Just Call Me Stumpy

Y'all? I have done a LOT of writing today, none of it for the blog. I FAIL. I am also wicked nervous about a meeting I cannot talk about which is occurring tomorrow. Dude, I am SORRY I have so many sekrits, but here's the deal. 

I COULD have some pretty big things happening in my life soon. OR it could end up being nothing. I, being a very paranoid and superstitious type, have opted not to talk about any of them, lest I end up looking the fool. Does that make sense? I KNOW it's wicked annoying that I hint around about stuff, and trust me, I'd LOVE to tell y'all everything, but I just can't. It'll be the final nail in my coffin of DOOM DOOM DOOM. 

So lemme tell you about a genius move I made today. I'm gonna need Common Sense for this one, hold on, she's watching "Hell's Kitchen." 

Common Sense: What. Do you want. 

Me: We need to talk about the drive to the meds doc today.

CS: OH THAT.

Me: And the dangers of caffeine. And downers. Together. 

CS: Yeah, that was a grand idea. 

Me: Well lemme explain. I was SUPER tired today, being that I still haven't really caught up on sleep from this weekend, and I was working since last night on my Bachelorette recap, which you can read by clicking on the picture below: 

CLICK ME FOR RECAPPY GOODNESS!!!!!

And so MAYBE I had some coffee. Three cups of coffee. Big cups. 

CS: You were VIBRATING.

Me: Yes I was. 

CS: And to counteract the shaking, what did you do?

Me: This is going to sound terrible.

CS: CONFESS.

Me: I took some Klonopin.

CS: THAT'S RIGHT, ladies and gentlemen, she mixed uppers and downers. WHAT A GRAND IDEA. 

Me: Listen, I had to drive all the way to the meds doc, and I can't do that if I'm shaking out of my skin. 

CS: You shouldn't have had that much coffee to begin with. 

Me: Bygones.

CS: AND?

Me: And I was good! I felt GREAT!

CS: Because you were full of DRUGS. You IDIOT. 

Me: All perfectly legal and prescribed. 

CS: Did you tell your meds doc about the combo of crazy?

Me: I most certainly did not. 

CS: Of course you didn't. Because you left me at HOME to babysit the cats. 

Me: OH. We also have to discuss the situation with Finn. 

CS: Your brain is whirling. Finish the meds story.

Me: So I drove to the meds doc all hopped up on uppers and downers and I shouldn't have, and nothing bad happened and I won't do it again, the end. 

CS: Moron.

Me: You think I'm not aware of my moron-osity?

CS: I wonder sometimes, I really do. 

Me: Okay, on to Finn. 

CS: You really need to make him stop doing this. 

Me: I CAN'T. My OVARIES are EXPLODING. Body says GIVE ME A BABY. Brain says ARE YOU INSANE? So I baby the cats. 

CS: Tell the nice people what Finn's been doing. 

Me: Ok. Um. Finn's been nursing. 

CS: On who?

Me: On me. 

CS: Where?

Me: On my upper lip. 

CS: And also?

Me: And also kneading my face like my lip is going to produce milk. LISTEN. I looked this up. It's because he was weaned too fast. He's INSECURE, just like his mama. I'm supposed to STOP HIM? He'll be damaged emotionally for LIFE.

CS: You need to make him stop. Gently discourage it. It's weird and a little gross. 

Me: I'll think about it.

CS: No you won't. 

Me: No, I really won't. 

CS: You are truly fried banana chips insane. 

Me: I am fully aware of this. 

CS: I'm tired.

Me: Me too. We've been writing all day and we have to get up super early tomorrow and go to the city. 

CS: And now we've said too much. 

Me: True. Read the Bachelorette recap, won't you? I worked awful hard on it. My fingers are stumps now. 

CS: End the blogging, Stumpy. 

Me: Bye! 


Comments

Just Call Me Stumpy — 4 Comments

  1. I also have a kitteh (OK, cat) that still nurses. I just trained her to nurse only on the crook of my arm. As she’s gotten older, she only does it when she’s frightened or needs comfort — i.e. after a thunderstorm. [Possibly my Common Sense has also been off watching inappropriate TV.]

  2. If it helps you to wean the cat, just remember this:
    1) Finn uses the litter box.
    2) After using said litter box, Finn licks his privates to clean them. And the soles of his nasty feet which tramped through the poo-ified litter box.
    3) Finn then nurses on your lip. Ergo, you’re making out with cat poo.
    I’m just saying. Give the cat a finger to suck on. Or find some other form of kitty pacifier. Just not your face. Eesh.
    I’ll be in the corner shuddering violently on your behalf.

  3. Hmmm…well, I wouldn’t be able to stop a cute tiny kitten like Finn either. It sounds way too cute. One of my cats will still do the kneading thing and I still melt every time.
    And I’m sending good vibes your way for your super secret stuff to turn into something super awesome!

  4. Hm, CindyW has a good point. Though I’m sure that you also enjoy this special time with the Finnster.
    And ditto on the good vibes/luck for your super sekrit stuff to turn into the super awesome stuff!

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