This is Unjust! This is Unfair! I Won’t Stand For It! I…Yes, Ma’am

Scene: The back courtyard. 

Our players: Miss Banshee, innocently smoking, Mystery Korean Woman, going to the dumpster.

Act 1, Scene 1. 

Miss Banshee is perched on the top step of her porch, smoking and playing with the hem of her sundress. Enter Mystery Korean Woman (MKW) 

Miss B: Hello there!

MKW: You SMOKE.

Miss B: Aw, yeah, you know I do. 

MKW: I clean up butts. Look! Butts on GROUND. You bad neighbor, clean up your mess!

Miss B: But…But those aren't mine.

MKW: YOU CLEAN UP BUTTS.

Miss B: But they're not mine, I didn't put them there!

MKW: WHO DID THEN?

Miss B: silently points upwards to second floor apartment.

MKW: (in hushed tone) Ohhhhhh. She drop butts on ground?

Miss B: (whispering) Look, they're not even my brand, see? (demonstrates that Marlboro Lights are not Pall Mall Lights, which is Miss Banshee's brand. The butts on the ground are Marlboro.)

MKW: She bad neighbor. I complain. Thought it was YOU! But we FRIENDS. Why you make mess if we are friends? 

Miss B: But I DIDN'T make the mess! Look, see? I have my little canister for used butts. I clean up! You have NO IDEA how neat and tidy I am, it's actually A PROBLEM FOR ME. I would never throw butts on the ground. I am not (indignant) a LITTERBUG. 

MKW: Oh good, I thought why my friend make mess? You should plant a GARDEN.

Miss B: That's a great idea (there is no way in hell I'm planting a garden) well…See you later! You'll have to come over when the kittens get here.

MKW: WAIT.

Miss B: What?

MKW: YOU CLEAN UP BUTTS.

Miss B: But they're not MINE, I thought I made that abundantly clear!

MKW: Doesn't matter. You pick up. 

Miss B: But…But…

MKW: CLEAN UP MESS. 

Miss B: (chagrined) Yes, ma'am. 

And that is how Miss Banshee spent a good ten minutes in the DIRT cleaning up cigarette butts that were not hers. Because she is a GOOD neighbor, and not a LITTERBUG, and also a little scared of the Mystery Korean Woman. And then she washed her hands forty million times, because can you imagine the germs? And then she might have vacuumed, just for the hell of it, because she's crazy. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand SCENE!


Comments

This is Unjust! This is Unfair! I Won’t Stand For It! I…Yes, Ma’am — 7 Comments

  1. As someone who is also filled with rage at the sight of cigarette butts on the ground, I kind of love Mystery Korean Woman.
    I’d totally leave an anonymous note on your neighbor’s door. “If you smoke outside, please take your cigarette butts with you when you leave.” Something like that. I doubt it’d do much, but it might shame her into cleaning up after herself if she knows she’s been outed as the LITTERBUG.

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