Tapping Out

I’ve never known where to put my anger. Outpost31 keeps saying I need a kickboxing class, others have said that writing is the best outlet because it’s the most organic  for my personality, others just tell me to get the hell over myself. More than one encourage me to find someone, anyone, who will get me some weed for chrissakes, I just need to get stoned once and a while and maybe I’ll chill the fuck out. I get lots of suggestions. I hear all of them, consider most of them, and go with my gut. I keep writing.

Last night was a really, really bad night. I was at the bottom, emotionally. I had been crying on and off since 9:30 in the morning, and around midnight I gave up on a conversation that was chock full of “tough love” because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I am so tired of fighting, you guys. You have no idea how fucking tired I am of fighting. Almost as tired as I am of being made to feel like my emotions and opinions are A: wrong B: inconsequential and C: foolish. Want to knock me down? Fine. I’ll stay down. I’m too tired of fighting.

People say that I have to change my attitude about my “therapy” and just go with what I’m being told to do. Stay down. Don’t fight. You know nothing. Stay down. Tap out. Go to the group therapy and go to meetings and just SHUT THE FUCK UP and stay DOWN, for the love of god. Just stay down.

Tough love, man. I intellectually see where they’re coming from. I am, to the shock I am sure of most if not everyone involved with my “recovery” a very intelligent person. I know, it’s really difficult to believe, but I am. I can intellectually see where all this bullshit “tough love” when it comes to “surrendering” or as I see it, “stay down and tap out”, comes from. I’m wondering if any of the people giving me “tough love” and demanding that I “change my attitude” and “SHUT UP AND OBEY” have any interest in how I feel in all of this. No one’s asked me, so I can only glean that they do not.

I’m making the conscious decision to tap out. They want a brainless zombie who shuffles from one group therapy situation to another and never says a word of dissent? They’ve got it. I’ll be the puppet, the cog in the machine, the ventriloquist’s dummy spouting all their dogma and I’ll smile while I do it. I’m tired of fighting. I’m so damn tired.

And to all my friends who are concerned about how I’m doing emotionally? That recognize that I’m miserable and tell me they are proud of me for staying the course when I’m so sad I can barely put it into words? The friends who lift me up when I get knocked down? The ones who actually care that I’ve been crying for days? You know who you are. And you’ll be told that you’re enablers and that you’re coddling me, so be warned. Your kindness will not go unpunished.

I’m through arguing about this. My “pity party” is over. Asking for help does “not mean a spa vacation”  (these are real tough love quotes) and I need to take it and stay down. JUST STAY DOWN, DAMMIT. Man up and stay down. Fine. You win. I’m through trying to have any kind of intelligent conversation about any of this. My opinions are inconsequential, my emotions even less than that. I know this now. So pull my strings and I’ll genuflect and grovel. I’ll obey the groupthink. Because I am so damn tired of the fight.

But you can’t keep me from writing about how I really feel. You can silence my cries with your dogma, but you can’t take away my free speech.


Tapping Out — 13 Comments

  1. you are NOT a zombie, and from what i’ve read on your blog for the past year, i honestly don’t see that happening. you’re a smart, sassy woman.

    you’ll get your energy to fight again. maybe not today, but soon. you can totally do this. you’re a fighter. and those whom you’ve never met are in your corner.

    losing a round doesn’t equal losing the fight.

    go get ’em.

    (when you’re ready, i’ll have “gonna fly now” OR “eye of the tiger” prepared. i’ll stop the Rocky references now)

  2. You’re a smart girl. It’s their game and their rules? Fine, play their game. Use their own rules against them. “Play” them. Channel some of that energy into figuring out how to game “them”.

  3. What Barb said.

    Where is your therapist in all this? I know all the other people are worms, but I had the impression in the past that she did know and respect you.

    Too bad squirrels are seed eaters. Otherwise you could set us loose on all the bad invertebrates who are surrounding you.

  4. My mom tried to go to AA but it really didn’t work for her, because the alcoholism was just a by-product of the bipolar disorder she was suffering. She eventually started treating THAT and started going to a bipolar support group and got a lot better support for her needs.

    Al Anon helped me, but I understand where you’re coming from; I don’t like the dogma of it, but between reading that and Toxic Parents, I’ve come to understand that I determine myself, and by “faking it til I make it”, I’m actually feeling positive and coping better. I don’t think this works for everyone; it only did for me because it stopped a constant negative spew coming from my own mind, and obsessing on what my mom was doing.

    But like I said, it doesn’t work for everyone. And addressing the actual disorder is probably more helpful than addressing a symptom.

  5. Oh miss b. this makes me sad too. Call me an enabler if you must, but I care. I’m empathetic and that makes me want to ‘help’ which is by definition an enabler, right? I care for you and your emotions. How you feel does matter. How about if I make you laugh? I consider myself ‘educated’ and I am no spring chicken, but I just learned from your blog that the expression is ‘once and a while’ is not ‘once in a while’. My entire life I’ve been saying that wrong! I hope it made you smile. I’m laughing and embarrassed! =O

  6. Sweetheart, your feelings in this situation should mean everything. If the dogma being thrown at you / forced down your throat makes you uncomfortable or doesn’t work for you – its pointless to simply “go through the motions”. In fact, it might even be more damaging to do so. You need a treatment that doesn’t shove you down but instead lifts you up as the wonderful, talented, writing/clever genius that we all know you to be. I don’t want you turned into a mindless zombie. I want you celebrated and loved to the point of wellness (or at least on the way to wellness). Where is that dogma and / or therapy?

    I wish you the best. Know that there are those of us who are rooting for you in your corner.

  7. I am sorry for you, and I do empathize. But what you have to try to remember is that you have a cognitive disorder that can distort your perceptions. Does that means that everyone else is right and your wrong? No. But the fact that you are focusing so much on this division should tell you something. I understand you have difficulty in group therapy, that the dogmatic elements of AA are pointless to you.

    But what it all comes down to is giving up. Right?

    I don’t blame you. That’s the hardest pill of all to swallow. It made me feel like everything I’d done, every belief I’d ever had was meaningless and wrong. I should have been living my life they way they did. Screw it, they want to mandate it so you have to go to AA? Fine, go through the motions until they bugger off and leave you alone.

    What I found after awhile was that the behaviors that were wrecking my life werent changing. Maybe the symptoms had gone, but the foundations were still slipping out from under me.

    There is a big difference between having issues that cause bad choices and put you where you are now and having to feel that everything you’ve ever done was wrong. I don’t know you at all and I can see your feelings now are making you beat yourself up with a sledgehammer. It’s a cycle I don’t have to tell you about. You have to stop it. Everyone around you would give up anything to do it for you, but they can’t. I really do know how hard this is.

    Please remember you are who you are and that people out there love you and care for you (sorry, I don’t love on the internets, but I care). You are strong enough to engage in this process. If it doesn’t work the way it’s intended, you’re strong enough to try something else.

    You’ll always be you, you couldn’t be some mindless drone if you tried. But if you keep punishing yourself (and you are, I’ve been there), that way is nowhere.

    PS, how many guys does it take to wallpaper a room?

    One, you just have to slice him thin enough.

  8. I’m sorry, Miss B.

    I don’t really have the faintest clue what to say that would be helpful, so I’ll just say I’m sorry.

  9. Like Barb said, Losing one round is NOT losing the fight. You will get through this. You need restorative sleep & some good friends around you till you get back on your feet. Remember that tired old Chumbawumba song, “I get knocked down, but I get up again…”

    Read my response to yesterday’s post, as it fits here to.

    Do not get discouraged! This too shall pass.

  10. D – set a time period, say two weeks or three months, and roll with the advice/treatment/groups/etc. THEN, set a time to step out, sit down and write what you’ve done, what’s better, what’s not. Follow what & who works for you. Part of bipolar is being incredibly destabilized and you need to give some things a chance to work without giving yourself over to that program forever. Your feelings are important, but it’s clear you’re not going to be able to become your best self on your own. You can do this.

  11. When I was going to na, they let me be angry. Your feelings and the healthy expression of them are paramount. I wish you had a safe place wher you felt valued. Besides here, I mean. Love

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