Common Sense: *GLARE*
Me: Shh. I’m watching Bridezillas.
Me: I feel you glaring at me. Come on now, use your words.
CS: You, missy, have a lot to do.
Me: I am aware of this.
CS: You need to clean the house, sort through your clean laundry, pack, write as much for MamaPop and MoxieBird as you can in advance, and get ready to leave for LA on Wednesday.
Me: Also aware of this.
CS: And yet here you sit, blogging and watching Bridezillas.
Me: Listen, dude. It’s Saturday. I have until Wednesday to do all this stuff. Plenty of time. Loads of time. Eons.
Me: HEY. Enough with the glaring. You were all up on my ass about going weeks without blogging and glaring at me about THAT, and now I’m back in the groove of blogging every day and you yell at me for doing that. You need to make up your mind.
CS: You really need to start multitasking better.
Me: You can’t rush the muse, man. I’m writing! I’m busy!
CS: And you totally didn’t do crunches last night and you said you were going to.
Me: Now wait a second. I was feeling poorly last night. Had I done crunches I surely would have gotten sick all over the place. Be reasonable now.
CS: You could have done them this morning.
Me: I just ate.
CS: Your endless excuses are so very tiresome. And lame. And come ON, woman! Get that motivation up!
Me: Excuse me, but I am being exceedingly productive right now. I am writing, and I am awake, all my bodily functions are functioning, I’m not having any sort of psychotic break, the cats are like, still alive and shit, SO MUCH IS BEING DONE I NEED A NAP.
CS: You disgust me.
Me: Okay, I’ll be straight with you.
CS: Please do.
Me: I have…a lot to do.
CS: This was my original point. Thank you for listening.
Me: And I have to do a lot of it today.
CS: That would be preferable, yes.
Me: It’s a bit daunting. All the stuff and the things that need to be done. I’m a bit overwhelmed.
CS: You haven’t even DONE ANYTHING YET. How can you be overwhelmed?
Me: It’s the concept of the thing. The IDEA of how much I have to do today.
CS: Are you kidding me? Allow me to lend you a ladder so you can get the hell over yourself.
Me: I absolutely will do a lot of stuff today.
CS: No you won’t. You’ll write the blog, and then you’ll chat on Twitter for a while, and you’ll get wrapped up in the Real Housewives of Toledo or whatever, and suddenly it will be dark out and the day will be over. You need to do things today. Make a list.
Me: Bah. Fah! I don’t need a list.
CS: You NEED a good kick in the ass.
Me: I’m hurt. Injured by your words. I hope you’re satisfied.
CS: I’ll be satisfied when you do the dishes and take out the garbage. That would be A START.
Me: Oh I’ll totally do those things today.
CS: NO. No you won’t. Look at you, you have no intention of doing anything and we leave for LA on Wednesday and this HOVEL needs to be SPOTLESS and you’ll wait till Tuesday night and have a panic attack and psychotically clean at 3 am and cry the whole time. Let’s not do that AGAIN.
Me: That only happened once.
CS: Why do you sit on a throne of lies?
Me: That only happened, like, three times.
CS: *raises eyebrow*
Me: That only happened like, four times.
CS: Garbage. And dishes. And perhaps vacuuming. All need to be done today. TODAY.
Me: But…but the internet needs me.
CS: The internet will still be here when you’re done with your chores.
CS: Now publish this stupid blog entry and go take out the damn garbage.
Me: FINE. We need a good tag line. Something witty with which to end the blog entry.
CS: Get your ass off the couch and start cleaning or I swear to god, I will set you on fire.
Me: I’m GOING. SEE ME? GOING!
CS: I’m getting too old for this.