I've always been thin-skinned. People in grammar school and junior high used to time how long it would take to make me cry. This was fun for them. I have a delightful habit of dating guys who are mean to me. If I had a whip and a hair shirt, I'd use them constantly. I have bipolar, which means there is a constant cruel voice in my head telling me I'm worthless, stupid, and a bad person who deserves to be punished. This voice is always there, despite the fistfuls of meds I take every day.
So yeah, I'm a little thin-skinned.
I take everything personally. Someone needs to clarify something with me that I've said or done? I'm a terrible person. It's my fault. I'm bad, and wrong, and why not throw ugly and fat in there too, because why not.
I can count the number of friends I have who are also single on one hand with fingers left over. Why is this? Because I'm bad, stupid, unlovable. Ugly and fat can go in there too, because that voice is like the annoying henchman to the regular bad voice who kicks me when I'm down.
So yes, words hurt me. Probably because I can't escape words. They're always in my head. A constant chatter of hate, a constant bully on the schoolyard. It's screaming at me right now, by the way, that this is the most self-indulgent pathetic whining crap I've ever written.
So yes. Words hurt me.
I was sitting outside last night smoking, three straight days of insomnia making me irrational and confused, when my neighbor asked me if I was gaining weight. Instead of saying that it was that time of the month and I was bloated as hell and laughing off the whole thing, I burst into tears and ran into the apartment, slamming the door. Real mature of me.
The voice laaaaaaaaaaughed and laughed.
I'm 33 years old, and I'm still the girl in the fourth grade who was so much fun to make cry in front of the whole school. I'm a grown ass woman and I spend far too much time apologizing for things I didn't do, because even if my rationality (and my mother) tell me that I should never apologize for things I didn't do, the voice is stronger. The voice is paramount. So I hide, inside my apartment, inside the computer, inside myself, where it's safe.
Sticks and stones. I'd take them any day.