The comments and feedback y’all have been giving me has been invaluable, guys. But one question has not been answered yet and I of course need to reassure you that the cats are still here, they’re fine, oh they’re GRAND, living in up in the apartment while I was in the bin, tormenting my parents who were coming over thrice a day to feed them *fistbumps mom and dad* so have no fear about the kitties. I would get reports when they would visit me, and they’d go something like this:
Dad: That gray one.
Dad: Yeah, that one’s a problem.
Me: You have no idea.
Dad: Something wrong with that one.
Me: You REALLY have no idea.
Dad: He doesn’t want to eat. He wants to sit in the sink and play with the water.
Me: He’s a special child.
Dad: And could he maybe leave me alone, for a moment or so?
Me: No. No he cannot.
Dad: Always there! He’s always there! Right there! Tripping me! Nudging me with his head!
Me: You cannot imagine what it’s like to try to work with him sticking his ass in your face all day and into the night.
Dad: Something wrong with that one.
Me: To say the least.
So you get the idea. It was always good to get updates on the cats, because it would make me calm down and stop crying for a while whenever my parents would visit. I just couldn’t control the tears as soon as they were buzzed in, my homesickness would hit me like lightning and I’d start sobbing, and my sweet friends on the ward would silently slip me a little box of tissues and rub my back as I walked to the rec room with my parents. I can’t imagine what it was like for them to not only have me in the bin, but in hysterics every time they came in. Hey, there’s the guilt and shame! Still working on that one.
My parents were amazing, and I can’t thank them enough for visiting every day, and supporting me through the discharge process (the bin really didn’t want to let me go, and my parents advocated for me to come home) and taking care of the cats, and cleaning up the tattered remains of my apartment. They’re pretty amazing people, my parents, and I’ll be forever in their debt for so many reasons, but this one really ranks high.
As for everyone else, I made the decision when I was still in the emergency room that I only wanted Outpost31, Snarky Amber, and Laroux74 to be contacted. Laroux would alert ElleVee and Snarky Amber would alert MamaPop, and of course Outpost31 needed to know that I had dropped off the face of the earth, and everyone else in the internet and the outside world? I wanted to be the one to tell all of you. As you have read, it’s been a complicated story, something that I’m really working through as I write (I don’t draft posts, I just freewrite the blog and stuff…comes out) and it’s part of my therapy to talk through the process of re-acclimating myself to the real world and people.
And that’s still something I’m working on. I start outpatient therapy tomorrow and I’m very eager to do it, because I need that group environment and an opportunity to vocalize and socialize instead of sitting in my apartment all day. That’s one task I’ve actually succeeded in since I’ve been back – I go out and interact with at least one person each and every day. That might not seem like much, but for me it is. It’s good for me. I get in trouble when I’m all alone with my brain.
So those left behind have all been so supportive (the cats forgave me for leaving them) and I am amazed at the kindness of you in the internet for YOUR support, and I’m slowly but surely getting back to the world.
I’m getting there. And I’m not alone.