Deep Breath

So yesterday was not good. Not by a long shot. My mind was angry with me, the inner voice chattering away as I tried to ignore it, tried to continue with a regular Sunday, going to my parents’ house for the afternoon and staying for dinner, coming home, recapping the Amazing Race, talking until all hours on the phone with Outpost31, everything I normally do on a Sunday. There was no reason for yesterday to be different. But it was.

Ever since I started the Saphris, things have really taken a turn for the better. It’s been pretty amazing what one medication can do, but ever since I started reacting positively to it, my meds doc has been futzing with my other meds, taking me off one, chopping another in half, dosage-wise, and upping another, which frankly took exactly two days for me to realize it was a baaaad idea, after sleeping for about 38 out of the 48 hours I was on the new dose. I made an executive decision and went back to the old dose. Fuck that noise.

So yesterday my mind was an ugly place. All the negativity that had been muted by the new medication was roaring back, and I did everything I could think of to make it better. I distracted myself. I changed my environment. I surrounded myself with other people. Everything I did seemed to make it worse. And it wasn’t until I got on the phone with Outpost31 that I started feeling a bit better, and even then, it was a rough night.

I don’t even know why I’m documenting this, I mean, I’ve been so lax in the blog-writing as of late that I’d be surprised if anyone even still reads this (and I don’t blame anyone who gave up on the blog weeks ago, I mean, I’ve been LAX, and that’s super-lame of me) but I wanted to sort out how I was feeling. And the blog, no matter how dusty and cobwebby it has become, is the place for me to do that.

Feeling bad, having a rough day, being low – it happens to everyone, and when you’ve got a chemical imbalance it happens more often than not, but as I’ve stated before, once the medication started working, the idea that it would STOP became incredibly frightening. And that’s how I felt yesterday.

I guess it’s par for the course, and I should just learn to accept that the magic pills will only help so much, but it’s really frightening to think I could go back to that unending dark place. Desperately frightening. I don’t know if I can go through that shit again. It’s one thing to always be in the dark, but it’s another to see the light and be told to go back into the blackness.

This is a downer. I really do feel better today, just…haunted, I guess. Haunted by the “what if” of the entire situation. Ugh.


Deep Breath — 11 Comments

  1. No worries Miss B. I check back here every day or so. I’m sorry that you were in such a dark place yesterday and hope that the new med will continue to let you see and be in the light.

    Also: great recap of the Amazing Race finale! I’m looking forward to reading again come February!
    Dawn last post: Noahs Birth Story- Part the First

  2. You took ahold of your situation, & you self-advocated, both in your actions and how you chose to medicate. You didn’t wait. And you came here. You did good. It’s not the same kind of thing, but I had my thyroid meds “adjusted” over a year ago & the docs are just now coming to the conclusion it May Not Have Been The Best Thing. I wish I’d connected the dots as fast as you do.

  3. I’m still checking in on you Miz Banshee. 🙂 Hoping that things get better for you. My med sitch was incredibly easy compared to yours, but it’s always scary, no matter how well-managed you are with your Doc. Tell us your stories – we will listen.

  4. Woah. For reasons that are (I think) entirely different, I’m pretty much on a less intense version of the same page… except that last Wednesday and Thursday were my really bad days, and it’s been good since then.

    Today, I find myself mostly fine, except my worry that I’ll end up back where I was, and I’m having some difficulty not thinking about some of the stuff that I get obsessed about when I’m in the dark place. It’s like when somebody says to not think about potatoes. 🙂

    I’m glad you recognized and adjusted the meds situation so quickly. It’s taken months for me to realize that the issues I was having might actually be from what I was taking.

    I hope you continue back down the positive path.

    Also, I’ve got you in my google reader, so no matter how long you leave the blog, I’ll always know when you come back. 🙂

  5. Let your doc know that changing that many medications at once is crazy — no way to know what caused what. When it comes to brain meds, slowly is the way to go.

    Also, as a reader of your blog, I’m not going anywhere.


  6. I’m still here! 🙂 And honestly? I’m really proud of you. Like thelittlefluffycat, you’ve taken a hold of your situation and are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. I’m sorry yesterday was so shitty, and I’m especially sorry that everything you did to try to fix things felt like it made things worse, but again, I’m really proud that you kept going, kept trying. It serves as a good example to me to keep putting one foot in front of the other when I’m having days like that. So, thank you for putting yourself out there. *hugs*

    Also, on another subject entirely, I would like to point out that we haven’t had kitty pictures *all month*! 😉 Last time we saw Finny he was almost Lulu sized and I was amazed! Anyway. Just sayin’. 😀
    Lizzie last post: It gets better- and help is out there

  7. Hi. recent follower.
    Hang in there.
    I’ve added your blog to my Daily list in Google Reader. Looking forward to reading your updates be they infrequent or rambling 🙂 Come to think of it, that sound like my blogging habits..

  8. I’m the same way. It’s really easy, when you’re feeling better, to forget that you’re still sick. And when you inevitably have one of those bad days (because everyone has them, even the healthy ones), to instantly believe we’re going back down into that black pit and we’re never making our way out of it ever again. It’s actually a pretty natural reaction, so don’t beat yourself up too much for feeling that way. Just keep telling yourself, “It will get better, it will get better.” And it eventually does.

    And, I’ve got you in my RSS feed, so even if you go for months without posting, I’ll still be here. Unless you move domains, of course.

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