The Superest of Bowls, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Footballs

I hate football. I’ve tried, through 33 years of watching my dad observe the usually dismal performance of the New York Giants like a vulture hovering with rage over his perch, that MY job, during football, is to be silent and stealthy, swooping in and out of the room like a ninja, not seen, not heard, not detected. Not that my dad would have a negative reaction, my dad is a zen master, but rather that I know his frantic NEED for his team to win, I mean, I’m a Red Sox fan. People like me. We get it. We get the urgency.

So yesterday there was that most superest of bowls, that super football game in which two teams I had no interest in played a football game and people ran and fell down and ran and fell down and ran and didn’t catch the ball and after forty million years, the team from Wisconsin beat the team from Pennsylvania and people cheered or booed and did you know that baseball pitchers and catchers report for duty in a week? Because they do. Yay!

This wouldn’t have been an issue in the slightest, this superbowl, had I not been in LA at the home of my boyfriend, who DOES like football boy howdy he does, to the extent that even though his favorite team was not playing and he had no investment in either team, and really didn’t care WHO won, not only wanted to watch the game because he loves the sport of football, but also held a party for almost thirty people. Thirty people. In the apartment I was staying at. Watching football. Um…Yay?

Here’s the real deal. I have massive social anxiety. I’m terrified of people. Of judgment. Of things being thrown at my head. BUT! I also love the boyfriend to pieces and will do anything in my power to help him in any and all of his endeavors. We’re there to boost each other up, and he had a big ol’ party to plan, and dammit, I was going to help in any way I could. So that’s how I ended up slicing tomatoes in a rapidly filling apartment yesterday while some dudes on television were all “Did you see that!?!? So did I!” or whatever sports announcers do during football. Like I said, I truly have no idea as to the appeal of the game.

Then there was my behavior during the game. Not that I did anything pesky or bitchy, far from it. I sat and politely watched during the craziness of the party and maybe I was a little too still and too quiet, and that weighs on me, it does, because I WISH I was a social butterfly and could flit around a party being the perfect hostess, but I tend to shrink into the size of a Smurf when faced with a social environment. At a late point in the game, my back, which has been giving me unending pain since Saturday, caused me to whisper to Outpost31 “I’m going to the bedroom to lay on the floor, I’ll be back”. And then I fell asleep.

That’s right. The girl who has crippling, horrific social anxiety can fall asleep in the middle of a party. I can sleep anywhere. When I was about 15 or 16, my dear friend and then-boyfriend Stevil took me to a GIGANTIC concert through which we had VIP patches, and I found myself a barstool and a ledge and fell asleep during Widespread Panic and the Allman Brothers. Just put my stupid little head down and conked right out. I can sleep ANYWHERE. That’s how much I love sleeping.

So I took a little snooze right after the um…Packers? Right? Won the game and I figured everyone would like, go HOME now that the game was over, so I snuck off and snoozed for about an hour and then wandered downstairs where the remaining people were watching, and I shit you not, the Vanilla Ice movie “Cool As Ice”. Let me tell you what that was like.

Have you ever woken up to “Cool As Ice”? Of course you haven’t, because no one EVER wants or needs to have Vanilla Ice wake them up. That’s worse than waterboarding. So I woke up thinking “Um. Yeah. That can’t possibly be “Cool as Ice” because I watched that movie eons ago and knew it was dreadful at 14, so CLEARLY they’re not watching it. Obviously not. But they were. They were totally watching Vanilla Ice and they can’t deny it, because I woke up in plenty of time and have no shame outing them. Because I’m a bitch.

So I toddled downstairs and greeted everyone again, all “Yeah, totes fell asleep during the raucous noise, it’s a talent” and watched the end of “Cool As Ice” and laughed my brains out even though I had missed all but 10 minutes at the end, but I assure you, THAT WAS PLENTY.  Then everyone left and Outpost31 fell right the hell down in exhaustion and I cuddled him and fell asleep early after we cleaned up. The end.

Now I’ve to do some dishes and vacuum and do the rest of the cleanup from the party so I will depart. I also need to find the Glee episode on Hulu because no one wanted to watch it after the superest of goddamn bowls of footballs. And that’s it. The end.

I watched a whole football game. Is it opening day yet???


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