Flowers For Banshee

Does anyone remember that play “Flowers for Algernon? About the mentally challenged man who becomes smart from a medical experiment, only it wears off and he goes back to his old life? There was a movie called “Charly” based on it. Anyway, it’s a great play, very sad, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot this weekend.

This new medication is outstanding. I find myself completely without doomy feelings at times, and sometimes look at myself and think “I’m actually pretty damn content right now”. It’s like Charly in the play. I’ve had the veil lifted, and I see the world differently, not through rose colored glasses, but without the screen of constant doom, of the constant waiting  for tragedy to hit. And like Charly, I now wait. Wait for it to wear off. Wait for the honeymoon period of the meds to stop and go back to how I used to be. And that, readers, will break my heart.

At the same time, I think, well, what if it’s NOT like the play? What if these changes are permanent? I mean, I still get depressed, and sad, and forlorn, and all that but it’s lessened. It’s bearable, and there are actual moments of clarity and happiness. The doom stays at bay, still there, but on a shelf, far away from my everyday thoughts. Things aren’t CURED, but there’s the tiny voice of hope, and damn, it’s hard to ignore it. It’s the scariest sound I’ve ever heard.

That’s really what it is. I’m scared shitless. And I have found myself at a loss for words regarding how I feel, hell, I’ve started this post a thousand times to no avail. I’m just going to hit “publish” at some point or else it’s just going to go on the rapidly growing pile of unfinished posts that are driving me crazy because I don’t know how to be at a loss for words. I don’t know what to do with myself these days. I am, like Charly, seeing the world in a new way, and I am completely befuddled by it.

This post is terrible. It’s all over the place and I’m really not happy with it, but I’m going to publish it anyway. It’s how I feel right now, and that’s what this blog is supposed to be about anyway.


Flowers For Banshee — 9 Comments

  1. I don’t know what to do with hope, either. But I’m still (either against my instinct, or perfectly aligned with a deeper instinct that’s hard-wired – it’s hard to say) trying to flirt with it and to make it stick around.

    Here’s hoping that the doom stays on that shelf where it belongs. And that your words find their way back to you, as strong and true as ever.
    Jennifer last post: Forward

  2. Ah, thank you for writing this. I don’t like to ask, not clear it’s my business at ALL. But oh my, I’m so glad it’s going well.

  3. I know that this is all new and a little scary. After all, the sense of doom is so normal for you. The only way that I can imagine it is the way I learned to live from my Mother: “Expect the worst and hope for the best.” magnified by a 1,000 times or more. But that was normal for you and for me; so when the beautiful and amazing happens (like THIS medicine is working, and is tolerable!!) we keep looking for that other shoe to drop. Or perhaps some all-powerful entity will extract payment for the good in the form of something equally bad (or worse) happening to us or someone we love. Hell of a way to live, ain’t it?

    Fortunately, with lots of help in the form of medicine (I take Prozac–hate the sexual side effects, but without it, when I get depressed I will sleep forever–like hibernate, not suicide), a couple of amazing retreats at a place called The Monroe Institute and a wonderful therapist–I have been able to change my point of view. Now I expect the best, but prepare in case of the worst. And I don’t hibernate. The fibromyalgia and CFIDS CAN AND WILL extract their payments from my body in the form of fatigue, but I know how to plan. And have a Plan B. And a Plan C.

    It’s all real, Miss Banshee. Go slow in your new world–you’ll do fine. I know it.
    Love from Nadine (the Minx)

  4. Hey, the other shoe may not drop. My 15 y/o is bipolar. We found the right mix for her about 18 months ago and she is stable, stable, stable after a truly frightening 2 years. Of course it helped that we finally diagnosed her ADHD too. I hope this is the right mix for you too! Fingers crossed.

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