Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I stared at this one for a while. Then I had some coffee and ignored it for a while longer. Forgiveness as a topic calls for bringing up past wrongs, and I have a habit of blaming myself for everything that’s wrong – no, seriously, it’s called negative narcissism – everything is about me, but it’s all bad. Ridiculous to type out, beyond easy to believe in my messed up little brainpan. So trying to find someone ELSE to forgive would mean going so deep into my emotions as to bypass the negative narcissism and find the real root of pain, the real cause.
Well that’s hard, and I don’t want to do it.
The nuns! I have to forgive the nuns for making high school so unbelievably hard! For watching me implode for six years and never lift a finger to reach out to me, instead punishing or ignoring my constant pain!
Well that just sounds whiny. It’s high school, get over it, right? You’re 33 bloody years old. Plus, they’re nuns. It’s straight to hell for you for bitching about nuns, so well done, dude.
And around it goes back to me. Negative narcissism! It’s what’s for breakfast!
Um…Shit, man. I’ve done a lot of forgiving in my life, and placed a lot of blame on myself when it really belonged square on the shoulders of someone else. It just seemed…self indulgent to blame other people, when EVERYONE knows that everything bad that’s happened in my life is MY fault, right?
Well I can’t be SPEECHLESS, that’s absurd. I’m never speechless. Type-less, rather. I’m very typey. Always typey.
See how I’m trying to joke around to get out of the subject? Very mature of me.
Dig deep. Beyond the self-blame. Find the real core of how I feel. The real reasons. The real people. No, deeper. Go deeper.
I can’t. Not now. Maybe someday.
I guess I fail the assignment for the day.