So yesterday was not good. Not by a long shot. My mind was angry with me, the inner voice chattering away as I tried to ignore it, tried to continue with a regular Sunday, going to my parents’ house for the afternoon and staying for dinner, coming home, recapping the Amazing Race, talking until all hours on the phone with Outpost31, everything I normally do on a Sunday. There was no reason for yesterday to be different. But it was.
Ever since I started the Saphris, things have really taken a turn for the better. It’s been pretty amazing what one medication can do, but ever since I started reacting positively to it, my meds doc has been futzing with my other meds, taking me off one, chopping another in half, dosage-wise, and upping another, which frankly took exactly two days for me to realize it was a baaaad idea, after sleeping for about 38 out of the 48 hours I was on the new dose. I made an executive decision and went back to the old dose. Fuck that noise.
So yesterday my mind was an ugly place. All the negativity that had been muted by the new medication was roaring back, and I did everything I could think of to make it better. I distracted myself. I changed my environment. I surrounded myself with other people. Everything I did seemed to make it worse. And it wasn’t until I got on the phone with Outpost31 that I started feeling a bit better, and even then, it was a rough night.
I don’t even know why I’m documenting this, I mean, I’ve been so lax in the blog-writing as of late that I’d be surprised if anyone even still reads this (and I don’t blame anyone who gave up on the blog weeks ago, I mean, I’ve been LAX, and that’s super-lame of me) but I wanted to sort out how I was feeling. And the blog, no matter how dusty and cobwebby it has become, is the place for me to do that.
Feeling bad, having a rough day, being low – it happens to everyone, and when you’ve got a chemical imbalance it happens more often than not, but as I’ve stated before, once the medication started working, the idea that it would STOP became incredibly frightening. And that’s how I felt yesterday.
I guess it’s par for the course, and I should just learn to accept that the magic pills will only help so much, but it’s really frightening to think I could go back to that unending dark place. Desperately frightening. I don’t know if I can go through that shit again. It’s one thing to always be in the dark, but it’s another to see the light and be told to go back into the blackness.
This is a downer. I really do feel better today, just…haunted, I guess. Haunted by the “what if” of the entire situation. Ugh.