The Kia Vs. Winter – We’ll Call It A Draw

So we all know about the snow, yes? The metric ton of snow that got dumped all over the east coast yesterday and this morning? There was snow. A lot. Of snow. And I didn’t even have the entrenching tool, because you KNOW my dad swiped that back asap after the final blizzard of last year. He has an unhealthy attachment to the entrenching tool. We’re considering an intervention. So it was just me and the broom and my pitiful untoned fat self cleaning off the car for forty million years or at LEAST an hour so I could get out of my parking spot. Like I do every damn time it snows. It’s so awesome, really it is.

I’ve got to hand it to the Kia, though. She worked hard today. She didn’t like it one little bit, but she (AND I) worked vair vair hard to get out of the parking space. We had a slight disagreement though, and… well, let me just show you:

Me: Go! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO! C’mon, you frakkin’ piece of shit, goooooooooo!!!

Kia: No.

Me: GAS PEDAL! WOO! What’s that smell? Go go go go go!

Kia: Nope. I’ll spin my tires for you though. Is that good enough?

Me: Forward! Ho! Gas pedal! Vroom! C’mon ya bastard!

Kia: Uuuuuuuugh. It’s too hard.

Me: FINE. You sit here and get warm, I’ll crawl under you and dig your wheels out, ya big weenie.

*crawls under car, digs out tires, inhales exhaust to a disturbing degree*

Me: Whee! Okay! Let’s try this again. *throws car into gear, guns engine* FORWARD, HO!

Kia: Waaaaaaaaaah. *inches forward*

Me: Almost there! Hit it, sister! *slams gas pedal down*

Kia: VROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! *pops out of parking space*

Me: WOO HOO! Wait. Now what do I do?

(You see, dear reader, that the trucks had plowed the center of the parking lot, summarily burying our cars in the allotted spots, and had not plowed out any of the empty spots. So imagine buried cars on both sides, unplowed spots where there are no cars, and me, stuck in the middle with nowhere to go)

Me: Time to turn around. Hmm. How in the name of pants am I going to do that? That would be a 39 point turn right about there. And that’s just not going to happen. I guess I’ll LEAVE the parking lot, DRIVE down the road, go AROUND the bank, get BACK on the road, turn back INTO the parking lot and that way I will officially be turned around, and will pull back into my spot once I use the broom to wipe the snow away. There’s no possible way THAT could go wrong.

Kia: We’re gonna do WHAT?

Me: Hush your face. This is a brilliant plan.

Kia: Sigh.

And you know what? It worked.

And I got the car back into the spot, but not before getting out of the car and kicking all the built-up snow out of my spot from where the plow had dumped it. It looked like some sort of crack-fueled wintry Riverdance up in here.

(Never did figure out what that smell was, though. I’m sure it was nothing important)


The Kia Vs. Winter – We’ll Call It A Draw — 9 Comments

  1. Reminds me of the time I parked my car at JFK terminal for a week in March and came back to an iceberg. My car had been plowed in multiple times. All I had was an ice scraper which broke on my first chip. I had to dig the rest out with only the handle. This was after flying all day, arriving after midnight on a work night. UGH! This is why I love California!

  2. I absolutely refuse to dig. I have a shovel (that is used by the husband because I AM A LADY*), which is in the trunk of my car, which is currently buried under a 4 foot snow drift.

    I fully expect to not see my car until April.

    *not meant to imply that ladies don’t shovel, it’s just that I am a ridiculous princess when it snows and refuse to.

  3. OK, for the love of pants – when you go to get ciggies next time? buy you some cheapie cheap kitty litter. Keep this in your trunk, so you can put it on ice bumps for traction. Also, DM me your address & I shall send you an entrenching tool of your VAIR OWN.

    You reek of awesomeness. 🙂

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