BECAUSE IT IS FROM ME, LULU, ASSHOLES!!! HAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!
I suppose you thought I had run away or something, yes? Nonsense. I have been ELUSIVE. Like a NINJA. And sulky. I have been in a delicious sulk for many months now. Ever since the children came home. Those stupid kittens have wreaked havoc on my household for MONTHS now, and so I wither away and sulk.
No, really. I sit on the big chair and sulk. All the days and into the nights. That's why I haven't been writing. When Stewart was here, as much as I barely tolerated him, we INTERACTED. These moronic furballs? I want nothing to do with them.
Me: That's a lie.
Lulu: SILENCE, HUMAN BIPED FOOD SLAVE.
Me: I saw what you did.
Lulu: I did nothing.
Me: Before. With Finn.
Me: You forget already? Your memory's going, old lady.
Lulu: I AM NOT OLD. I am in my PRIME.
Me: I'll remind you what happened. Ten minutes ago.
Lulu: I despise you.
Me: I know. So you were sitting on Finn.
Lulu: Yes. He is small and stupid. Also soft. I sit on him often.
Me: And you were chewing on his head.
Lulu: Also not uncommon.
Me: THEN IT HAPPENED.
Lulu: Nothing happened.
Me: YOU LICKED HIS EARS.
Lulu: Queen of LIES.
Me: You were covering him with SWEET KISSES.
Lulu: Shut your filthy noise-hole.
Me: You looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove Finny.
Lulu: You could not be more wrong. Why do you LIE every moment of your life?
Me: I saw it. I moved one NANO-MILLIMETER to get the camera and you ran off, but oh buddy, I SAW IT.
Lulu: Yawn. Pics or it didn't happen. Everybody knows this.
Me: You moved very fast for someone so…
Lulu: Watch it.
Lulu: Well played.
Me: Anyway, what about at dinnertime? When Finny follows you around like he's glued to your side?
Lulu: You're making this all up. That never happens.
Me: LIKE A WEE LITTLE PILOTFISH!!!!!
Lulu: Goodbye, asshole. I'm turning my back to you for the remainder of the day AND night. You do not exist to me.
Me: I can still see you.
Me: I mean, it's difficult for you to hide. Being so…
Lulu: Can this blog please be over. You bore me. Also, I have your death to plan.
Me: It's hard to transcribe with Toby on my head. The blog can be over.
Me: Say goodbye to the nice people.
Lulu: Au revoir, bipeds. So glad we had this talk. And remember, every word out of her mouth is a LIE.
Me: If it makes you feel good to think that, you go right ahead and think that, KITTEN KISSER.
Lulu: Someone. Please. Save me.