Me: Grr. Seethe. Sulk. Pout. Brood.
Common Sense: Okay, you're irritating me. Stop with the dramatics.
Me: Go to hell. I am so irritated right now it's not even slightly amusing.
CS: Dude. Ask your friends. You in a bad mood? HILARIOUS.
Me: DIE IN A FIRE.
CS: Hee hee hee. You're so petulant and crabby. Like an overtired toddler.
Me: I hate you so much.
CS: Stop sulking. Put the bottom lip away. Tell the nice people what's going on.
Me: What's going ON!??! What is going on is that my asshole neighbor, who lives TEN FEET AWAY, has decided YET AGAIN that she's going to sit in a lawn chair DIRECTLY OUTSIDE MY WINDOW and have endless phone conversations ALL AFTERNOON. AGAIN.
Me: And they're the most inane conversations EVER.
CS: Not that you're eavesdropping.
Me: Certainly not.
CS: It's just that she's so loud.
Me: I can't HELP IT. I've got the TV on, I'm working on a MamaPop post, I'm not TRYING to listen in on her BORING ASS CONVERSATION, but it's going on right outside my WINDOW! Why is she outside? We have HOMES. I can see her home RIGHT THERE. Why in the name of God's pants would you purposely be OUTSIDE when you could be INSIDE?
CS: Well, some people like the outside.
Me: I have a plan. A plan to make her go to her damn home like a normal person.
CS: Oh lordo.
Me: *maniacal giggling*
CS: Tell the people what you did.
Me: What? I didn't do anything.
CS: TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT YOU DID.
Me: I, um…Well, I got out my iTunes and started playing a nice little song. To drown out the conversation about NOTHING that is going on outside.
CS: Lies. Queen of lies.
Me: WHAT? That's exactly what I did!
CS: You need to stop playing innocent, it's a LIE, and you know it.
Me: I didn't do anything wrong.
CS: But you DID…
Me: OKAY FINE. I cranked up Marilyn Manson RILLY LOUD and maybe sat under the window so as to hide from my stupid neighbor to DROWN HER IN METAL GOODNESS as she tried to have her BORING ASS conversation right outside my window FOR NO REASON. I did NOTHING WRONG.
CS: You behaved like a pre-teen brat, is what you did.
Me: My mama told me never to apologize for something I didn't do. My therapist says that too. It's a problem I have, always apologizing. So I'm going to work on BETTERING MYSELF by not apologizing for cranking up Manson as I crouched under my window like a crazy person.
CS: And you giggled the whole time like The Joker from Batman.
Me: I certainly did not.
CS: Or Woody Woodpecker.
Me: That would be uncouth and undignified, and I certainly did not cackle uncontrollably when she moved her stupid lawn chair away from my window and went to the middle of the courtyard, which is where she should have been in the first place.
CS: So mature.
Me: I guess she doesn't like vintage Marilyn Manson. "Lunchbox" is a great song.
CS: He screams "next motherfucker gonna get my metal" approximately seven thousand times in that song. It's ridiculous.
Me: It's AWESOME. Anyway, she moved, and that's the important thing.
CS: You scared the cats.
Me: The cats can pack a bag if they don't like my music.
CS: You're 33 years old and you were hiding under your windowsill blasting terrible music instead of going outside and asking her to move her chair. You acted like a child.
Me: I don't handle confrontation well.
CS: No shit, Sherlock. You're MUCH better at passive aggressive immature behavior.
Me: You're mean.
CS: You're a brat.
Me: I'm awesome.
CS: I give up.
Me: VICTORY IS MINE!