Lulu Is Pissed, Y’all


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Hello, human biped food slaves. It is I, Lulu, here to tell you what is the real deal around here. What we have is a virtual infestation. An infestation of kittens. Everywhere I step, there is a kitten. Kittens on bookshelves. Kittens on floors. Kittens on beds. Kittens getting attention from a steady string of biped visitors who coo and squeal over them. Nothing but kittens as far as the eye can see. If I am trying to eat, there is a kitten trying to steal my oceanfish pate. If I am trying to sleep, there is a kitten patting me with its stupid little paw. If I am trying to have a proper snuggle with MY biped food slave, there are kittens INVADING MY SPACE. 

Oh, I don't stand for it, I assure you. I do not stand for it, I tell you. I hiss, and I swat, and growl menacingly when they get too close, but does that deter them? Of course not. Because their tiny little kitten brains are so stupidly underdeveloped that they cannot understand that ACTIONS such as going after my tuna and whitefish pate dinner has a CONSEQUENCE, namely getting their ears boxed or biffed across their simpering, squeaky little mouths. 

It is entirely too much for one cat of my caliber to bear, I tell you. It is madness, madness all around me, and when they are not…poking at me, AT MEEEEEEEEE!!!! They are running to and fro back and forth all over the apartment, squeaking and squealing and fighting each other like a stupid furry tumbleweed that just careens across the carpet, and then they pass out on top of each other and the idiot biped food slave takes seventy thousand pictures of them sleeping sprawled out on one another without a care in the world about their rapidly declining dignity, which was questionable to begin with. It is nauseating, I tell you, even to someone like me, who is far too distinguished and well read to be actively sick over anything. 

And the biped has become insufferable. Sure she spends a lot of what she calls "quality time" with me, because she feels GUILTY, as well she should, and tells me how beautiful I am (all true) and how much she loves me (I don't care, it puts the tuna and whitefish pate in the bowl or it gets the hose again) and I allow her a small snuggle and head scritch from time to time, but that is only out of the PURE GOODNESS OF MY HEART, and certainly not something she has done anything to deserve. 

So that is the state of affairs in my home as of now Can you imagine the torment? I hope that wherever my dearly departed brother is on the other side in Narnia, he knows that this is all his fault, and will stop laughing, because you KNOW that bastard is laughing all over the place. it's sick, it's wrong, and it is unjust. 

In fact, I'm sure you did not even come to the blog today to read what I, Lulu, have to say. You were probably looking for kitten pictures. Will you biped food slaves never learn?

The especially tiny one is chewing on the corner of the pictureframe that encloses the photograph of our Stewart. If you'll excuse me,  I think I will go pick my teeth with his bones.

I hate kittens. 

Lulu von Catt



Comments

Lulu Is Pissed, Y’all — 6 Comments

  1. Train them to become your footstools Mistress Lulu!! You can mold them to do whatever you want !! They are but mere pawns in your game so checkmate!!! Train them girl, train them!!

  2. If I can say anything, you are bearing this all quite well. At some point, their tiny little kitten brains WILL develop. They will understand. You will make them understand & they will be eternally grateful for the lessons you have taught. Lulu…you are A TRUE LADY. Grace under pressure!

  3. Hey, I tried to interest you in the feather toy, and you ROLLED YOUR EYES AT ME. Don’t lie, I saw it.
    Please don’t hurt me. ALL HAIL QUEEN LULU.

  4. Dear Lulu,
    You’re right. I suggest you contact the Dr Phil show, as the conditions you’re currently living in are completely unacceptable. He will understand that you’re not being treated with the proper respect and dignity that you deserve, and call the human food slave to task. He will probably reprimand the kittens too.
    Also, I adore you in all your haughtiness.

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