To Rage Or Not To Rage

So I have an appointment with my meds doc today. For the first time since the Zyprexa nightmare. And part of me wants to scream and yell and rant and rip him a new asshole and say "How DARE you. How dare you put me on a drug that has known severe side effects and not give me one word of warning that it could happen? Why did I have to learn from the INTERNET that Zyprexa can cause terrible side effects and that it could make me a zombie?

 "Do you know what I went through that week? My apartment was in shambles, my cat was sick and I didn't even notice until it was too late, when I wasn't sleeping I either felt high as a kite or so stoned that I was walking into walls! And you never took the five seconds it would have taken to say "if you start feeling strange or off, call me right away" or "this drug has been known to have wicked side effects, be careful the first week." No, you told me to INCREASE THE DOSE after the first week. I didn't do that, by the way. I threw those fuckers down the toilet where they belonged. How dare you mess with my mind like that, I'm supposed to be able to TRUST YOU."

Will I say any of that? Probably not. Why? Because I am shamefully, embarrassingly meek when it comes to people in authoritative positions, and doctors are the worst. I become the terrified little girl again, with no sense of pride, or self-preservation other than to smile and nod. I defer. I back down. I disgust myself. 

Really, even writing this is making the self-loathing well up to the brim. I can't believe how submissive I am to anyone in a powerful position, and how much unearned credit I give people, not to mention respect where it is not due. What do I do? I turn that anger inside, I punish myself, I allow my brain to take over and make me cower in the corner. I am so full of shame. It's sickening. 

And I wonder why I have become so OCD as of late. Why I spend hours and hours cleaning things that are already clean, making rules for myself that I have to obey, rituals and rehearsed movements that, if anyone else saw me do, would land me in the bin. (Good thing I'm telling the entire internet, then) but I do know one thing. Ever since the Zyprexa debacle, and Stewie's death, I have become so hell bent on having some kind, ANY kind of power in my life that I have created this set of laws that only I know, only I obey, only I control. Because everything else seems so out of fucking control. I'll make rule after rule, and I'll follow them to the letter, because I have control over that. It won't get that week I lost back. It won't bring my cat back. It won't make that boy I went on a date with call me. But it gives me the only comfort I have. That I can make this the cleanest apartment in the world, and I can't break down, because all my dvds are in perfect alphabetical order. 

Oh my god, LISTEN to me! I'm crazy! This whole diatribe is insane! 

And I want to blame Dr. Douche. But I can only blame myself, now can't I? I deferred, and there were consequences, terrible ones that can't be undone. So I don't know what, if anything, I'll say today at my appointment. But I'll be sure to let you all know one way or the other. 

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Comments

To Rage Or Not To Rage — 18 Comments

  1. You do need to tell the doc what happened and there is no shame in making him feel guilty about not telling you. One thing my doc is good at (no, not being on time) is explaining side effects and/or the next possible steps. There is no reason he didn’t warn you – except laziness or ignorance. This is not Advil or something that is in general use, and if he is any kind of a doc at all he will understand.

  2. if you can’t get a NEW DOCTOR (as above), deal with this one in writing. Write down all the things the want to say and any questions you want to ask before you go. Present him with this upon entering. I’ve done it and it got his attention at least.

  3. Danielle…you need to tell the doctor exactly what you feel. My neurologist wanted to put me on an antidepressant when I had insomnia after I broke up with Troy and told me nothing. She gave me drug samples and a prescription with no warnings at all. I wasn’t depressed I had insomnia and the entire reason I went to her was to see if I could take an over the counter sleep aid that wouldn’t interact with my seizure meds. Meaghan had been on the drugs she gave me and told me that it made her see things and have nightmares.
    Tell the doctor and if they don’t react in a way you see fit then look for a new one. You have to be happy with and fully trust the doctors you’re seeing since your health and well being are so important.
    Love you honey and I hope all works out for the best.

  4. Do you mind if I make a suggestion?
    Pfft…what am I asking for. Everyone knows I’m going to make it regardless. I’m a nosy buttinski that way.
    Do you have anyone you can take with you to your doctor appointments? Not someone else in authority, like your parents, but a friend who will quietly back you up and nudge you when you want to be submissive? I’ve found that having my husband attend doctor appointments with me is a huge help. I’ll say things with him there to back me up that I won’t say otherwise.
    This doctor needs to hear what you have to say. He needs to know how much damage he did to you just by not giving you a proper warning about a medication. You know if he treats you like this, he’s treating other patients like that to. You deserve to be able to have your say. And taking someone with you as a witness means he can’t do anything nasty if that’s his way (like try to make out your a danger or something and try to commit you).
    My other question is if you have a good shrink (not meds doctor) that you trust and have a rapport with. I really think you need someone to help you process all that’s happened in the last couple of weeks and help you break out of the OCD issues you’re having right now. These things aren’t unusual when a person is grieving, but you don’t want them to get ingrained. A good shrink can help a lot with that if you don’t have one already (sorry, I haven’t been reading your blog that long, so I don’t know about your history).

  5. Well, I could have written all this myself, so I will just send you hugs and let you know I’m thinking about you. xoxo

  6. I’m living with Paxil as my little pink friend. And my doctor did tell me of a few of the side-effects. But you need to listen to YOU and YOU are telling yourself to stand UP and be heard. YOU are the one in control. Remember this. And tell him that you are SO NOT COOL with what transpired last time due to HIS negligence. Seriously. Or something kinda like that anyway…

  7. I agree with Julia. A doctor is just like any other business that you go to, if you don’t like your experience there, you should go somewhere else.
    I am the same way as you, I can get so mad about something, but when it comes time to confront someone about I become overly polite. Talk to your therapist or another doctor you trust to recommend a better meds doc for you.
    I don’t recommend skipping doctors appointments, but if you don’t trust this person, and you can wait a few weeks to find someone better… then call and tell the medical assistant that you don’t trust the doctor because he didn’t warn you about the side effects and you will be going somewhere else. That way you don’t have to worry about caving at the thought of confrontation.
    If you do go, I’d be very careful about any new meds, also double-check with your pharmacist on anything. Pharmacists often can give you better advice on your medication side-effects and interactions that your doctor.

  8. Great suggestions from very bright, loving people. My mom, who had tons of medical issues, definitely used the (1) write questions and statements down and (2) take a friend with you. Both helped to give her confidence and support in her struggles. She also talked with many docs over the years, dropping one for another when she didn’t feel safe and respected.

  9. You don’t deserve to feel like that. No one does. You’re right, you can’t get that week back but you can help someone else from losing a week of their lives. Great suggestions above about writing everything down you want to say/ask and bringing a ‘wingman’ with you.
    Oh, and for the boy who hasn’t called yet: what in the name of all that is holy are you doing NOT calling? Don’t you know that not calling is RUDE and Miss Banshee is a LADY.
    And: {{{{{hugs}}}}}

  10. First let me say, I’m sorry that the past couple of weeks have been particularly tough for you. Kudos to you, for taking the time to process it all. I find mindless housework enables my mind to process tragedy in a somewhat non-threatening manner; even if it looks obsessive to an outsider. It can be helpful, so don’t beat yourself up over it. Finding some semblance of control is completely normal, in the midst of heartbreak. Its our brains way of coping. Secondly, I say yes to what so many of your supporters are saying. Speak, write, take an advocate; but do what it takes to communicate your needs. Does your doc truly understand what he/ she’s put you through? If not, make sure they know. If they do know but are not helping, move on.

  11. I used to work for a group of doctors. You learn something… they put their pants on one leg at a time too!! Dr.s are not authority figures, they are caregivers! Not sure if it will help, but think of him like your employee (because, basically that is the case). You employ him (at ridiculous rates no less!) to perform a service for you. If he was not careful in performing that service, you should let him know, so hopefully it won’t happen again. You don’t have to be all badass about it or anything, just politely tell him what happened and you would appreciate it if he made you more informed in the future. Or write it down and just give it to him, if that is easier for you. Best of luck, I hope it goes well for you!

  12. I have the same blind respect for authority that you do. However, I have found that there are ways to get your point across without inducing that submissive behavior. If you present your issue as a plea for help, it seems less confrontational both to you and the other person. For example, saying “I tried that medication you suggested and I had horrible side effects. I am going through a rough time right now so I really need to know if any new meds can potentially have those types of effects on me.” This way, you do not come off feeling like a bitch but rather someone in need of assistance.

  13. I hope it went ok for you today. I do the same thing with higherups, inside I have balls of steel and ready to tell them off but on the outside I am a little meek mouse.

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