Yep, I'm paranoid again. It's awesome, lemme tell you. I am currently so terrified of everything I say, could possibly say, think, might think, etc. etc. etc. It's crippling, and annoying, and I spend all my time in a constant state of fear and shame, for, wait for it, NO REASON.
This happens more often than I'd care to admit, and no medication seems to touch it, other than ones that knock me out completely or make me insanely loopy (See: The Zyprexa nightmare) and I try everything to calm myself down, all the coping skills I've learned, all the lessons from the bin, everything. It is, unfortunately, something I just have to ride out. It'll pass, it always does, but for now I'm in the thick of it, and it's eating me alive.
I have so much to be grateful for, and frankly, being so locked in my head the way I am now makes me sick to my stomach. I make lists of things that I'm lucky enough to have. I text Mr. Monkeypants and he always makes me smile. I watch the kittens beat the everloving snot out of each other in a completely adorable way ALL DAY LONG, AMG, I have my health (sort of,) I have the Super Sekrit Project, I have my family and friends, I should quit my bitching and be thankful for what I have and effing throw flower petals over wherever I go, but that's not reality. Here's my reality.
"Everyone hates you. You're a bad person. You don't deserve to be happy, because you're a bad person. Nothing but doom will follow you. You only lived through the coma because there's an entity in the sky somewhere that decided you didn't suffer enough yet in life. You're a burden. You are despicable. You're selfish and immature and you don't deserve happiness. Every good thing that happens to you will be revisited on you in horrible, unspeakable things tenfold, because you deserve it. Every glimmer of hope will be dashed. You can't be happy. It's just not allowed. You are a bad person who deserves to be punished."
Sounds incredibly self-centered, doesn't it. Don't worry, I'm fully aware of that and I agonize over that too. It seems like no matter what I do, or try to do, it comes back at me in a negative way. So when loved ones (deities bless Snarky Amber, Laroux and ElleVee for constantly telling me all this stuff is bullshit) tell me that I'm nothing but a self-fulfilling prophecy, that if I expect bad things to happen, they will, I SEE that as PERFECTLY LOGICAL but I can't make my idiot brain wrap around it.
This will pass. That's what I have to keep saying to myself. I'm being illogical and my damaged brain chemistry is fucking with me and it will pass.
It's been a damn hard week, that's the point of this overly long and whiny post is that I'm having a really hard time right now. Thanks for reading, and if you haven't gotten this far, hell, I don't blame you. I appreciate all y'all so much.
Less depressing stuff soon, promise. This will pass. It has to.