30 Days of Truth, Day 5

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

I have started and stopped this one so many times I have lost count. At first, I thought immediately of the Super Sekrit Project, which has lain stagnant for some time now, and is the source of severe anxiety and self-loathing. Why don’t I work on it? Because I’m paralyzingly afraid of it. People who know that it is in fact a book I want to write ask me good naturedly, “So how’s it coming with the book?” That’s when my heart drops into my feet and a wave of nausea takes over. I know in my heart that someday it will be written, and I think that doing this project is a good stepping stone to getting it really rolling, but oh, my heart. It’s just beyond terrifying.

So I was going to talk about that, and how it’s my goal in life, but then I looked at it and a little voice in the back of my head whispered “cheater”.  I tried to dismiss it, but it was still there the next day, nagging at me. Cheater. When you think of the one thing you want to accomplish with your life, it isn’t the book. Sure, that would be grand, and I very much want to do it, but is it the one thing? Of course not. That’s not nearly scary enough to be the real answer.

Lately, many of my friends have been getting married and/or having kids. Or perhaps they’re buying a condo or  going on a grand adventure. The underlying theme is that everyone seems to have neatly paired up with their other half, as if an alarm goes off around the age of 32 and you find your missing piece of life’s grand puzzle in your significant other. This is what I see around me, and I am thrilled and overjoyed for my friends. I pore over wedding photos, coo over beautiful babies, and congratulate my friends on whatever milestone has come up for the couple.

I’m extremely happy for the people I love.

I’d also like to know when it is my turn, please.

I’d really like to find my missing piece. The one piece that I can’t create myself, that I can’t accomplish through solely my own persistence and hard work,  the vital piece that simply slips into place, alongside me, hand in hand. The road will be long and hard, but with that piece in the machinery, the path is less rocky, less lonely. More fulfilling because it is shared. I’d love to share.

I’m a huge sucker for the movie Moulin Rouge, a very polarizing film that people tend to adore or despise. I love it fiercely. The tagline “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn, is just to love, and be loved in return” is trumpeted by John Leguizamo’s character Toulouse at the apex of the movie, when all is chaos, our two romantic leads hear this call and all else falls away.

The story doesn’t end happily, but the siren call of love carries on, despite how the movie concludes. I weep like a baby every time I watch the film, and I’ve watched it countless times. And that, not a book, or a trip around the world, or a mansion in the hills is what I hope to accomplish with my life. To love, and be loved in return.

I have to believe it will happen. What on earth is the point if I don’t?


30 Days of Truth, Day 5 — 5 Comments

  1. It will happen. There is so much about you that is completely loveable, and you are such a generous soul – it will happen. All it takes is someone with eyes. 🙂

    Many years ago, I had a boy who tormented me on a regular basis. At one point, he asked me “Do you think you’re beautiful?” Being a truthful child, I said “No.” Cringing, waiting for the answer, I was astonished when he said, “Well, your husband will think you are.”

    Really? Me? He thinks I’ll have a husband? And a husband that’ll think I’m beautiful? Wow.

    But you know what? I do have one. And he does. For well over a quarter of a century, now.

    Hang in there. 🙂

  2. A wise friend once referred me to the Shel Silverstein book “The Missing Piece Meets the Big O.” (No, not the “big o” that we’re both thinking)

    Yes, when you’re feeling lonely and ready for your turn, it feels like bullshit. But it also helps too.

  3. Like the philosopher said, “We are each born only half a circle, and we spend out lives seeking out our other half.”

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