Wookin’ Pah Nub

So you'd think, after last weekend's debacle, that I would stay far away from the dating site that I realize I named in the last entry, so whatever, it's Ok Cupid, which I chose because of one very important factor, one that set it apart from all the other sites.

It was free.

Seriously, it was free, so I signed up. And I have a profile, and whatever. The last time I used it, I dated The Professor for a long time, so even though both of my experiences ended badly, at least I know you CAN meet someone and actually date them and it can be good, until he cheats on you.

BUT I DIGRESS.

So I'm tooling around on the site last night, taking quizzes and looking at profiles, which is not something I make a habit of, frankly, I get on these kicks wherein I check it every day and update my profile and get into the whole thing for about a week and then I totally abandon it for months at a time. I have a short attention span like that. Also, not much tends to happen, because I am a weirdo with a goofy profile, and guys like blondes who treat them badly. 

OOPS I DIGRESSED AGAIN. 

Speaking of digressing, I had a fantastic chat with my old friend Gorman last night, wherein we talked dating, and how both of us are 32 and single, the only difference is that he goes on these dates ALL THE TIME and usually it ends up with him getting, well, jiggy with it, and I certainly do not put out on the first date, because I am WHAT, class? A LADY. That's RIGHT. But he has fun doing what he does, and I am dipping my toe into the dating pool, so all is the way it should be. The point is not that he's as he calls it "The Man" when it comes to dating, it's that we've both come to terms with the fact that we're 32 and single. I'm done tearing my hair and flinging myself on the fainting couch because I'm single and not in my 20s anymore, I mean, I dated some REAL WINNERS in my 20s, and I'd like to think that even though I still have the mindset of a TEENAGER sometimes that I've learned my lessons and will not make the same mistakes in my 30s. I have enough to worry about.

Ah yes, the BAGGAGE I carry. It's enough to make the most seasoned dater pause, the crap I have to divulge at SOME point when I meet someone. I mean, do I tell them right off the bat that I'm a big ol' recovering drunk, and bipolar, and CRAZY AS A LOON, or do I let that slide for a bit until we get to know each other a bit? I mean, it's fairly obvious when I meet people at bars and I order a diet coke that I don't drink, and inevitably the question is asked, and I must say that I've gotten mostly good reactions of the "right on" variety or the person panics and apologizes for being in a bar OMG, which I have to diffuse by saying um, HI, it was my idea to come here in the first place, if I was uncomfortable in a bar i wouldn't suggest going to them, all is well, etc etc etc. 

I don't think the bipolar  thing is as simple. And I can hear some of you yelling DON'T SAY ANYTHING AH MAH GAH THEY WILL FLEE which is totally understandable and the DSM IV is probably not first date reading material, but there's a fine line between "polite conversation on a first date" and "withholding important information." I mean, I don't want to be labeled a LIAR, or be the subject of the date-person using me as fodder for a joke amongst friends about how terrible dating is "And on the third date she dropped the bomb that she was crazy and man, I can't believe I wasted two dates on a loony bird" and AGAIN I can hear you say "if the person flees, he wasn't worth it to begin with" which, YES, you're right, but bipolar is a scary thing to hear about, and carries a pretty ugly and heavy stigma, and let's just say that I am nowhere near date-savvy enough to really know when is the best time to drop that particular bombshell.

Where am I going with all this? I have a date with another dude on Thursday. I'll let you know how it goes. Of course I will. 


Comments

Wookin’ Pah Nub — 15 Comments

  1. First – I don’t know you very well, but I think you’re fantastic, even with your “baggage”. I’d date you, if I were a single man, cuz yer hott and funny and A LADY.
    Second – High FIVE for the old school, Eddie Murphy, SNL reference with your title! Love it. I’m going to be singing that ALL DAY.

  2. You just be the Fabo Miss Banshee!!! Trust me, one day your prince will arrive, well besides Prince Stewie!!!!

  3. My understanding nod and panicky, “I have no advice, but she probably doesn’t want advice anyway, because no one wants advice ever, which is why my very masculine habit of needing to SOLVE everyone else’s problems is so freakin’ annoying” face.
    How about you open with, I’m so cool on the Internet that Santa is a fan. Which I know because I’m looking at your Facebook Fan list over here and freakin’ Santa. Seriously.

  4. My husband and I met on match.com. And he listed his status there as “never been married.” I found out on our third date that that was um, not so much true, as he was actually a TAINTED DIVORCEE (much like Tenley). I mean, it was fine, they were married for 6 months, and they didn’t have any kids. But he also knew that mentioning his divorce straight off might’ve given me a different impression of him. So I think what I’m saying is that I think the bipolar thing could be maybe a 2nd or 3rd date mention. And if it DOES put a guy off, well then, they’re clearly not worth it.

  5. I think you can be honest, without labeling yourself or “confessing” or…whatev. I did the online dating thing, & im not sorry i did. some were rad. some were so effing histerical OMG. some were creepy.
    i have said for years: when you have something with someone? YOU KNOW IT. and when you dont? YOU KNOW THAT TOO (not yelling sorry).
    i dated 28% of men in the tri state area (fact) and when i started “dating” my soontobehusband? two days, tops, and we knew.
    just sayin.

  6. Point the First: LOVE the Eddie Murphy/Buckwheat shout out. Why? Am a HUGE dork.
    Point the Second: When it happens, it happens. My best friend introduced my husband and I. 6 years and 2 kids later I still blame her….
    Point the Third: STILL have not told husband that I was engaged in college. It, uh, never came up and I’ve been seriously trying to repress that part of my life and I never was going to actually MARRY him and someone please tell me that my pathetic excuses are okay…
    Point the Fourth: Good luck on Thursday and have a lot of fun!

  7. Concerning your “baggage” — hey, it’s what makes us so interesting.
    I, too, once dropped a little mental health history on the first date (she asked, “What don’t I know that you want me to know?”, so …) Ok, not so smart, but it didn’t faze her, and we went out on more dates. We have remained “friends” since (so I have that going for me …). But, it’s not necessary to divulge everything about oneself right away. We try to get too much done too quickly — enjoy the process of getting to know someone, and let them enjoy getting to know you.
    Good luck Thursday.

  8. Maybe you should just date other crazy people. That’s what I do.
    Or I did… before I moved into a cave and became a hermit who hides from the sun and waves a stick at visitors.
    On second thought, don’t listen to me.

  9. On our first date, my future husband told me he had recently completed a brief stint in jail for a DUI and that he had an alcohol problem. I was so stunned by his humility and honesty; that he would trust me with all of his personal “baggage”. I found it refreshing and we have been married 13 years now. His ability to be completely honest with me is a huge reason we’ve been able to make it work.
    I think the “great” ones aren’t so easily scared. Not saying I’m a “great” one, by the way. Just impressed by honesty.

  10. I’ve never done the online dating thing, so best of luck there, from one who knows nothing about it!
    I try to get as many of the “Deal Breakers” out of the way as possible, as early on as possible, so as not to discover that I’ve grown attached to someone that I couldn’t possibly be with. Maybe not first date, though.
    And to shamelessly copy a previous commenter, I’d like to add that you most certainly are, UNCE, TICE, FEE TIMES A MADY! 🙂

  11. 1. I met my current husband on Match.com, so online dating services can work. We “knew” on our first F2F date, after hours on the phone & numerous emails back & forth before that. But we still took it (kind of) slowly.
    2. I did NOT bring up my (severe, medicated) depression/GAD on our first date. Probably not our second. I’d suggest not just blurting it out randomly, but an opportunity will likely come up pretty quickly so take it.
    3. Don’t make a big deal of it when it comes up. It’s just one part of you, it is not the entire you. The bigger deal you make of it, the bigger deal he will make of it (and may well freak out).
    4. “I am a weirdo with a goofy profile” Hey, if your profile is Real and Honest and reflects who you are, that’ll help a lot. Seriously. Fake profiles get you fake hits.
    5. Dating in your 40s is REALLY, REALLY FUCKING SCARY. Do it now before it gets scarier :-P.
    6. It’s worth it. DH and I have been married going on 6 years & I love him today just as much as the day we met.
    7. UNCE, TICE, FEE TIMES A MADY!!!!

  12. Let’s see… I went on blind date in Fall of 2003, was older than you by quite a few years, still with the guy, and still single. Two of my best friends didn’t meet their Mr. Rights until they were late 30s, early 40s; third one is still looking, in her 40s, and struggling like you are with the eDating world. Even without all the cr*p you have survived, these fabulous ladies needed to take their time. You have a right to take your time if that is what you want or need. Be true to the LADY that you are.

  13. I agree with Julia. I think that you should not bring up being bipolar on the first date, but if things look promising, you should take the first opportunity to tell him. I also concur that it will only be as big of a deal as you make it. It is only one facet of your personality.
    My husband is a tainted divorcee who was married for nearly a decade to his HS sweetheart. I have some anger management issues and I have too many pets who have the run of the house. The point is, we all have issues but they make us who we are.
    Good luck!

  14. I know it’s different for everyone, but ever since my diagnosis I decided to be open about my ‘status’ (because I was so damn glad I finally knew what the hell was wrong with me). Therefore I mention my depression (and the fact that I’m on meds – again) as the ‘most personal thing you’re willing to admit to here’ on OkCupid… I reckon that way I weed out the unsuitables right away. 🙂

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