Hello, human biped food slaves. It is I, Lulu, coming to you from a place of immense grouchiness, because if I hear one more thing about "babies" or "kittens" or "widdle tiny Kentucky boys" I will cough up a hairball, and we all know I am far too dignified for that.
So it seems we are to be inundated by my tiny minions on Saturday, and I have learned that one of the minions, Phineas, is only 2 pounds, and he's the larger one! Tobias is only 1.2 pounds, and that, bipeds, is ridiculous. I cannot fight something so small. Perhaps I will just sit on them. Yes. I will sit upon their little undeveloped brains and make them niiiiiiiiiiice and stupid, like my dearly departed brother. He knew his place on the food chain, and that place was always AFTER ME, so these minuscule fuzzballs will be even further down the food chain, putting them somewhere with slugs and the like.
The human female food slave thinks she is SO clever, sneaking around buying this and that, but I know, I KNOW when I go into the bedroom to sleep on the big bed that something is terribly awry. One of MY scratching posts is in there now, as is a basket with a pillow in it, and a little bed that my Rubenesque ass could never fit in. There are also TOYS (I don't abide toys) and another litter box and food bowls. Does she think I am DIM? I know they're coming. I hide my distaste by napping the day away, and screaming at the biped for food whenever it suits my fancy (and it often suits my fancy) but inside I am a writhing mess of emotion. Mostly fury.
I suppose since I was not CONSULTED in all of this that I have no say, even though I think that the last thing we need are kittens, however, they will grow up, and since they are both boys, they will obviously wait on me hand and paw, as well they should.
Not much else to report on the home front, it's been vair boring around here, so who knows, maybe a little kitten chaos is exactly what we need.
But don't expect me to be excited about it or anything.
Writing to you for the last time as the only cat in the house, but ALWAYS as the Cat Number 1 always and forever, and don't you forget it,