30 Days of Truth: Day Four

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.

I stared at this one for a while. Then I had some coffee and ignored it for a while longer. Forgiveness as a topic calls for bringing up past wrongs, and I have a habit of blaming myself for everything that’s wrong – no, seriously, it’s called negative narcissism – everything is about me, but it’s all bad. Ridiculous to type out, beyond easy to believe in my messed up little brainpan. So trying to find someone ELSE to forgive would mean going so deep into my emotions as to bypass the negative narcissism and find the real root of pain, the real cause.

Well that’s hard, and I don’t want to do it.

The nuns! I have to forgive the nuns for making high school so unbelievably hard! For watching me implode for six years and never lift a finger to reach out to me, instead punishing or ignoring my constant pain!

Well that just sounds whiny. It’s high school, get over it, right? You’re 33 bloody years old. Plus, they’re nuns. It’s straight to hell for you for bitching about nuns, so well done, dude.

And around it goes back to me. Negative narcissism! It’s what’s for breakfast!

Um…Shit, man. I’ve done a lot of forgiving in my life, and placed a lot of blame on myself when it really belonged square on the shoulders of someone else. It just seemed…self indulgent to blame other people, when EVERYONE knows that everything bad that’s happened in my life is MY fault, right?

…Right?

Well I can’t be SPEECHLESS, that’s absurd. I’m never speechless. Type-less, rather. I’m very typey. Always typey.

See how I’m trying to joke around to get out of the subject? Very mature of me.

Sigh.

Dig deep. Beyond the self-blame. Find the real core of how I feel. The real reasons. The real people. No, deeper. Go deeper.

I can’t. Not now. Maybe someday.

I guess I fail the assignment for the day.



Comments

30 Days of Truth: Day Four — 6 Comments

  1. Miss B. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It’s not about the other person who wronged you, instead it sets you free. It lightens your load. Try it on for real. You did hint at forgiving the nuns, so I don’t see how you failed today’s assignment at all. Isn’t the whole point of this 30 day exercise all about truth? You spent some time here confronting your issues and finding the truth. You’ve passed with flying colors!

  2. funny. I do the same thing. which is what I already forgave myself for yesterday. so today’s assignment will be hard for me as well. thank you for make me feel “normal”.

    🙂

  3. I just want to say something about the power of forgiveness. Forgiving someone for what they did to you frees you from the power that thing has over you. It does not free the other person or mean that what they did is ok. In the case of the nuns, you can begin to get free of that awful abuse if you forgive them. For them to get free, they would have to contact you and say to you “Will you forgive me for . . . ” and then name the abuse for what it was. If they do not do this they will reap what they sowed for the rest of their lives. In our society we call that “what goes around comes around.” Miss Banshee, I encourage you to begin this process to freedom for yourself. It will make a difference in your life.

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