Vacation, All I Ever Needed

SO! How is everyone? Any old business? No? New business? I have some new business. Senator from New Jersey has the floor.

Well. It’s been decided. I am done with hiding the fact that I am feeling better these days. I know I’ve hinted towards it in past blogs, what with the infernal giggling and the abandoning of the 30 Days of Oh My Hell, but I’m here to stand up in front of you all and say hot damn, this Saphris stuff is a godsend. I feel almost like a human being. I mean sure, I have a long way to go, but I have this bizarre thing called “hope” and I’m not going to hide it from the world any more.

It’s an amazing feeling. Another amazing feeling is a connection with another person, the first I’ve felt with anyone, male or female for a long time, probably since I became friends with ElleVee, and that was a long time ago. Outpost31 is an amazing dude, and all I know is that when we are in cahoots, I laugh so hard my face hurts. That’s a good sign in a person. So I am giving The Doom the finger and saying things are looking better than they have in a hell of a long time.

Another development, which I obnoxiously hinted towards in the last blog, is that I can’t wait for New Years Week. WHY, you ask? Because my poor, punk ass is going on a little VACATION. I KNOW! So where am I going? (and someone is staying here AND I have an alarm, so don’t think you can bust into my apartment to steal a cat or an empty box of cereal without the PoPo coming to get your ass) I’m going to LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA!

Wait. Did I just say what I think I said?

Los Angeles?

LOS ANGELES? The epicenter of DOOM? Earthquakes! Fire! Mudslides! Traffic on the freeway! LA is DOOM PERSONIFIED, and when I lived there 10 years ago, I haaaaaaaaated it. So why am I going? Because 10 years ago is old business. 10 years ago was a different lifetime. I was undiagnosed, unmedicated, I had no system of friends, was in a tenuous relationship, and also, hello, 23 years old. I didn’t know shit about shit. Of course I THOUGHT I did, hell, I thought I knew EVERYTHING at 23. I didn’t. I hadn’t lived yet. Undiagnosed and unmedicated as I was, I also didn’t know that the pain of everyday life could be explained, could be treated, that it didn’t have to be like that, I didn’t have to drink two bottles of wine a day to quiet the screaming doom in my head. It didn’t have to be so awful.

I didn’t know that then.

So I’m giving LA another chance. It’s just a vacation, I’ll be with Outpost31, so it’s GOT to be a grand time since we are freaking awesome, and not EVERYTHING about LA sucks. It’ll be a good time. I know it.

I deserve it. And that’s the first time I’ve ever said that about something positive. And that says it all.


Vacation, All I Ever Needed — 10 Comments

  1. I am ridiculously happy for you! I can relate on some level about that feeling of hope. I started my medication about 6 months ago and it’s been a whole new world. Yay for you!

    And yay for a vacation with an awesome guy. You DEFINITELY deserve it.

  2. So happy you are feeling better and that you are getting to go to LA!! I hope you have a fantastic time!!!!!!!!!!

  3. So awesome that you are “coming out” of the Doom Closet. I bet that now, even if doom did come a-calling, you would be better equipped to handle it and it wouldn’t be quite so scary and tragic. So happy for you!

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