Just Like The Kitten On The Branch

I’m hanging in there. Terrible, I know. Stupid kitten poster. But it was the first thing I thought of, and I do feel like that, like I’m hanging on by my fingernails, but I’m still here, still up and out of bed and living without the piece that is forever gone. And I’m going to be okay. Changed, but okay. And that’s just the way things are. Accept it, hold tight, and move on.

I closed comments on the last post because I didn’t want to see anyone bashing Outpost31, or giving me pep talks, or telling me to shut up and get over myself or any negative reinforcement, just this once, I simply needed to write something out and let it stand how it was, sitting there on the page, really real and not picked apart or commented on. It’s not that I don’t care about you guys, and the emails I’ve been getting have been really sweet and I thank you so much for them, but that post will just be the way it is. It’s the right thing to do.

ANYWAY. Time to get that post off the front page. New week, new start, new post, new everything. Except the things that stay exactly the same no matter what, and of course I am talking about the felines, why WOULDN’T I be? The cats have been very sweet and cuddly lately, but there is something that I need to address, not with the two boys, who we all know are Bad, and are so very Bad all the time that telling stories about how Bad they are is getting a little redundant. No, I’m here to talk about Lulu, and a lovely thing she’s been doing, well, forever, but something that she is getting more bold with, and as she gets more confident in her little trick, the less sleep I get, and everyone who is anyone knows that if I am sleep deprived, no good will come of it. Lulu knows this, I assure you. She just doesn’t care. Hateful beast.

Picture it. I’m sleeping. Slumbering away. It’s approximately 6:45 in the morning. The sun is barely peeking out, and the entire east coast is still sleeping. Enter all 17 pounds of Lulu, sitting on my chest. Staring at me. My eyes are closed but I can feel her deadlights BURNING INTO MY FACE, and of course I’m awake now, seventeen pounds of feline sitting on one’s ribcage will do that to a person. I scrunch my eyes closed, turn onto my side, and Lu topples off of me to the floor.

“Ha ha” I think.

Back up on the bed she lumbers, and now she’s sitting behind me, lurking like a vulture over my face. I can feel it. I can sense it. Her breath is hot on my face. I scrunch my eyes and pull the covers over my head. This is the last straw. Why I don’t just give up and get up has become a matter of PRINCIPLE, I’m now wide awake but goddamnit, I am SLEEPING HERE and there will be no orders being given to ME, THE HUMAN from the goddamn CAT leave me BE for the love of pants, I am SLUMBERING. This is the final straw.

She claws the covers off my head. *Pat pat pat* goes her paw on my face. *Pat pat pat*.


*Pat pat pat*

She puts her paws on my shoulder and pulls me, PULLS ME onto my back, and stands ON MY TRACHEA and begins licking my eyelids.

*Lick lick lick*

Ow. Ow ow ow.

*Lick lick lick*

The skin on one’s eyelids is very sensitive, did you know that?

*Ow. Ow ow ow*

I finally pry my eyes open and there she is in all her glory, staring daggers at me, a stupid thought bubble over her head.

“Up, biped food slave. UP NOW”

I groan audibly, and get up, the following monologue spewing vitriol all over the bedroom.

“Goddamn cat, it’s the middle of the goddamn night I cannot believe that I can’t sleep until, oh, I don’t know, THE SUN COMES UP, but OH NO, I have to get up and feed the hateful food holes because there is a hierarchy in this house and I am ON THE BOTTOM and Finn get away from my feet and I’m trying to get my glasses and I do not need your “help”, Toby, and oh my goddy it’s like a SWARM OF LOCUSTS around here and I’m UP, goddamnit, this is so ridiculous and you’d think I’d get used to this because it happens EVERY MORNING, but NO, it never gets old, does it, cats. OH NO, it’s new and fun and exciting every damn morning and FINE, I’m up, you win, I lose, the universe can continue to exist in perfect harmony because YOU get fed before seven goddamn AM. Happy? ANSWER ME!!!!

Then they eat their breakfast while I make coffee and they then go back to sleep for four more hours.


So there you have it. Every morning. Without fail. And my world might be upside down and I might be sad all the time, but there are some things that never change. And Lulu licking my eyelids off every day is a constant, and that’s what I need right now. Consistency and routine.

And those wretched little creatures make sure I have it. And in that way, they’re taking care of me. And that’s good.


Just Like The Kitten On The Branch — 9 Comments

  1. Just remember, cats have been known to eat their biped-food slaves if not fed on time. Lulu thinks she’s a lion and that you need salt.

    PS You don’t want to here any sympathy at this point but I want you to know how much enjoyment your most of your posts bring me. You write beautifully and can make me laugh on days when I really need the joy.

  2. Your morning sounds like my mornings. Except replace “17lb cat” with a 50lb dog who not only wants to be fed, but wants me to get dressed and take her out to PLAY.

  3. I once kitty sat a cat like that. (back when I wasn’t allergic) Fatness and all, appropriately named Bear. He wouldn’t take no for an answer either.
    Now it’s four dogs whining and pouncing and barking and licking and pawing, don’t you just hate mornings?
    Have you ever seen the cartoon Simon’s cat on you tube? Your mornings with lulu made me think of them.

  4. Oh yes, I hear ya on the ‘routine’. My little chunky darling like to come in at 5:15 am and start serenading us with the most plaintive “I’m STARVING” meows known possible. Except for the fact that she isn’t, in fact, starving and that my alarm goes off at 5:30 so the damn whiny bitch cat gets me up BEFORE my alarm and that is NOT FAIR.

    And yeah, she then goes right back to sleep. Bitch.

  5. I’m glad you have the kitties esp. Lulu to keep you to a routine. I know when I went through my life-shattering divorce only my kids and their needs/routines kept me from falling into a million tiny irretrievable pieces.

    My kitten has decided he is a stairs shark, and if he presses himself against the rise of the stair he is “invisible” and we don’t see him getting ready to pounce on our ankles.

  6. I should have named my cat The Unholy Shredder of Skin. She’s very good at that. I look like a movie extra most of the time, you know, the one who gets sliced and diced.

  7. kitty love, no matter how annoying it can be, is some of the best love on this planet. when i broke things off with the douchebag who shall not be named khan would come and put his paw on my face or lightly bite me on my chin during my crying jags. inevitably it made me laugh and feel better. 🙂

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