How To Doctor A Cat (A Lesson In Futility)

Notice cat has ucky eyes. Notice that cat resembles small pirate.

Utter “Yarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”

No respone. Inspect cat further.

See that cat is sneezing all over self.

Shower, rinse, repeat.

Notice cat is rather pitiful, looking sad and leaky

Groan in horror at the leaking, realize it’s time to call Dr. Peggy

Dr Peggy assigns eye gel to cat, and instructs self to look for “abnormal discharge”

Imagine life with goldfish

Look sadly at sneezing, coughing, eye-drooling cat with pity

Begin to feel psycho-somatic pink eye symptoms

Scrub eyes with soap

Irritate eyes

Scrub eyes with soap again

Irritate eyes more

Wake up. Make sure sneezy weepy cat is still alive

Do small dance

Drive uphill both ways in the snow barefoot to Dr. Peggy

Go to hell for lying

But It was uphill one way


Receive eye cream for cat


Drive home (downhill)

Purr at cat

Speak softly to cat

Promise pony to cat

Grab cat’s eye and squirt gel in

Cower and bleed

Cover wounds

Watch cat stagger around apartment like small pirate

Echo “Arr! Arr! Arr!” as cat bumps into furniture

Laugh face off

Dress wounds

Stare at sickly cat.

Rub eyes.




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