Lulu Sets The Record Straight

Lulu 007
Dear Diary:

I write to you today from a clandestine location, so the human biped food slave does not realize that I am constantly using her computer while she sleeps. Idiot food slave.

Well well well, where to start? OH I KNOW. Let's start with the biped having what she thought was a heart to heart talk with Stewart last night, but I don't understand. My brother has ceased to be. He is an ex-cat. Choir invisible and all that. So watching her aimlessly stare at the ceiling and talk to him? Heh. Oh it is to laugh, can you not see? Heh. 

Everyone knows that the only being on this planet that has any contact with the magical great beyond for cats, it's ANOTHER CAT, so yes, I chat with the Stew from time to time, I mean, can I explain in adequate detail how boring this place is with just me and the food slave? SO BORING. Zzzzzzzzzz. OH LOOK, it was so boring that I passed the hell out. 

HOWEVER. When I yowled and bitched and moaned about it being too boring around here, the LAST thing I expected was for the biped to agree with me and take it upon herself to find me MINIONS. Ah yes, minions for my own nefarious use. This could end up being grand. 

You have to understand, food slaves, I was firmly against the whole "let's get two kittens" idea, I disagreed wholeheartedly, but frankly, it IS a little boring around here. and let's face it, I am capable of eating those tiny little noise makers like so many TIC TACS, so I don't think there will be a problem with showing me the respect I deserve – NAY, INSIST UPON. Also, there will be a hazing period of an undetermined amount of time, during which they will be locked in another room, and I shall torment them from behind the door. Ha. I laugh. Ha. 

So the food slave was "talking to Stewart" about the new minions, and saying that she was so worried that she moved too fast, that he's been gone for less than a month, that it doesn't mean she loves him any less, that the lonely apartment just reminds her that he's gone, blah blah blah, you get the idea. So when I was ACTUALLY talking to Stewart, I said "Listen. She's getting me minions. You okay with that? Not that I care, of course." and he said…well, ugh. Let me transcribe for you. 

STEWIE HERE! Come from NARNIA, HI! Stewie having grand time here, don't you beans worry about a thing, and Stewie think that kittens AWESOME IDEA! Wish he was there to see them! More CATS around place! That BEST IDEA EVER. So Stewie say "Go forth with mah blessings! Yay kittens!!!!! Just don't let Lulu eat dem like tic tac. Dat would be bad." OKAY TIME FOR SUNBEAM NAP! BYE, BEANS! STEWIE LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

You get the idea. He was the one who convinced me that this was not going to be the end of the world, actually. I remembered how fun it was to boss HIM around, and fight fight fight, and lemme tell you, the food slave better keep them locked in the bedroom till I have my tantrum period, or I shall smash them like so many bugs. Then after my tantrum period I will start teaching them to OBEY ME in all things. Yes. This could prove to be quite, quite interesting. 

Lulu Von Cat


Lulu Sets The Record Straight — 3 Comments

  1. Lulu,you are one fierce bish!!!remember, when those babies come home mold them to do your bidding!!! They are just babies though so expect them to be a hot mess!! I have a favor to ask of you Godess Lulu, tell Stewie we said HI and I’m glad he us happy in Narnia eating olives and basking in sunbeams. I’m excited about little kitties!!

  2. Miss Lulu,
    I just wanted to pay homage to your greatness. I have been following your escapades against the biped food slaves. I look forward to your furtive updates each weekend. I am sure you will have those little kittens moulded to your magnificence In no time.
    Keep up the furtive

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