Actual Conversation: Common Sense And The Crappy Neighbor

Me: Grr. Seethe. Sulk. Pout. Brood. 

Common Sense: Okay, you're irritating me. Stop with the dramatics. 

Me: Go to hell. I am so irritated right now it's not even slightly amusing.

CS: Dude. Ask your friends. You in a bad mood? HILARIOUS. 

Me: DIE IN A FIRE.

CS: Hee hee hee. You're so petulant and crabby. Like an overtired toddler. 

Me: I hate you so much.

CS: Stop sulking. Put the bottom lip away. Tell the nice people what's going on.

Me: What's going ON!??! What is going on is that my asshole neighbor, who lives TEN FEET AWAY, has decided YET AGAIN that she's going to sit in a lawn chair DIRECTLY OUTSIDE MY WINDOW and have endless phone conversations ALL AFTERNOON. AGAIN. 

CS: And?

Me: And they're the most inane conversations EVER. 

CS: Not that you're eavesdropping.

Me: Certainly not. 

CS: It's just that she's so loud. 

Me: I can't HELP IT. I've got the TV on, I'm working on a MamaPop post, I'm not TRYING to listen in on her BORING ASS CONVERSATION, but it's going on right outside my WINDOW! Why is she outside? We have HOMES. I can see her home RIGHT THERE. Why in the name of God's pants would you purposely be OUTSIDE when you could be INSIDE?

CS: Well, some people like the outside.

Me: I have a plan. A plan to make her go to her damn home like a normal person. 

CS: Oh lordo.

**TIME PASSES**

Me: *maniacal giggling*

CS: Tell the people what you did. 

Me: What? I didn't do anything. 

CS: TELL THE PEOPLE WHAT YOU DID. 

Me: I, um…Well, I got out my iTunes and started playing a nice little song. To drown out the conversation about NOTHING that is going on outside. 

CS: Lies. Queen of lies.

Me: WHAT? That's exactly what I did!

CS: You need to stop playing innocent, it's a LIE, and you know it.

Me: I didn't do anything wrong. 

CS: But you DID…

Me: OKAY FINE. I cranked up Marilyn Manson RILLY LOUD and maybe sat under the window so as to hide from my stupid neighbor to DROWN HER IN METAL GOODNESS as she tried to have her BORING ASS conversation right outside my window FOR NO REASON. I did NOTHING WRONG. 

CS: You behaved like a pre-teen brat, is what you did. 

Me: My mama told me never to apologize for something I didn't do. My therapist says that too. It's a problem I have, always apologizing. So I'm going to work on BETTERING MYSELF by not apologizing for cranking up Manson as I crouched under my window like a crazy person. 

CS: And you giggled the whole time like The Joker from Batman. 

Me: I certainly did not.

CS: Or Woody Woodpecker. 

Me: That would be uncouth and undignified, and I certainly did not cackle uncontrollably when she moved her stupid lawn chair away from my window and went to the middle of the courtyard, which is where she should have been in the first place. 

CS: So mature. 

Me: I guess she doesn't like vintage Marilyn Manson. "Lunchbox" is a great song. 

CS: He screams "next motherfucker gonna get my metal" approximately seven thousand times in that song. It's ridiculous.

Me: It's AWESOME. Anyway, she moved, and that's the important thing. 

CS: You scared the cats. 

Me: The cats can pack a bag if they don't like my music. 

CS: You're 33 years old and you were hiding under your windowsill blasting terrible music instead of going outside and asking her to move her chair. You acted like a child.

Me: I don't handle confrontation well. 

CS: No shit, Sherlock. You're MUCH better at passive aggressive immature behavior. 

Me: You're mean.

CS: You're a brat. 

Me: I'm awesome.

CS: I give up. 

Me: VICTORY IS MINE!


Comments

Actual Conversation: Common Sense And The Crappy Neighbor — 16 Comments

  1. Seriously, I would have done the same damn thing, b/c any idiot who insists on sitting right under your window & blathering loudly on the phone is just going to look at you like YOU are the most rude person on earth when you ever-so-politely ask her to relocate.

  2. I suck at confrontation as well. The only difference would have been that I’d have blasted Lilly Allen’s “Fuck You” instead. 🙂

  3. I would have gone with a good old fashioned telenovela turned up to 11, myself — something about shrieking in Spanish tends to keep out the riff-raff. But I can’t say I would have done much different, myself, and I’m a grown-ass woman with a CHILD. She’s totally going to win at the Passive-Aggressive Olympics someday, if she doesn’t win the World Eye-Rolling Championships first, because she has a GREAT coach.

  4. I should have done that to my neighbors months ago. Ever since it was nice enough to be outside they have been hanging out in their driveway alllll day and into the night blasting old country music allll day and into the night. I actually brought this to their attention several times which basically got me nowhere. Sometimes passive aggressive acts DO yield results. I applaude you!!

  5. I discovered a few years back that my South Park Bigger Longer and Uncut DVD worked very well indeed. I resorted to that after asking my former neighbor to please move away from my window and she decided she liked where she was just fine. Guess she wasn’t a fan of Shut Your F**king Face Uncle F**ker.

  6. This sounds like perfectly reasonable behavior. No idea why CS took issue with it. It’s not like you joined in her phone conversation and talked to her about what she was saying.

  7. Love this! With all the inconsiderate bs we put up w/ in life, this is a great! *Won’t go into an egg throwing incident I, er my evil twin got involved in a long while back*
    Give the kitties a hug!

  8. I think a truly crazy person wouldn’t bother to crouch under the window… crouching seems reasonable… neighbour stuff is so stressful… I miss living out in the country for this reason (mind you then I was stressed because there was miles of black forest outside the window and that freaked me out sometimes).
    And I’ve always wondered about people who hang out on their driveways. My husband and I call these people “garage people” because they can also often be found sitting in their garages with the doors up. Much of the time they have huge private backyards, so I always wonder why there are in the driveway? I have to assume it is so they can watch everything going on on the street… which really creeps me out…
    Next time put on a porn movie and blast the sounds out the window… that will probably work as well…
    BETTERING MYSELF by not apologizing for cranking up Manson as I crouched under my window like a crazy person.

  9. This Colleen replying to Colleen… just to say the last paragraph of my comment makes no sense because it is not supposed to be there… I can offer no explanation, but looks like I somehow grabbed some of the original post…
    geez…

  10. LOL! I love it! although I would actually have been very obnoxious and loudly asked her to move… (I’m not a fan of confrontation, but I am a Leo and am very loud) it possibly would have turned bad…
    my neighbor (male) was outside on his balcony (directly under mine) discussing very loudly w/ I assume his soon to be ex wife that he in fact did NOT sleep with that woman… I stood w/ the patio door open and giggled madly…

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