Does anyone remember that play “Flowers for Algernon? About the mentally challenged man who becomes smart from a medical experiment, only it wears off and he goes back to his old life? There was a movie called “Charly” based on it. Anyway, it’s a great play, very sad, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot this weekend.
This new medication is outstanding. I find myself completely without doomy feelings at times, and sometimes look at myself and think “I’m actually pretty damn content right now”. It’s like Charly in the play. I’ve had the veil lifted, and I see the world differently, not through rose colored glasses, but without the screen of constant doom, of the constant waiting for tragedy to hit. And like Charly, I now wait. Wait for it to wear off. Wait for the honeymoon period of the meds to stop and go back to how I used to be. And that, readers, will break my heart.
At the same time, I think, well, what if it’s NOT like the play? What if these changes are permanent? I mean, I still get depressed, and sad, and forlorn, and all that but it’s lessened. It’s bearable, and there are actual moments of clarity and happiness. The doom stays at bay, still there, but on a shelf, far away from my everyday thoughts. Things aren’t CURED, but there’s the tiny voice of hope, and damn, it’s hard to ignore it. It’s the scariest sound I’ve ever heard.
That’s really what it is. I’m scared shitless. And I have found myself at a loss for words regarding how I feel, hell, I’ve started this post a thousand times to no avail. I’m just going to hit “publish” at some point or else it’s just going to go on the rapidly growing pile of unfinished posts that are driving me crazy because I don’t know how to be at a loss for words. I don’t know what to do with myself these days. I am, like Charly, seeing the world in a new way, and I am completely befuddled by it.
This post is terrible. It’s all over the place and I’m really not happy with it, but I’m going to publish it anyway. It’s how I feel right now, and that’s what this blog is supposed to be about anyway.