The Nuns Next Door

I've made my stance on nuns quite clear. However, that pertains just to the nuns that "taught" me in high school. The nuns next door, I have no problem with. 

"What?" You ask, confusedly. "You have NUNS next door?"

Ah! I have a MESS of nuns living next door. Nuns everywhere! Tons of em! Tons of nuns, that's what I've got, but you'd never know, OH NO. You'd never know, because this convent is a convent of sequestered nuns, which means THEY NEVER GO OUTSIDE. Just like me! And I know this, because these nuns have lived here for at least MY entire life, (I live in my hometown, remember) and because I have been inside.


Now, this is not such a big deal, since I went to high school IN a fucking nunnery, and let me tell you about nunneries. They smell. Like old nuns. WHY? Because all nuns are old. They're BORN old, like Benjamin goddamn Button, and they're also BORN NUNS, and they're also born in a VERY BAD MOOD, which continues ad infinitum, because they also NEVER DIE. And that's all you need to know about nuns. Stay away from them. They bite.

Again, my problem was just with the nuns that tortured taught me in high school, not with the nuns next door. WHY? Because they could be PARTY ANIMALS, only WE WOULD NEVER KNOW, because they stay tucked inside that nunnery and never go out, except for one nun who does all the shopping (booze) and errands (more booze) for them, who we call "Sr. Mary Outside" because that's goddamn funny right there, and that's what my dad calls her. My dad's a funny guy.

This is also my dad's hometown, and the nuns have always been here, according to him, so SEE! They are born old and they never die. They are not of this world, people. FEAR THEM. 

If you are lucky enough to NOT go to Catholic school and NOT interact with nuns, let me tell you something about them. They do this whole "charity" thing, right? Well they don't believe in charity beginning at home, I'll tell you that much for free, because we spent a fortune at that goddamn school so I could be tormented within an inch of my life for six years, but that's another story for another time. The point is that charity meant, in seventh grade, to go to the sequestered nunnery and bring them canned goods, which is a crock, because they have Sr. Mary Outside for that crap, and anyway, I've never seen her in the grocery store (she's in the liquor store) or anywhere else except JOYRIDING, which, ya know, wouldn't you do if you were locked up with a bunch of nuns who never went outside, I mean, think of the torture. That nun won the nun LOTTERY, I'm telling you. 

So we go to the nunnery to give them canned string beans or whatever, and dude? DUDE. You don't even get to SEE the nuns! There's a little shelf system like in SILENCE OF THE LAMBS where we put the bags of food and ZIP! it gets pulled in to where the nuns live. I NEVER SAW ONE. Which tells me many things.

This whole nun thing is a ruse. They're just a bunch of hip old ladies who party all the time and figured out a way to be left ALONE by the world, and have suckers bring them canned peas which they totally don't eat, because Sr. Mary Outside gets them tequila and chips, and they might also be NUDISTS or it might be a colony of LESBIANS who live in LESBIAN HEAVEN or maybe they're GOVERNMENT AGENTS who are working on CLASSIFIED INFORMATION and dudes? We'll never know. Because they've got the whole nun front thing, right? GENIUS. 

So there you have it. I have government agent lesbian nudists nuns living next door. And I think they RAWK, and I'll probably get so crazy at one point that I'll try to go live with them, but I'll have to wait till I get old, because, as stated before, all nuns are born at 93 years old and stay exactly the same until the END OF TIME, because they are NOT HUMAN. You heard it here first.


The Nuns Next Door — 9 Comments

  1. Oh wow, you are reminding me that I always wanted to be a nun!
    I found the cloistered monastery thing very appealing.
    But then I wanted to be a monk. A trappist. Like Thomas Merton! Impssible dreams die hard.

  2. DUDE!
    That sounds like a pretty good gig!Do you think they watch roller derby on their big screen t.v.? Hanging out without their whimples, wearing flip-flops, their sturdy black old-lady shoe-boots lined up at the door, ready for funeral duty?
    I agree that most of them are BORN OLD, but there was one nun I had for second grade, who wasn’t born old…she smiled and laughed and hung out with us in the schoolyard, I can still see her playing skiprope with us, her rosary and veil flying up and down with her….Sister Leo John…
    anyway, like Ozma before me, I too wanted to be a nun, until I hit high school and had a whole different crop of nun teachers.

    • Hi –I happened along this site while wandering the Net ‘ You mention a Sister Leo John–did you go to Herring Cove School in Nova Scotia in the mid 1960s? I knew a nun then with that name– taught grade Primary and was our Music teacher. Great person.

  3. After we find the Beek we are totally breaking into the nunnery to see what EXACTLY they do in there.
    I hope they are not nudists because…. ewwwwwww

  4. Is a Mess of Nuns the correct pluralization? Like a murder of crows? If there is no standard you should lobby to make Mess of Nuns the standard.

  5. Hee hee! Very funny. I have two great-aunts who are nuns but they dropped the whimples a long time ago. Then again, they weren’t cloisted nuns either… I do have photographic evidence though that they weren’t always eleventy billion years old. I recommend a raid. In the name of national security of course and not morbid curiosity….

  6. Is Sr. Mary Outside also the one I’ve seen on the sidewalk with a broom?
    I wonder if she ever goes across the street to the take out window and brings back sundaes for the rest of the nuns? Did you ever wonder that?

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