Yeah, That? Let’s Move On

Many of you know via Twitter or FB that Mr.M broke up with me last night. I'm not talking about it. So let's move on, shall we?

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Bestie Friends.  

Let's talk about my coffee table. I KNOW. FASCINATING. No no, this is funny. Okay. I'd take a picture of the coffee table, but it's shamefully covered in Monster LoCarb energy drink cans and other ridic sundries, plus there is an orange kitten sleeping on my boobs, so imagine a coffee table with RAZOR SHARP EDGES. I am not even joking. Common Sense, you wanna weigh in on this one?

Common Sense: You're the biggest klutz ever. 

Me: That's just unkind. 

CS: HOW MANY wounds did you inflict on yourself last night?

Me: Um.

CS: DEAD SOBER, I might add. 

Me: Um.

CS: Spill it, Graceful. 

Me: Threeeeeeeeeeeee?

CS: Three. Three gashes in your leg from the coffee table edges last night from stumbling about like a crazy person, WHICH YOU ARE, when you could have easily stayed on the Fainting Couch. 

Me: I had to get more Monsters. 

CS: Yes, because getting NO SLEEP is exactly what you needed last night. 

Me: Not talking about it. Plus, this coffee table has HISTORY. I'm not getting rid of it. 

CS: Then you need to get in on this World Cup situation and get yourself some freaking shin guards. 

Me: You're hilarious.

CS: I know. Have you mentioned that your left knee is permanently bruised? 

Me: The public didn't need to know that.

CS: You need a nap. All three cats are sleeping. THIS IS YOUR CHANCE. 

Me: I'll sleep on the fainting couch. 

CS: You'll ROLL OFF OF the fainting couch, hit your head on the razor sharp coffee table, and be all kinds of dead. GO TO THE BED.

Me: Going.

CS: Thank Jebuddah. 


Comments

Yeah, That? Let’s Move On — 8 Comments

  1. I know you’re not talking about it but just wanted to say that I’m so sorry. And he’s a rat bastard. Also: coffee tables today are the lead paint of the 1970s – 30 years (or more) from now, archeaologists will discover these monstrosities tossed en masse in dumps world wide and come to the (very) logical question of: why would anyone think it a good idea to put a table of questionable height in the middle of a walking area? What exactly did they expect to happen?

  2. ‘rat bastard’ is right. mr. m. can get stuffed – oh so very clearly not worthy of even a hair on your head.
    but we’re not talking about it. 🙂

  3. So sorry about the Mr. M situation. I know you’re not talking about it, but I sure hope he didn’t say anything horrid.
    Really, it’s his loss.
    Regarding the table if it has sentimental value perhaps it could be placed somewhere else, somewhere safer and out of the way? And you could get a nice, round or padded table to use near the fainting couch?

  4. Was going to suggest that the coffee table w/RAZOR SHARP EDGES needs to come into contact w/Mr. M’s head, but obviously he’s already suffered some sort of blow to the head if he’s flaked out. Sometimes boys just suck…(and my husband wonders why I love my cats so much!)

  5. Blue Monster: approved. If you’re drinking several cans at a session, you might give RockStar low carb (blue can) a try. It’s got about 50mg more caffeine, and tends to be the same price.

  6. Have you thought about the bumpers that you’re supposed to put on your coffee table for baby proofing? Of course we used them and my oldest managed to bang and gash herself on the side of table, but you’re taller so it might work.
    Mr.M has clearly already whacked his head on some coffee tables.

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