An Actual Occurrence: All I Wanted Was A Pan

WARNING: This story involves bodily fluids. 

So my darling girls were in for my birthday, and decided to make me a lasagna, so I could eat for a week. Best birthday present ever, right??? But when we went to the store, we forgot a pan. So as the ladies cooked, I went to the fancy grocery store to get a lasagna pan. 

This was my first mistake. 

I should have stayed home. Or not had a birthday. Or never been born. Anything but going to the grocery store that evening. I should have known that something horrible was going to happen, I mean, it was my birthday, my girls were over, we were having a wonderful time, I was getting hooked on the show "True Blood," everything was dandy. Of course something was going to go horribly wrong. 

I grabbed the pan and went to the express line. 

Behind me, there was a child, with whom I assume to be his mother, as he kept saying "Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?" etc. The mother, who was on the cellphone ear thingie that looks like a cockroach ON YOUR FACE was ignoring the boy. 


I like kids. I LOVE kids. I might not HAVE kids, but that doesn't mean I'm a baby-hater. It just means I don't have kids. But that's a huge topic for another day. The point is, that, despite the remainder of this story, please keep in mind that I love kids. 

Okay. Deep breath. I swear, this shit only happens to me. 

Okay. So I'm waiting in line, and the kid continues. "Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom? Mom?" JUST AS I'm about to say "What is it, kid, what can I help you with as we stand on this line today?" I mean, RIGHT AS I TURNED TO SAY THIS, it happened. 

The kid opened his mouth as I turned. 

And barfed on me. 

I never should have been born. 

So now, covered in puke, I look gravely at the mother, (still on the phone) as if to say "What are you gonna do, right?" and she (still on the phone) said "Oh no, sorry." and continued with her conversation. 


What WAS she gonna do, right? I mean, the puke was done. There was no going back. What was the woman going to do, offer me money? (That would have been nice,) but come on. I mean, that's an awkward ass conversation to have. "Ooh, was that MY kid that just puked on you? My bad." So when she didn't really…DO anything, I wasn't that surprised. 

I paid for my pan, gathered my long, black, perfectly awesome, perfectly ruined black skirt in one hand to hide the yak, and ran out of the store, flung myself in the car, and smoked all the way home to mask the smell. 

I ran into the house, screaming "Avert your eyes! AND YOUR NOSE!!!!!!" as I slammed the door shut and got changed, threw the clothes into a garbage bag, cleaned up, and returned to the kitchen. 

But I got my lasagna that night. 

And it was good.

RIP, beautiful black skirt. 

And happy birthday to ME. 


An Actual Occurrence: All I Wanted Was A Pan — 18 Comments

  1. As a mom, I would have done the following different: 1) answered my damn kid. I decided to have kids, therefore, I am responsible for the woe they inflict on others, and 2) I would offered to help clean the skirt (not sure how that would have worked, but at least bought you a role of paper towels at the store?) or given you money for dry cleaning or something. While saying something like, “HA HA, oh, that’s gonna leave a mark.”
    Then I would have said to the phone “GOTTA GO BODILY FLUID ALERT” and freaked the freak out that my kid just threw up.

  2. Really? That REALLY happened? Sweet baby Jesus, you need to be sainted or something for not loosing your shit (or your own lunch).
    As a mom, I would most certainly apologize way more profusely than that. I would have offered to pay for dry cleaning and/or a replacement skirt. I would have been quite obviously dead from embarrassment.

  3. wait… she stayed on the phone? Like stayed in her other conversation even though 1) her kid just puked and 2) it was all over Banshee.
    “Oh, was that Timmy. Eh… So anyways…”
    WIN to the NER right there.
    I’m sorry you got puke on your black skirt.
    I’m glad you got Lasagna.
    (seriously, that mom better have been like saving the world with that phone call… no matter what Maybell and Jethro did last weekend, it’s not more important or interesting than your kid barfing on someone! *AAARRRGGGHHH*)

  4. Well, I yanked my kid out of stores and out of restaurants on a regular basis when they were that age – never in advance of puking, but in advance of or in the middle of fits of various sorts…what I learned early about parenting was, Pay Attention Because If You Don’t Something Bad Will Happen And It Will Be Your Own Silly Fault.
    I would say I envy her her aplomb, but I really don’t. I am embarrassed for her, for her lack of common sense, empathy, and parenting skills.

  5. While I have been known to hold up my index finger to a “Mommommommom” yammering child in the universal “Wait until I’m finished” signal, I can’t even imagine nonchalantly ignoring (1) my puking child and (2) an innocent stranger covered in my child’s regurgitation!!! WTFFFFF???
    From a parent’s point of view? My first thought would be “OMG! My child just projectile vomited on someone? Is he/she okay? Is the stranger okay?” Once I ascertained that my child was not puking up blood or something, I would immediately grovel at said stranger’s feet!
    Why DOES this stuff happen to you, really?

  6. Holy shit…it’s possible to be THAT uneffected? Seriously, my kid’s puke makes ME want to barf. I can only imagine what it would do to someone else!
    I would have been graveling at your feet. Offering to replace your skirt, pay for your pan, WHATEVER I could do to make you all better (perhaps you need some Pepto now ma’am? God knows I do!). I would also have been concerned about my child…once they’re out of babyhood, spontaneous puking isn’t so much the norm anymore! And WHO CARES who’s on the phone! “Hell, I don’t know, cut the blue wire! I gotta go, my kid’s projectile vomiting”. All of this AFTER I died from the embarassment of it all of course.
    Geez…some people.

  7. Ignoring my kid while on the phone? Yes I do that otherwise it’s not possible to ever talk on the phone.
    Not hanging up immediately and falling into the floor with embarrassment and apologizing profusely as I hustle my kid off to finish puking somewhere else while tossing you some cash to pay for your pan? Yeah no, not well played by that mom.

  8. EEww thats gross and its amazing how parents will just ignore, or not really care, about their kid doing stuff like barfing on somebody or something in a nice theatre leaving their rainbow sugary smelling puke all over my nice marble floor (but i am going on a tangent). If I had been that mother I would have apologized profusely, given you some money for dry cleaning or to replace the skirt, and taken my kid to the doctor’s ASAP.
    But I’m glad you got lasagna and had an other wise good birthday.

  9. dude… DUDE!!! FUCKED UP!!! had it been me who had been puked on by someone else’s kid and she remained on the cockroach phone, i would’ve taken said black skirt that held said vomit, interrupted her fucking phone call by telling her, “ahem, i believe this belongs TO YOU,” and then poured the contents of said black skirt on her feet.
    clean up in aisle 4.

  10. My goodness! If that were my child who had puked on you, I would have asked for your number so I could somehow reimburse you for your skirt…and take you out for coffee or something! What a terrible woman!

  11. Man, I would have kicked that woman’s ass. I mean, your fine skirt aside (which manners would have dictated she at LEAST apologize for), she ignored her puking child for a phone call. I would have taken her phone and ripped her a new one.
    Of course, as a mom, I have this brazen jerkiness that the childless may not feel comfortable adopting, but I have no problem doing it. Poor kid.

  12. Hi Kat- =)
    I’m one of the few childless that would have no problem exercising any kind of brazen jerkiness toward said mom.
    She would have been so on the hook for the cost of a new skirt/cleaning costs, Pepto for my subsequent puking in reponse to her kid’s, and a new cell phone after I destroyed hers.
    One of the many reasons why I don’t have kids is their sudden and unexpected rush of bodily fluids at the worst possible/place time…one of many, many reasons. Don’t H8! 😉

  13. So… um… were you at Stop and Shop? Because then I could totally understand because it was probably one of THOSE Madison moms. (because I know all about them). OR if it was Kings… um… it was KINGS and it was one of THOSE moms.
    And… I’m REALLY glad it wasn’t one of my kids barfing on you. But… if it was… I totally would have offered to pay to have your skirt cleaned. Totally.

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