I’ve never known where to put my anger. Outpost31 keeps saying I need a kickboxing class, others have said that writing is the best outlet because it’s the most organic for my personality, others just tell me to get the hell over myself. More than one encourage me to find someone, anyone, who will get me some weed for chrissakes, I just need to get stoned once and a while and maybe I’ll chill the fuck out. I get lots of suggestions. I hear all of them, consider most of them, and go with my gut. I keep writing.
Last night was a really, really bad night. I was at the bottom, emotionally. I had been crying on and off since 9:30 in the morning, and around midnight I gave up on a conversation that was chock full of “tough love” because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I am so tired of fighting, you guys. You have no idea how fucking tired I am of fighting. Almost as tired as I am of being made to feel like my emotions and opinions are A: wrong B: inconsequential and C: foolish. Want to knock me down? Fine. I’ll stay down. I’m too tired of fighting.
People say that I have to change my attitude about my “therapy” and just go with what I’m being told to do. Stay down. Don’t fight. You know nothing. Stay down. Tap out. Go to the group therapy and go to meetings and just SHUT THE FUCK UP and stay DOWN, for the love of god. Just stay down.
Tough love, man. I intellectually see where they’re coming from. I am, to the shock I am sure of most if not everyone involved with my “recovery” a very intelligent person. I know, it’s really difficult to believe, but I am. I can intellectually see where all this bullshit “tough love” when it comes to “surrendering” or as I see it, “stay down and tap out”, comes from. I’m wondering if any of the people giving me “tough love” and demanding that I “change my attitude” and “SHUT UP AND OBEY” have any interest in how I feel in all of this. No one’s asked me, so I can only glean that they do not.
I’m making the conscious decision to tap out. They want a brainless zombie who shuffles from one group therapy situation to another and never says a word of dissent? They’ve got it. I’ll be the puppet, the cog in the machine, the ventriloquist’s dummy spouting all their dogma and I’ll smile while I do it. I’m tired of fighting. I’m so damn tired.
And to all my friends who are concerned about how I’m doing emotionally? That recognize that I’m miserable and tell me they are proud of me for staying the course when I’m so sad I can barely put it into words? The friends who lift me up when I get knocked down? The ones who actually care that I’ve been crying for days? You know who you are. And you’ll be told that you’re enablers and that you’re coddling me, so be warned. Your kindness will not go unpunished.
I’m through arguing about this. My “pity party” is over. Asking for help does “not mean a spa vacation” (these are real tough love quotes) and I need to take it and stay down. JUST STAY DOWN, DAMMIT. Man up and stay down. Fine. You win. I’m through trying to have any kind of intelligent conversation about any of this. My opinions are inconsequential, my emotions even less than that. I know this now. So pull my strings and I’ll genuflect and grovel. I’ll obey the groupthink. Because I am so damn tired of the fight.
But you can’t keep me from writing about how I really feel. You can silence my cries with your dogma, but you can’t take away my free speech.