Me: I’m fat.
Outpost31: You have work you want to do health-wise to make you happy. I just want you happy.
Me: I want to be less fat.
Outpost31: Then there are plenty of things you can do! We’ll work on it together.
Me: Less fat. That’s the goal. I want less of ME on this planet.
Outpost31: Well you can start with your eating habits.
Me: See, that’s where we hit a glitch. I happen to love food.
Outpost31: Healthy food! Conscientious eating.
Outpost31: Definitely not.
Outpost31: Also not so much. Lean meats. Vegetables. Healthy!
Outpost31: I don’t think you’re listening to my heartfelt encouragement.
Outpost31: I don’t think you’re listening to me at ALL, actually.
Outpost31: No cake.
Me: But I’m hungry. Starving. Crumbling with the hunger.
Outpost31: There are plenty of foods you can eat and still be on a healthy regime. You’re not going to starve to death.
Me: DEATH! Death is coming. I’m falling to pieces without processed sugar.
Outpost31: I can see I’m getting exactly nowhere with you on the food front.
Outpost31: What about exercise?
Me: *blank stare*
Outpost31: That would be a “no” then?
Me: *slowly raises one eyebrow*
Outpost31: We’ll find something you like. Something fun!
Me: Exercise and fun will never be synonymous in my brain. Exercise is torture. Agonizing, teeth gnashing, hair ripping torture. I hate exercise. Also there is sweat, and a lady never SWEATS.
Outpost31: So you want to lose weight because the way you look right now makes you sad.
Outpost31: And neither of us want you to be sad, so we’re going to work on this.
Outpost31: But you’re vehemently opposed to changing your eating habits or exercising.
Me: You betcha.
Outpost31: This is what we call “an impasse”.
Me: One would say that, yes.
Outpost31: And one might also say that you’re being a smidge difficult.
Outpost31: And by “a smidge difficult” what I’m really saying is that you’re being an enormous pain in the ass.
Me: Did you just call me enormous? I have to go cry now.
Outpost31: I…I didn’t…oh lordo, get back here, I didn’t call you enormous, it was a description of the amount of ass-pain you are causing me, not…oh forget it.
Me: I just want to lose weight. And still eat Twinkies and not sweat.
Outpost31: Yeah, how’s that working for you?
Outpost31: You can do it, baby. I have faith in you.
Outpost31: When you’re done acting like a petulant toddler, we’ll find some healthy snacks for you.
Me: *brightly* CANDY! Candy candy candy candy candy candy candy. *wanders off in search of sugar*