Destruction of Trust

I'm making myself write, because if I don't, I'll just go back to bed again, and I'm so tired of feeling tired and out of it and just…fuzzy in my brain that I really don't know where this entry will go, but I'm just going to keep writing and see what happens.

I feel like I've completely lost a week of my life, which basically I did. The onset of the haze the Zyprexa put me in came slowly – I was kind of out of it when I went out with my friends in NYC the other night, and I kept tripping over my own feet on Sunday, but it wasn't until Monday that something inside told me, as I walked into yet another doorframe, that something was really wrong. 

I feel like I've been zonked forever. I can't believe it would have just been a week on the damn stuff today, had I not stopped it last night. 

People tried to warn me, without frightening me too much, that this crap was going to mess my LIFE up, but I'm not one to mess with prescriptions, so when the doctor said "take this" I took it. In retrospect, I've got to be more cautious in what I research and how much I trust in what doctors say.

It's shocking to me that I have become so lackadaisical in my distrust of doctors. I never really trusted them, and my issues with paranoia and a lot of bad experiences kept me very wary of doctors for most of my adult life, but when I was in the hospital, once I was out of the coma, I HAD to depend on the medical staff for everything, (my hands were tied down for much of this time, due to the penchant I had for pulling out my breathing tube) and between that and rehab, I learned to defer to doctors. 

To tell the truth, I WANTED to believe what doctors told me. "Take this and you'll feel better." Who doesn't want that kind of reassurance, right? I've been faithfully taking meds for my bipolar since I entered rehab, and never have fought them, messed with the dosage, or gone off of one without the consent of my doctor. I'm really good with meds, taught by the techs at rehab who doled out the pills every day, because we obviously weren't to be trusted. 

But now, who can I trust? If not doctors, than who? My therapist is on vacation for another two weeks, and my meds doc is a colossal asshole, so where am I going to go to be told what to do?

I can't believe how dependent I've become on other people, people "in charge," people who give the orders and I just follow like a dependable little worker bee.

This is a very, very frightening thing to think about, and I think I've just now really realized it.

I need to sit with this information for a while. 


Destruction of Trust — 8 Comments

  1. It’s an important thing to realize that no one is all-knowing.
    I had that experience with doctors and meds when I was still a teenager. I had pretty severe bronchitis, and the medication I was on wasn’t working, so they gave me something bigger and badder. And it made me feel worse. Not like my bronchitis was getting worse, but like I couldn’t breathe AND something else was wrong. I refused to take it. My parents were livid, who was I to think I knew better than the doctor?
    And then we went to the emergency room and found out that med was causing my heart to race, so much so that they put me on a heart monitor then and there because they thought for sure I would go into cardiac arrest.
    3 days later, I got over it, and the bronchitis. But it proved to me that I DO know myself better than any doctor. And if what they’re telling me doesn’t feel right, I shouldn’t do it.

  2. I agree with Sarah. It is vitally important that you listen to your self and your body, even if there is a history of one or both of them making stuff up. My experience is that the more you listen to your body the more honest it becomes with you (but then my issues are not nearly the scope of your issues). On the other hand – and this really is second hand information – as I understand the mind-meds, some work for some people and others work for other people; the science behind what works for whom is just not there, so the Drs. are left with trial and error. Add in to that the fact that the body and mind are adaptive, so much so that a med that worked for 3 years stops working for an unknown reason. I’m not defending the Drs. Like many things I imagine it is a balance; although one of my friends who’s been on mind-meds says it is like flying an airplane – constant course adjustment.

  3. Sarah’s right. No doctor knows everything. We prescribe drugs based on research and papers and the effect it’s likely to have, and most of the time that works. But the patients don’t always read the papers (especially mine!)and they don’t respond like they’re “supposed” to. If that happens you need to let your doctor know, and if he/she is worth his salt, he’ll listen to you. I end practically every sick appointment with “if it’s not getting better by -insert time by which it should be improving-, call me.”

  4. i echo what your other commenters are sharing with you, in that no doctor truly “knows” everything. they can speculate and try and sincerely works towards helping their patients, but they do not “know” how ones brain is going to react to a drug until it is tried by the patient. in this case, it sucks that your therapist is gone still, because while it’s awesome that you are so candidly sharing your journey here on your blog, i can imagine that you want to share this with your therapist as well.
    is it possible for you to take this prescription maybe every other day? or adjust the dosage a bit so that it doesn’t cause you to run into shit? that way you are at least continuing the process of this particular prescription without going cold turkey while your therapist is still gone.
    i dunno dude… in the meantime, you have a support system here.

  5. I gave up on trusting doctors around the age of 20. I’ve had one doctor in all these years (I’m 48) that I’ve really trusted, and even with him, I checked up on everything he said. Because I have an illness that many doctors don’t consider a true illness (I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue, I’ve had to take the lead in most of my health care.
    This isn’t a lecture (I realize it sounds like I’m heading that way, but I’m not). It’s just me trying to tell you that I understand how you feel. You think doctors are there to help you and take care of you, until one day you realize that you’re just one of the many they use to pay for their big house and fancy car.
    My husband found a great site when he was having problems with a medication that the doctor wouldn’t acknowledge. It’s It’s a great site where patients tell what kind of side effects they are experiencing. You know, the ones the pharmaceutical companies say aren’t common enough to list, until millions of users are taking the medication and then that .01% of the patients experiencing it is suddenly thousands and thousands of patients. It was a huge help to us in figuring out that many of the severe symptoms he was having was actually due to the new blood pressure med the doctor put him on.
    Anyway, I hope it gets better. Take a look at the information on the medication. It’s possible that the side effect is one that wears off with time. One of my meds does that. Causes severe nausea when you first start taking it, but that wears off after a couple of weeks. So it might be worthwhile to deal with the fogginess for a while if that’s the case. You’d think the doctor would warn you about things like that, although many of the doctors I’ve been to in the past don’t actually know that much about the medications they’re prescribing. They figure the pharmacist will cover those things.

  6. Ugh, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. As a long-term thought, might it be possible to find a meds doc who’s willing to work with you rather than just throw meds at you? (Yeah, I know that’s not too far away from saying, “might it be possible for you to win the lottery?”)
    Good luck. Keeping you in my thoughts.

  7. That was very clearly written– I think you must be coming out the other side. Did your therapist give you an emergency backup contact for while he/she is away?

  8. Ok, at the risk of being repetitive, I haven’t read the comments above, mainly so I can keep the thoughts in my head straight along with my train of thought…
    Currently, I’m a schitzopath dissociative (there’s more, this is just the condensed version) completely off medication.. dangerous? yes, to a certain degree… insane? absolutely, but that is by definition what I am..
    But, what I have found to be worse is the frivolous way doctors will hand out pills without really paying much attention to the patient… By all rights, I SHOULD be on medication, but somehow, I made it through the first 22 years of my life without it, (insert brief pause here), and then I have gone from 25 to 28 with only minor incident…
    (Rewind to brief pause) For a few short, hazy, unpleasant years, I was taking medication, 175 mg of effexor, 175 mg of seroquel, and 100 mg of trazadone… the worst of this cocktail being the seroquel which made the refrigerator the most entertaining piece of appliance ever..not eating out of it, just staring into it.. I have been on wellbutrin, risperdal, and various and sundry other “calm down, take the pill, we’ve packed all the sharp objects away, have fun with the silence in your head” type pills…
    I DO NOT TRUST ANYONE when it comes to what I should take to fix my headspace and chemical imbalances… weening myself off of the things I’ve been on is worse than coming off methamphetamine (been there too), which is daunting considering how bad a good deal of them make you feel when you’re taking them…
    From what I read, Lovely, your trust in yourself was taken away from you by whoever for whatever reason, but this bad experience has brought you something that most people never get back, hearing your instincts, the ones that are not jumbled together with the erratic static of Imbalance… that is a great thing…
    Finding an even keel is really hard.. and sometimes impossible… sometimes I wish I did have meds to make it easier to maintain… but circumstances don’t allow for that at this time.. but I promise, it is possible, both with and without medication… either of which I do not damn or condone, to each their own…
    This probably makes no sense, and if it doesn’t I’m sorry to add to the confusion.. but if it does, please, don’t hesitate to email me… I’ve been through more than my share, and I am more than happy to lend an ear, a shoulder, or guidance where I can…

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