Outpost31: Quick! “Fatal Attraction” on Animal Planet! Turn it on! Turn it ON.
Me: Okay, okay…Oh my god.
Outpost31: Is that buffalo…sharpening its horns?
Me: That’s one angry buffalo.
Outpost31: That’s one ineffective fence.
Me: That buffalo wants to run free!
Outpost31: That buffalo wants to gore someone.
Me: And here comes that someone!
Outpost31: Oh good. Some hillbilly caught himself a buffalo and now he’s…taunting it? What the hell are we watching?
Me: He’s trying to tame the buffalo. It’s his pet.
Outpost31: Nothing that weighs a TON can be a pet.
Me: You’ve never met Lulu.
Outpost31: Who is that with him? Child bride? Oh god, she’s in a feather headdress.
Me: Someone should call the authorities. Does he make her sleep in the tepee with the buffalo?
Outpost31: That buffalo is going to have its way with that guy.
Me: He’s throwing garbage cans at it! Stop, dude! Why are you tormenting the buffalo!
Me: I’m weeping laughing. The tears, they flow.
Outpost31: Oh Christ on the Cross, what is this I’m looking at?
Me: WORLD’S CUTEST CAT CONTEST.
Outpost31: There are a lot of things I will do. I will watch Fatal Attraction with you. I will watch BRIDEZILLAS with you. But we are NOT watching The World’s Cutest Cat Contest. You can tackle that one on your own. I have standards. I have DIGNITY.
Me: The buffalo is back.
Outpost31: Oh, that’s a delightful scene. The dude is letting the buffalo into his HOUSE! It’s in his living room! What am I WATCHING?
Me: That buffalo is going to make a mess.
Outpost31: That child bride is going to have a lot of poo to clean up.
Me: Wait, what is that statistic?
Outpost31: 90% of buffalo trainers get horrifically gored to death. Oh, that’s nice. When do we get to the “Fatal” part of this attraction?
Me: It’s over.
Outpost31: I cry foul! There was NO fatality in that attraction! No one got gored! This show is a grave disappointment. I wanted to see FATALITY. This show is a sham. A sham!
Me: Oh, what’s this nonsense? “I Shouldn’t Be Alive”. Grand.
Outpost31: I hate fishing.
Outpost31: Look at these stupid people on a boat. No boat! No fishing! I hate fishing.
Me: I’ll make a note of that.
Outpost31: Put it on a Post-It. No fishing.
Me: Duly noted. Can we flip back to Bridezillas now?
Outpost31: Sigh. Fine.