Fudgie The Whale

Me: I’m fat.

Outpost31: You have work you want to do health-wise to make you happy. I just want you happy.

Me: I want to be less fat.

Outpost31: Then there are plenty of things you can do! We’ll work on it together.

Me: Less fat. That’s the goal. I want less of ME on this planet.

Outpost31: Well you can start with your eating habits.

Me: See, that’s where we hit a glitch. I happen to love food.

Outpost31: Healthy food! Conscientious eating.

Me: Twinkies.

Outpost31: Definitely not.

Me: BURRITOS.

Outpost31: Also not so much. Lean meats. Vegetables. Healthy!

Me: Oreos.

Outpost31: I don’t think you’re listening to my heartfelt encouragement.

Me: CAKE.

Outpost31: I don’t think you’re listening to me at ALL, actually.

Me: CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE.

Outpost31: No cake.

Me: But I’m hungry. Starving. Crumbling with the hunger.

Outpost31: There are plenty of foods you can eat and still be on a healthy regime. You’re not going to starve to death.

Me: DEATH! Death is coming. I’m falling to pieces without processed sugar.

Outpost31: I can see I’m getting exactly nowhere with you on the food front.

Me: Tacos.

Outpost31: What about exercise?

Me: *blank stare*

Outpost31: That would be a “no” then?

Me: *slowly raises one eyebrow*

Outpost31: We’ll find something you like. Something fun!

Me: Exercise and fun will never be synonymous in my brain. Exercise is torture. Agonizing, teeth gnashing, hair ripping torture. I hate exercise. Also there is sweat, and a lady never SWEATS.

Outpost31: So you want to lose weight because the way you look right now makes you sad.

Me: Yes.

Outpost31: And neither of us want you to be sad, so we’re going to work on this.

Me: Correct.

Outpost31: But you’re vehemently opposed to changing your eating habits or exercising.

Me: You betcha.

Outpost31: This is what we call “an impasse”.

Me: One would say that, yes.

Outpost31: And one might also say that you’re being a smidge difficult.

Me: Moi?

Outpost31: And by “a smidge difficult” what I’m really saying is that you’re being an enormous pain in the ass.

Me: Did you just call me enormous? I have to go cry now.

Outpost31: I…I didn’t…oh lordo, get back here, I didn’t call you enormous, it was a description of the amount of ass-pain you are causing me, not…oh forget it.

Me: I just want to lose weight. And still eat Twinkies and not sweat.

Outpost31: Yeah, how’s that working for you?

Me: *scowl*

Outpost31: You can do it, baby. I have faith in you.

Me: *sulk*

Outpost31: When you’re done acting like a petulant toddler, we’ll find some healthy snacks for you.

Me: *brightly* CANDY! Candy candy candy candy candy candy candy. *wanders off in search of sugar*

Outpost31: *facepalm*


Comments

Fudgie The Whale — 8 Comments

  1. in the past few weeks, i’ve made some serious life changes with diet/exercise/quitting smoking. the horrifying trifecta, right? while i’m not doing as well as i’d like on the diet end, the exercise isn’t as bad as i’d anticipated (i’m doing the Couch-to-5K thingamaboo — made for a slacker like me).

    when you’re ready, you’ll jump in feet first & win.

  2. For 2 weeks now I’ve cut down to one soft drink a day, and fat-free snacks only — all I can find that are edible are Newman’s Own Fig Newmans, and I eat them with enormous hostility. There is no chocolate in my house except those chocolate Caltrate calcium chews. I don’t know how I haven’t committed a major crime yet.
    Sunflowercat last post: My 10 Best Books of 2009

  3. You can do it. I have faith in you. As someone who shares your sweet tooth, I have switched from milk chocolate to dark. I don’t even enjoy milk chocolate anymore. It might take time, but it’s a healthier alternative and you will not have to give it up completely.
    We’re in your corner. Keep being who you are. We love you.

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  5. You know, you can always do what I did. I can’t be trusted to make the right food choices, so, I made that character flaw a non-issue. Joy. (PS I still wanna lose 10 lbs)

  6. We’ve been doing Wii Just Dance. It’s finally exercise that I can call fun.

    Shoveling snow is actually quite a bit of exercise too. Not that it’s fun. Just required when we have the amount of snow we’ve been getting lately and the amount of driveway I need to a minivan.
    Colleen last post: We came to some conclusions today

  7. Sounds like my inner dialogue. We hates the exercise. It burnses.
    BUT. I did the Shred this morning. Almost barfed, but did it!
    Best of luck! 🙂

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