Cue The Chorus To “Paranoid”

Yep, I'm paranoid again. It's awesome, lemme tell you. I am currently so terrified of everything I say, could possibly say, think, might think, etc. etc. etc. It's crippling, and annoying, and I spend all my time in a constant state of fear and shame, for, wait for it, NO REASON. 

This happens more often than I'd care to admit, and no medication seems to touch it, other than ones that knock me out completely or make me insanely loopy (See: The Zyprexa nightmare) and I try everything to calm myself down, all the coping skills I've learned, all the lessons from the bin, everything. It is, unfortunately, something I just have to ride out. It'll pass, it always does, but for now I'm in the thick of it, and it's eating me alive.

I have so much to be grateful for, and frankly, being so locked in my head the way I am now makes me sick to my stomach. I make lists of things that I'm lucky enough to have. I text Mr. Monkeypants and he always makes me smile. I watch the kittens beat the everloving snot out of each other in a completely adorable way ALL DAY LONG, AMG, I have my health (sort of,) I have the Super Sekrit Project, I have my family and friends, I should quit my bitching and be thankful for what I have and effing throw flower petals over wherever I go, but that's not reality. Here's my reality. 

"Everyone hates you. You're a bad person. You don't deserve to be happy, because you're a bad person. Nothing but doom will follow you. You only lived through the coma because there's an entity in the sky somewhere that decided you didn't suffer enough yet in life. You're a burden. You are despicable. You're selfish and immature and you don't deserve happiness. Every good thing that happens to you will be revisited on you in horrible, unspeakable things tenfold, because you deserve it. Every glimmer of hope will be dashed. You can't be happy. It's just not allowed. You are a bad person who deserves to be punished."

Sounds incredibly self-centered, doesn't it. Don't worry, I'm fully aware of that and I agonize over that too. It seems like no matter what I do, or try to do, it comes back at me in a negative way. So when loved ones (deities bless Snarky Amber, Laroux and ElleVee for constantly telling me all this stuff is bullshit) tell me that I'm nothing but a self-fulfilling prophecy, that if I expect bad things to happen, they will, I SEE that as PERFECTLY LOGICAL but I can't make my idiot brain wrap around it. 

This will pass. That's what I have to keep saying to myself. I'm being illogical and my damaged brain chemistry is fucking with me and it will pass. 

It's been a damn hard week, that's the point of this overly long and whiny post is that I'm having a really hard time right now. Thanks for reading, and if you haven't gotten this far, hell, I don't blame you. I appreciate all y'all so much. 

Less depressing stuff soon, promise. This will pass. It has to. 


Comments

Cue The Chorus To “Paranoid” — 28 Comments

  1. this too shall pass….
    you’re loved and you’ve got a great support system…. you’re a wonderful person and you’ve gone through really hard times…
    at least you can see past the shadows and see all of these things, and that’s is super important

  2. I don’t know if everyone goes through that, but I know I do from time to time. I think it’s one of the reasons I like reading you so much; I don’t feel as alone in my crazy moments knowing someone as creative and talented as you deals with this shit sometimes too.
    Hang in there. It WILL pass.
    Feel it, learn from it, move on.

  3. I just found you recently through your Dancing with the Stars recaps at MamaPop and I love reading your posts. You are not bad – you are a warm, funny person and I will continue reading you whether you are paranoid or not. Just because I love your kittens … and I want to know what the Super Sekrit project is. Thanks for making my day a little brighter every time I read your blog.

  4. You are an awesome person so try to let Snarky Amber,ElleVee and Laroux be the louder voices. I can’t pretend to understand what you are going through but it makes me sad for you that your fucked up brain chemistry makes you feel this way.

  5. *long distance hugs*
    I know you know that your brain is telling you things that are not true. Mine does sometimes too, and I know that no matter how certain you are of the actual truth, when your brain goes wonky like this, there’s no logic that will fix the problem.
    Ride it out as best you can. Distract yourself if you can. When it passes we will still be here.
    Heck, I got a twitter account just because of you. πŸ™‚ I’m not going anywhere, and I know nobody else is either.

  6. Dear Miss Banshee– I can only suggest what works (sometimes) with my fibromyalgia pain: “This, too, will pass. This too will pass.” A mantra of hope for when you KNOW that you don’t deserve any. Hug your beautiful kittehs–THEY ALL love you and are excellent judges of character.
    Love from The Only Minx

  7. I just want to say…I know. I know about those destructive thought patterns, I know about *understanding* the logic of others, and I know about being unable to believe it yourself. To be unable to wrap your head and heart around THAT reality instead of the one you’re stuck in. I know all about it. In fact, I could have written this post. But also, I know about the good days, the days when you actually CAN leave the house, the days when you can appreciate the shape of the clouds or the stars at night, the days when your cats make you laugh with delight instead of desperation, the days when you can actually get OUT of your own head and look around you. And those days? Those are the ones we live for, the ones we grit our teeth and GET THROUGH these for. You are not alone, ever.

  8. Like others here, I have a form of this… if your version is a 9.5 out of 10, mine is a 3 or 4. When I need to, I remember that early 70s poster with the kitten hanging on, claws outstretched, trying not to let go of the little branch. I fill myself with that kitten-ness and ride it out. Sending hugs and whatever else you need to get through this.

  9. Ummm…hon….I’m you. I happened to meet a man who recognized my malfunction and rides it through…but I have no one else…if you have no one else to talk to I would love to talk. I’m not just whistling shit…did my time in the “safe house” and seeing someone else now. I’ve read all of your archives and hate to be crazy stalker woman but would like to get to know you.

  10. Banshee,
    I’m sending you some warm fuzzy happy thoughts of pretty kittens, virtual hugs and unicorns. Slightly prissy, but jolly good fun!

  11. Sorta like a marriage, ya take the good with the bad, in sickness and in health so I will be your faithful reader regardless . Everyone has hateful voices inside telling them bad thoughts so just know that . Your a rockstar girl!!! I hope the clouds leave soon and the sun shines on you!!

  12. I love you, and you know that, and everything you said IS false (except that me and your other friends will always be there to remind you how wonderful you are).
    And I’ve been in the same place recently, so I understand all too well.
    You are beautiful and talented and strong, and Phin and Toby love their mama, and Lulu loves you as well (DON’T TELL HER I TOLD YOU).

  13. Miss Banshee, I know too well how an unhealthy mind bends logic into popsicles. No matter how much your brain lies to you, I hope you can feel all the love and support on this page. We’re all here because you’ve opened your heart to us, and it’s beautiful.
    Peace and love

  14. Hey darlin’. Keep concentrating on the good stuff in your life; the boys, Lulu, Mr. Monkeypants, coming to Savannah in October. I know when the bad and the anxiety come drifting in its hard to concentrate on anything else but just keep telling yourself “this too shall pass.” Love ya!

  15. Just want you to know that you give me a great deal of happiness every day just being who you are. Those intrusive thoughts are just that — thoughts, from wacky brain chemistry — they are not you. I’ll be thinking of you,
    Bob

  16. You have my sympathies, Miss Banshee. I suffer from the same type of paranoia/doom feelings at times, and know how hard they can take you down. Luckily, mine do tend to respond to drugs, so I am able to cope most of the time. I hope the neurotransmitters start firing properly! *hugs*
    I will leave you with the very wise words of my former Novice Mistress, “Be gentle with yourself.”

  17. All I can say is–It’s not true. You don’t deserve it. I’m sorry you have to go through it.
    I do think you are amazing and brave. Members of my family suffer from very similar things. And they haven’t done what you have done. They still drink. They still sort of wallow in darkness. They can’t take care of kittehs. They are killing themselves with cigarettes and alcohol. They turn their rage outward.
    I love them. They don’t deserve it either. But they haven’t got quite as far as you. You have perspective. You don’t give into it, you don’t totally buy it. You feel it but you take a step back. You have a very life affirming aspect. I wish so much they could get where you are. I give you so much credit for getting there. You give me hope that more is possible.
    I go through this too. I can do things, most of the time. That’s a blessing.

  18. Well, the good thing is that you are completely normal. Maybe a little extreme but I think we all have those thoughts. I think when you go through something like a coma you do kinda feel singled out by a diety and you feel like it was a sort of punishment because, dammit, it feels that way ! And then you are terribly afraid that it will happen again because if you were you before you had the coma, you are still you and you can still be punished again! Believe me, it’s perfectly natural to feel that way. You are probably seriously suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. I had a lot of severe childhood abuse as well as a serious illness and I have felt feelings like that for so many times I can’t even count. Probably everyday. You just have to keep telling yourself you have as much of a right to be on this planet as everyone else and just continue to tell yourself that it is silly to think you are being punished. You might want to think of yourself as one of the lucky ones. As you mentioned you now realize how much you do have and how short life can be. It has opened your eyes to all that you were missing before. I hope you are feeling better. Remember, you deserve to be on this planet just as much as anyone else!

  19. Don’t get too proud of your ability to delienate what’s the matter with you, young lady. You’ll just keep chasing your own nose in faster and faster circles. Nobody but you can take responsibility for, or act on, what you think and believe. It’s not chemicals causing your thoughts.
    I’ve got women friends probably older than your ma STILL going through this. One keeps having secret fantasies of being tortured and that people want her dead. The other is dead certain the CIA is drilling holes in her basement. Yes they can hide it, and put on counterfeit personalities of aging Little-Miss-Perfects, which I wouldn’t be surprised to know you also were trained to be. The older they get, the more their strange little monsters pop out of their heads and into the scenery around them. Consider your own family history and what you’ve been taught about “how you are supposed to be.”
    Dig around. Do you find yourself acting like a perfectionist? (your writing says you do) Do you think there’s really no meaning to your existence? Those are a couple common causes of this out-of-control ego-go-round.
    Quit doing drugs of any kind if you can. When you feel yourself getting carried away about being “a bad person,” just concentrate on whatever’s in your environment. Touch things. Look at things. Listen to things. Don’t pretend to enjoy them or whatever, just focus on your physical senses awhile. Do that a lot.
    Don’t send your thoughts into little battles of warm and fuzzy happy versus bad little slut or whatever. Neither of those sides are realistic and neither will help. Accept however you feel unjudgmentally. Hang onto the furniture. Your thoughts will work themselves out if you finally learn how to leave them alone.
    Keep it simple and good luck. Modern psychiatry says there is no “cure” for paranoia, last I read, which was in 2006. They’ll doom you to pills, which killed my best pal, also diagnosed with “paranoia.” I say modern psychiatry has the highest suicide rate of any occupation and if they had any goddam sense they might face that, too.

  20. Sending good warm thoughts your way, and hoping that you’re able to start feeling the good around you soon. Was just saying to a friend last night what fun it is to have a brain that works against you but also the awareness, while you’re feeling whatever you’re feeling, that said feeling is a manifestation of your traitor brain. So you can simultaneously believe horrible crazy things about yourself whilst also condemning yourself for being crazy and thinking the horrible crazy things. (Though calling yourself crazy does nothing to make you believe the horrible things any less, oh, no.; it’s just like frosting on the cupcake.)
    At least you know enough to recognize and vocalize that there IS a different reality other than the one you’re experiencing right now. You just have to catch up to the good parts. And you will.
    Have you ever tried compazine? It’s rarely prescribed as an anti-psychotic med anymore, but when I took it for nausea I was suffused with such a sense of well-being that I considered staying nauseated for the rest of my life so I could keep taking it.

  21. Ugh, what you write about the inside of your head is horribly, horribly familiar. Nothing seems to make a difference (and I can recall feeling this way as far back as when I was seven), other than reminding myself, when I feel wretched, that I’m essentially having an emotional hallucination: What I’m feeling has no more basis in reality than if I were seeing/hearing things such as, I don’t know, a giant My Little Pony with Newt Gingrich astride it in drag, drinking baby oil out of a neti pot.
    But I can hide (no, wait, in a good way; it keeps me from focussing on the way I feel, and making it worse): I dig myself into books (detective fiction and humour from the first half of the 20th C.), and don’t emerge much, except to exercise (it bores me to death, but if I don’t exercise aggressively, I go to bits emotionally).

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