Howard Hughes Would Be Impressed

Me: I can't stop cleaning.

Common Sense: It IS getting a little out of control.


Common Sense: It's 9 AM on a Saturday. You have neighbors. No vacuuming. 

Me: *sulk* Okay, FINE. But I'm Swiffering and you can't stop me.

Common Sense: You know, honey…


CS: …He's still gonna be gone, no matter how much you clean.

Me: I have an idea. Let's alphabetize the dvds. 

CS: We already did that last night. Late. When you should have been sleeping. 

Me: I took a Klonopin, it did absolutely nothing.

CS: It really didn't, did it. 

Me: Nope. Ok, this lamp has to go. It's broken.

CS: You broke that lamp.


CS: You were FLAILING, and you clotheslined it off the table.

Me: Yep. Go boom. All broken. 

CS: Yep. You're so graceful.

Me: That's not the point. The point is that the lamp is broken, so we need to get rid of it.

CS: Your dad will have a conniption. Put it in the closet with the rest of the crap. If you're so keen on cleaning, why not do the closets? They're CRAMMED full of shit, ALL the closets are. 

Me: I can't hear you, I'm exchanging lamps. 

CS: Sigh. I give up. Wait, what are you doing?

Me: ALL these books need to be tastefully rearranged. 

CS: I'm going back to bed. You? Are hopeless.

Me: I'm going to scrub the floors later too.

CS: if you start wearing surgical booties I'm calling your shrink. 

Me: Go. Away.

CS: I bet if Date Boy called you'd stop cleaning. 

Me: IRRELEVANT. Plus, he's busy this weekend, he told me. Next weekend is Date Boy. Hopefully. So we need to keep this place SPOTLESS. 

CS: Honey, you've been at this for a week. Stewie's been gone for a week. You're taking Lulu to the vet this week. You've done all you can do. He's still not coming back. 

Me: Shut up, these clothes need to be arranged according to color and style. 

CS: I'm going back to bed. 

Me: I MADE THAT BED PERFECTLY. Don't touch it. 

CS: Baby, I'm a figment of your imagination. I won't muss the sheets. 

Me: Oh. Okay, just don't…

CS: Touch anything, I know, Mommy Dearest. 

Me: Joan Crawford had the right idea, man.


Me: Good, I have to take out the garbage. Again. 

CS: Sigh.





Howard Hughes Would Be Impressed — 11 Comments

  1. Cleaning endlessly is a better fate than wallowing in bed, or drinking, or eating and eating….at least when you clean you get results! (as we can see by your photo) When I try to clean I get sidetracked every two minutes by something else, and end up with more mess than what I started with! Maybe I should leave the closets ALONE
    loved the line “CAN’T HEAR YOU. SWIFFERING.” I will never swiffer again without hearing this argument between you and your Common Sense
    maybe I will try to do the winter/summer clothes switch today…thanks for the inspiration!

  2. Cleaning always makes me forget everything so if ya want yo come to Savannah and help me I would welcome it lol. Keep yourself busy and out of trouble lol

  3. I’m torn between wanting to find a magic cure to help you stop hurting (and therefore, the cleaning), and wanting to invite you over to my house to clean, alphabetize and re-arrange to your heart’s content. #badJennie

  4. “CS: Baby, I’m a figment of your imagination. I won’t muss the sheets.”
    I originally read this entry on a break at work, and my muffled snort of laughter at this was rather undignified.
    I like your rug. Is that a Nemo pillow on your bed?

  5. Oh, and my own weird method of coping with stress and depression? Hair dye. It got to the point where had to stop cold turkey and let my hair grow out because things were reaching levels of badness no amount of conditioner could fix.

  6. Aw. I have a poster for that movie on my wall. 🙂 I have Attention Deficit Disorder with some accompanying memory issues, so I really identified with Dory.

  7. The way you sometimes write about how you live (i.e., referring to needing the people from “Hoarders” to come over), I was sort of scared to see the interior of your apartment. But it’s actually adorable and looks very cozy.
    Also, love the collection of pill bottles on your kitchen counter. We have that too. Between the husband, myself, and the asthmatic toddler, we got a LOT of prescriptions up in this shizz.

  8. First off…. will you come to my house? I could so use your help.
    Second…. I have the same chair from your living room. Mine is yellow and it’s in Zoe’s room. I LOVE that chair. And if that is the couch from the same set… I have that in blue. Couch and love seat. It’s the most comfy furniture.

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