Serious Banshee is Serious (Not)

Monkey_Nerd_with_Glasses

Oh hello, world!

The World: Please, Jebuddah, don't let this be about cats or beeping. We're so tired.

Me: This is about cats and beeping.

The World: Have a nice day! *flees*

Me: Hello?

The World: …

Me: You're still there, aren't you. AREN'T YOU? I see your feet sticking out from behind the drapes.

The World: Fine. But…We're so bored. 

Me: YOU'RE bored? What about me? *I* was supposed to have another date with date boy this weekend. But OH NO, it's been ELEVEN DAYS and he hasn't called. So APPARENTLY that great date? Wasn't so great.

The World: And now this is the part where she blames herself.

Me: Nope, not this time. I was a perfect lady, I was funny and engaging, he even said my eyes were "amazing." It was a fantastic date. He just…never called. 

The World: Well, that doesn't make sense.

Me: It does to me. He probably found this damn blog and fled. 

The World: You ARE pretty crazy. He probably didn't want to be scoured and cleaned. You…You haven't installed a "Silkwood" shower, have you?

Me: Not yet. But I've ordered some catalogs. 

The World: No, we have no idea as to why he never called. None whatsoever. Freak. 

Me: I KNOW, RIGHT? So since that's not happening, much to my dismay, we're going to talk about cats and beeping.

The World: Again?

Me: Well the beeping? Is still there. It's been three days. Three days of beeping. I left ANOTHER message for the super this morning at exactly 9 am, and said that I was going absolutely fried banana chips crazy.

The World: Not that far of a fall, dear.

Me: I'll ignore that remark. So I left a vair dramatic message saying that the beeping is like Poe's "The Telltale Heart" and that I'll confess, I'll confess to anything if he just makes the beeping stop. Waterboarding isn't as torturous as this. Chinese water torture, anything but the beeping. 

The World: Okay, we get it. Might as well fill us in on the cat front as well, since we're talking about things we, the world, don't give a rat's ass about. Hurry up, we're passing out from not caring very much. 

Me: Oh! Cat news is wonderful news! Lulu's second FELV test and her full bloodwork came back completely and totally normal. Fatty doesn't even have signs of diabetes, which I was certain she would. So we just have to keep her on the diet wet food, which she yowls for in the most DRAMATIC way…

The World: I wonder where she gets THAT from. 

Me: I'm sure I have no idea. Anyway, we are fit as fiddles in the cat department, and free to adopt kittens!

The World: Kittens? As in…plural? Have you gone completely bonkers?

Me: I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to be the crazy cat lady. I can't even get a second date. 

The World: You know, he could have a very legitimate excuse. Don't give up.

Me: I shan't, but I'm not taking my phone with me everywhere I go either. A happy medium. That's what I'm going to attempt. 

The World: You've never done a "happy medium" thing in your entire bipolar life, freakshow. 

Me: WELL MAYBE I'LL START.

The World: By adopting more than one kitten?

Me: If my apartment complex allows it, sure, why not? That way they can play together and not bother Lulu. We must think of the queen in all of this, she simply will not tolerate kitten play. Two is better than one. If we're allowed. 

The World: You best find that out. 

Me: I will. WHEN THEY COME TO STOP THE BEEPING.

The World: And now we're back to the beeping. 

Me: Nope, we're done. This has been a very serious blog about very serious subjects.

The World: Oh, yeah, definitely. You've incorporated Poe's masterwork into a story about a beeping smoke detector, you've grumped about a boy not calling and you want to start collecting cats. Very serious subjects.

Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?

The World: Are we done here? Please?

Me: Carry on. I have to organize my silverware drawer.

The World: Again?

Me: Shut up. 

 


Comments

Serious Banshee is Serious (Not) — 15 Comments

  1. Tell them (the apt people I mean) that you checked with the City and that they are in violation of Code (insert fancy number here) by not provided and/or repairing and/or maintaining essential fire and smoke detection and warning systems.

  2. After my 19 year old cat passed away last year I elected to get 2 kittens rather than 1. You’re right, they do amuse themselves (and you) and the old cat in the house was left alone to nap all day, just how he likes it. I fear if I’d only gotten the one, he would have been driven bonkers and possibly eaten the kitten to make it stop. I got a brother and sister from the same litter, and they are super super awesome.

  3. I have 3cats and 3 dogs, I bought this house because it has 3000 feet of fence in back for dogs, figured since 2 dogs are old the yard would be great for their golden years as they are old. No, you aren’t pet crazy alone, there are millions of us

  4. No, no crazy cat lady there. Just a mama concerned about the queen. And yeah, they do amuse themselves. I got two from the same litter and never worried about them for a second with being bored or annoying the grand dame of the house.
    Date Boy…doesn’t make any sense. Boys don’t make sense at the best of times but now? I…don’t get it.
    Seriously? 3 days and they haven’t bothered to fix the smoke detector? In the locked basement? That you can’t get to? Maybe withholding rent would light a fire under their asses. I’m just speaking metaphorically. Maybe.

  5. I am clapping for you for NOT calling Date Boy. Date Boy is a grownup and grownups use the phone. If he wants another date with a vair polite ladylike individual, he will do so.
    If not, he will get stabbed by your Internet minions. It’s like voodoo, only better.

  6. two sounds perfect… i just brought home (rather than brought, found on the street) my first kitten but i’m sure she would have loved the company
    why don’t you text date boy… it’s not as embarrasing as calling, and you can be totally cool and stuff

  7. At least you got a date. Every time I think a girl is flirting with me, the next time I see her she acts completely indifferent. Oh, and the girl that doesn’t act indifferent is engaged to someone else. (not that I’m in a hurry to get married again. Not sure if that’s my forte in life.)

  8. Gah!!! Alarms! I am the unhelpful friend that suggest you take it out with a hammer. This is obviously not a good idea.
    As for the kittens idea, as long as you think Lulu will be cool with it, I say, “Yay!”
    Please please please go to petfinder.org. They have good folks with detailed info about the pets. You may have used this service before. I used this service to find out beloved puppy. We found our beloved Allie at Green Brook Animal Rescue via petfinder, and believe me, those folks are champs!! Good luck, and God bless. I am sure Ms. Lulu will have copious amounts to blog about if young ones are brought in.

  9. My preference has always been for male littermates when I’m getting new cats. They entertain each other, and if you can’t be with them all the time, they don’t mind so much. Getting a single kitten would probably annoy poor Lulu to death. I’ve found female adults are less likely to bond with a new cat than neutered males are (hence my preference for males, in general).

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