very, very frightening thing to think about, and I think I've just now really realized it.
I need to sit with this information for a while.