Me: I can't stop cleaning.
Common Sense: It IS getting a little out of control.
Me: I SHOULD VACUUM AGAIN.
Common Sense: It's 9 AM on a Saturday. You have neighbors. No vacuuming.
Me: *sulk* Okay, FINE. But I'm Swiffering and you can't stop me.
Common Sense: You know, honey…
Me: CAN'T HEAR YOU. SWIFFERING.
CS: …He's still gonna be gone, no matter how much you clean.
Me: I have an idea. Let's alphabetize the dvds.
CS: We already did that last night. Late. When you should have been sleeping.
Me: I took a Klonopin, it did absolutely nothing.
CS: It really didn't, did it.
Me: Nope. Ok, this lamp has to go. It's broken.
CS: You broke that lamp.
Me: I was EXERCISING.
CS: You were FLAILING, and you clotheslined it off the table.
Me: Yep. Go boom. All broken.
CS: Yep. You're so graceful.
Me: That's not the point. The point is that the lamp is broken, so we need to get rid of it.
CS: Your dad will have a conniption. Put it in the closet with the rest of the crap. If you're so keen on cleaning, why not do the closets? They're CRAMMED full of shit, ALL the closets are.
Me: I can't hear you, I'm exchanging lamps.
CS: Sigh. I give up. Wait, what are you doing?
Me: ALL these books need to be tastefully rearranged.
CS: I'm going back to bed. You? Are hopeless.
Me: I'm going to scrub the floors later too.
CS: if you start wearing surgical booties I'm calling your shrink.
Me: Go. Away.
CS: I bet if Date Boy called you'd stop cleaning.
Me: IRRELEVANT. Plus, he's busy this weekend, he told me. Next weekend is Date Boy. Hopefully. So we need to keep this place SPOTLESS.
CS: Honey, you've been at this for a week. Stewie's been gone for a week. You're taking Lulu to the vet this week. You've done all you can do. He's still not coming back.
Me: Shut up, these clothes need to be arranged according to color and style.
CS: I'm going back to bed.
Me: I MADE THAT BED PERFECTLY. Don't touch it.
CS: Baby, I'm a figment of your imagination. I won't muss the sheets.
Me: Oh. Okay, just don't…
CS: Touch anything, I know, Mommy Dearest.
Me: Joan Crawford had the right idea, man.
CS: THIS CONVERSATION ENDS NOW.
Me: Good, I have to take out the garbage. Again.