Oh hello, world!
The World: Please, Jebuddah, don't let this be about cats or beeping. We're so tired.
Me: This is about cats and beeping.
The World: Have a nice day! *flees*
The World: …
Me: You're still there, aren't you. AREN'T YOU? I see your feet sticking out from behind the drapes.
The World: Fine. But…We're so bored.
Me: YOU'RE bored? What about me? *I* was supposed to have another date with date boy this weekend. But OH NO, it's been ELEVEN DAYS and he hasn't called. So APPARENTLY that great date? Wasn't so great.
The World: And now this is the part where she blames herself.
Me: Nope, not this time. I was a perfect lady, I was funny and engaging, he even said my eyes were "amazing." It was a fantastic date. He just…never called.
The World: Well, that doesn't make sense.
Me: It does to me. He probably found this damn blog and fled.
The World: You ARE pretty crazy. He probably didn't want to be scoured and cleaned. You…You haven't installed a "Silkwood" shower, have you?
Me: Not yet. But I've ordered some catalogs.
The World: No, we have no idea as to why he never called. None whatsoever. Freak.
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT? So since that's not happening, much to my dismay, we're going to talk about cats and beeping.
The World: Again?
Me: Well the beeping? Is still there. It's been three days. Three days of beeping. I left ANOTHER message for the super this morning at exactly 9 am, and said that I was going absolutely fried banana chips crazy.
The World: Not that far of a fall, dear.
Me: I'll ignore that remark. So I left a vair dramatic message saying that the beeping is like Poe's "The Telltale Heart" and that I'll confess, I'll confess to anything if he just makes the beeping stop. Waterboarding isn't as torturous as this. Chinese water torture, anything but the beeping.
The World: Okay, we get it. Might as well fill us in on the cat front as well, since we're talking about things we, the world, don't give a rat's ass about. Hurry up, we're passing out from not caring very much.
Me: Oh! Cat news is wonderful news! Lulu's second FELV test and her full bloodwork came back completely and totally normal. Fatty doesn't even have signs of diabetes, which I was certain she would. So we just have to keep her on the diet wet food, which she yowls for in the most DRAMATIC way…
The World: I wonder where she gets THAT from.
Me: I'm sure I have no idea. Anyway, we are fit as fiddles in the cat department, and free to adopt kittens!
The World: Kittens? As in…plural? Have you gone completely bonkers?
Me: I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm going to be the crazy cat lady. I can't even get a second date.
The World: You know, he could have a very legitimate excuse. Don't give up.
Me: I shan't, but I'm not taking my phone with me everywhere I go either. A happy medium. That's what I'm going to attempt.
The World: You've never done a "happy medium" thing in your entire bipolar life, freakshow.
Me: WELL MAYBE I'LL START.
The World: By adopting more than one kitten?
Me: If my apartment complex allows it, sure, why not? That way they can play together and not bother Lulu. We must think of the queen in all of this, she simply will not tolerate kitten play. Two is better than one. If we're allowed.
The World: You best find that out.
Me: I will. WHEN THEY COME TO STOP THE BEEPING.
The World: And now we're back to the beeping.
Me: Nope, we're done. This has been a very serious blog about very serious subjects.
The World: Oh, yeah, definitely. You've incorporated Poe's masterwork into a story about a beeping smoke detector, you've grumped about a boy not calling and you want to start collecting cats. Very serious subjects.
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?
The World: Are we done here? Please?
Me: Carry on. I have to organize my silverware drawer.
The World: Again?
Me: Shut up.